ugh. have been under the weather for days now its not fun anymore. speaking of under the weather, i rarely get sick because everytime someone coughs or sneezes in public i would hold my breath till i couldn't take it anymore. no, really. not saying it works but i feel alot safer and honestly i RARELY fell sick.

i mean compared to the percentage of like, dilys jiang falling sick HAHAHAHAHAH fucking joke. last time in JC, every 2 or 3 days dilys would send g,v, and i a text saying stuff like,

"hey girls, i'm having really bad cramps, can't make it to school today"
"hey girls, i'm having fever, dad says i should stay home and rest!"

then soon after it just became,

"hey girls, i'm not going to school today"

HAHAHAHA. man. its kinda nice to have memories like that from parts of your life ah. they'll really carry you forward when all hope is lost. just that very few people actually sit down and reminisce like that. life's all about moving forward now i guess.


on a totally unrelated matter, i really think there's a limit as to how much a friend can interfere in your decisions. ever heard of respecting someone's decision? i trust you have. even if you are really unhappy with your friends decision (which in anyone's opinion is not even a fucking big deal), pushing her to a corner and leaving her with nothing is totally uncalled for. when 123 was afraid to tell you about the matter i even encouraged her saying, she's your best friend i believe she will support your choice and she will never make things difficult for you even if she didn't like it. guess i was wrong and true enough, 123 knows you better. i won't say much. except for, find a solid and sole reason to support your view and think again before you throw away friendship thats close to heart.

last night was fucking awesome. despite wanting to vomit most of the time. hahahha
went to sing k with jiawen nelson joshua and meiling. omgggggg it was totally like jay chou night hahaha BUT IT KINDA SUCKED COS I HAD SORE THROAT AND COULDNT SING ANY SONGS WITH HIGH NOTES ): and my kbox buddies are going away soon awwww. army and overseas intern. ):

HEHEHE BUT IT WAS STILL AWESOME. we took polaroids after. THNK YOU AGAIN JIAWENNNNNNNNN. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D fuck i think this alone is enough to make me happy for weeks HAHAHAHAH.

(: yup hung till quite late.
hehehe oh my computer died on me for the millionth time this year. zzz

so if i don't fail any subject this semester i'm considered graduated. well... not so much on cloud 9 now since i had to come down with a flu and sore throat and fever right after exams ): im supposed to go sing k with the rest tonight. how to sing like that. i tried singing the easiest song already i sound like a tranny. omg tiff, my retribution for laughing at you.

gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh moodyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

okay lets see. my last paper is at 10.15am, i am supposed to meet geok and pw at 9am at dover meaning i must leave my house by 8am and wake up by 6.30am because i take damn long to prepare. oh, and im not sleeping cos i am not done studying. though i finished studying econs last week i totally forgot everything alrdy. power.

SO. im thinking if i should order macs now or just sleep and stand a chance of getting up super late and being late for paper.

hmmmmmmmm

don't understand why people in local unis like to call their subjects by their course ID. like ER1h2 or BC12n like WHAT THE FUCK HAHAHA

aiyo got so many things to say. nvm too lazy hahaha.
FRIDAY FREEDOM FUCKERZZZ.

ffffffffuck.
i'm just gonna be upset my whole damn life over things i can't control.

i'm abit turned off by photography now since EVERYONE is into it.
hate liking sth that everyone likes.

i think i will be fucking happy with alot of money.

i'm going crazy. i dont feel like talking to anyone right now. feel like i don't belong anywhere. i don't have an identity. people dont like me for who i am.

I LOVE FUNNY PEOPLE HAHAHA.
见一个 爱一个 HAHAHAHAH

feel damn good after eating the whole plate by myself for supper HAHAHAAHAHAHAHA NOT EASY OK. $8 CLAMS GO TRY TO FINISH HAHA. craving finally satisfied!!! and geok satisfied her ter gua mee sua craving too! good day good day!

oh after that we were sitting down talking then we saw a kitten chasing a really big rat HAHAHA i was secretly rooting for the rat! yes! it went into the drain. whoots.

i'm only gonna come out stronger. so strong i start to push everyone away.

missing you cuts like a knife.

my mood is so shit i dont even know how to express how i feel in words.

那些断翅的蜻蜓 散落在这森林
而我的眼睛 没有丝毫同情
失去你 泪水混浊不清
失去你 我连笑容都有阴影
风在长满青苔的屋顶
嘲笑我的伤心
像一口没有水的枯井
我用凄美的字型
描绘后悔莫及的那爱情

is there a difference between being a very very nice person and being a loser (in a sense that you wouldn't stand up for yourself even if you are being unfairly treated)?


it really is a game afterall, isn't it?
a game which i only have a losing strategy for.

i hate it when they say "5-10 minutes walk from the MRT" tmd means if i run i will reach in 2mins?

looking for jobs already. dont wanna waste my holidays away especially since i wanna go overseas eoy. wah super drained today. nearer to exams i used to study whole day at home but my whole day consists of dreaming, tv, computer and stuff. these 2 days have literally been TWO FULL days of studying. sibei drained. sleep. sleep. sleep.

super grumpy now.

i think its damn funny that couples label their photo albums on facebook "Just Us". HAHAH like wtf, duh!? who else?! hahaha it only started to really get to me after alot of my friends did that hahaha. retarded.

anyway. i think the phrase "the elevator to success broke down so i guess i'll have to take the stairs" is really cool. haha.


AMAZING DISCOVERY:


MY BUTTER IS A VIRGIN.

being the smart aleck that i am, i thought that if i put like toppings on my bread and shove it in the toaster it will melt nicely. turned out like shit.

nutella.


peanut butter. looks like portugese egg tart right! wah super hungry!


fail.

DID I MENTION I GRADUATE IN LIKE 2 WEEKS HAHA. once exams are over, thats it! :D wah fucking happy. though, of course, gonna take degree next. thinking if i should screw up my life and do something im really interested in like psychology or go with the money making courses like business. tough tough choice. my CA results are like shit btw HAHAAHA. THANK GOD ITS THE LAST SEMESTER, I THINK IM LOSING MY PATIENCE TO STUDY.

past few days have been awesome! awesome! get it? get it? HAHAHAHAHAHA. oakyokay meeting pea and jwen at 8am tmr HAHAHHAA 8AM.

pea: "THATS LIKE 10AM IN BOTH OF YOUR WORLDS"

haha she knows us damn well. I WILL WAKE UP OK. then gonna study after that. studying has been fun too. w geok and pwen. WHOOHOO OKAYS! GONNA CATCH UNRIDDLE ON XINMSN. thank god for xinmsn haahhahah.

okay i think its weird that im blogging like that again. after 83984294389482 sad posts HAHAAHAHAHAH

OMG its damn scary when you look at a past year exam question AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT CHAPTER ITS FROM HAHAHA and exams are in 8days.
OKAY CHERRYL, YOU GOT THIS.

"To my loving husband,
May you never steal, lie or cheat.
But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows.
And if you must lie, lie with me in all the nights of my life.
If you must cheat, then please cheat death
because I couldn't live a day without you."

(:
i'm so happy.


do you honestly believe that everything happens for a reason? i dont. i think sometimes things just fall into place after lingering around for a long time. like for example when you get dumped and ten years later you find a new love. you would look back and think oh, thank god he dumped me because this is how my life is supposed to be, with my new love.

that's bullshit ok. when things happen, time naturally goes on and you will meet someone new. its not a valid reason you can use to heal your pain. because when you meet someone new its like just looking back to the past and finding closure. the hope of finding someone new wasn't the reason you healed your heart and moved past it. its just nature.

i have so much hatred in my heart its choking me. i don't even feel like talking about it anymore.

i'm not upset i'm not upset i'm not upset i'm not upset i'm not upset i'm not upset i'm not upset numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb numb

pensive.

its mind boggling who God chooses to be bed ridden, or have some terminal illness. More than often, we see really good hearted people in pain and really wicked people living on forever.

sometimes i think its because if you're a really wicked person and you live on for a long time, your conscience will get to you sooner or later and you'll be tormented in the last years of your life where you are supposed to be living peacefully. your secrets will follow you to your grave but the catch is, it will be the one that murders you. is that really the case? do wicked people really have a conscience to begin with?

i dont really have an explanation for good people. maybe its because the longer you live, the higher the tendency for you to go astray. so they all die early and are remembered that way?

how does God set an expiry date for us? im puzzled. i mean if he has our lives planned out for us and he knows whats going to come. does that mean he knows that we're going to sin beforehand? what if he planned for us to be a teacher but we chose to become a pilot. are we thwarting his plans or does he already KNOW we're going to. he's really God, hands down.


the past few days have been.. tedious. super tiring trying to convince myself im stronger than that. they say the mind is a powerful thing. one day i'll become what i want myself to be.


on a totally irrelevant note, i find the following picture oddly calming.

you know, people like the photos they take because they look good or because they capture the moment exactly the way it was.

i like them cos they portray feelings that could have been fake. could have. 99% of the photos you take are happy pictures with everyone smiling in them. kinda deceiving don't you think? don't you ever wonder why we don't take photos of the times we are sad, angry, feeling anything else other than happy? maybe we were, but we forced a smile at the camera. makes me wonder why. are we so desperate to only keep memories of the good times? or are we just desperate to forget the bad times.


feeling more doubtful about myself than ever. sometimes when people ask whats wrong its not that i don't wanna share, its because i don't think they wanna listen to my philosophy on life. like, where do i begin right? so many questions but no answers. sometimes i cook up a story to fill in the blanks. okay its not really a story, its facts. but im not as affected by it as i say i am. so people tend to think i blow up the severity of what im 'worried' about. which is not the case, really.

i don't think im a very sad or angry person. just a person filled with many doubts that i can't find answers to. i always close up and give the 'i dont care' face which is what people mistake as the emo face.

actually i dont know why im blogging all this out. i just think its interesting to have logs of what im learning about myself each day.

i personally think meeting long lost friends is stupid. i mean, all you can talk about is the past. reminisce. ya its nice to reminisce but gets kinda boring after awhile no? i mean unless its those long lost friends that you can talk cock with la. like you can laugh like shit even if you havent met them for ages. otherwise its just awkward right -_- ya you can catch up but how many years can you update them with haha. i dont know leh. i think i changed. i used to be damn sentimental and all. like meeting with old friends will be one of my priorities cos i treasure and blhablahblahbalh. but now i think i just look forward to the future. saves both parties the awkwardness and time.

maybe this is called growing up. you just take those who bother to move along with you.

hello! i went for zhang xin zhe's concert today! fucking awesomezzz! he's so cute and his voice is so nice hahahaha. disappointed at the seating and stuff though. had quite bad seats for cat 2 tickets.

other than that....... oh im in love with motorbikes :D they are fucking cool to ride!! except that they mess up your hair and stuff. i need something more more more more to make me feel alive. something that thrills me.

sometimes i think im really really troubled. then when someone asks me whats bothering me i actualy cant think of anything to reply them HAHAHAAHHHAHAH im so confused as to whether there is sth bothering me or im just moody 24/7 hahahaha. i think most of the times im just moody hahaahahaha okay im gonna be happier w the help of funny friends.

GAH why do i like to take action on things that i know will get me no where then end up being upset over the result of it hahahahaha. crazy shit. i love to possess things that people forbid me to hahahahah. maybe im desperate in that sense. desperate for something special in my life. something like that, can't really put a finger to it hahahaha all i know is if you give it to me easily i will never ever treasure it.

hmmmmmmm

oh yes tongue piercing v soon! loves.

you know sometimes 99% of the world behaves in a certain manner so when you tell them that you dont they just dont believe you. they are just non believers who refuse to accept that the 1% exists. they dont believe you because you are normal. too normal to be different. just remember that inside you are a miracle. DONT CONFORM.

jon and i were talking and i think what he said makes alot of sense. like nowadays friendships are like nothing in the past. friendships come with conditions now. fulfill the terms and conditions if you wanna continue being friends. the gossips, backstabbing, competition to be the best, etc. bring me back to the past please. haha jon damn cute he said that compared to all these complicated people we are "just peaceful deers prancing arnd that green lushy field grazing on grass and chasing ladybirds." HAHAHA.

i think technology ruined my life. i cant live a day without turning on my computer. really i cant. and it ruined my social life too. i wanna be born in the generation that didnt have such electronic devices. i wanna meet my friends in school. i wanna make phone calls using the house phone. in a way we HAVE to meet our friends if we want the friendship to continue. now its just, um, i dont know. i feel like its just very meaningless and effortless. communicating w friends i mean. hm i dont know. HAHAHAHA

okays. before my comp shut down on its own again, byebye.

and btw, love is just a second hand emotion.

i dont need people to survive.
i am a girl whose gonna be one of those independent workaholic women in the future.

i think "how was your day?" is the stupidest question ever. hello, we live in singapore with the most mundane lives ever. what did you expect me to say?

"oh fantastic, i met a dragon, slayed it and took its babies home to eat"

maybe i just feel extremely annoyed at that question because FOR SOME REASON, A LOT of people love to ask me that question. its like, if you have nothing else to say to me then don't talk to me? hahaha.

speaking of weird stuff. i got on bus 8 today, headed home. and the back door couldn't close so we had to change to another bus 8. which broke down too, 3 stops later.

HI SBS, TIME TO UPGRADE YOUR BUSES.

omgomgomg i'm so stressed up right now. i need it by the end of the week. how am i supposed to save my pride!?! need. to. find. a. solution.

why, hello!!

i've been so busy lately i hardly have time to breatheee! finally done with website and every other report for ISB. whoohoo! now left with law and macroecons haha. i haven't been having a life at all. even when my family went away for days i didn't even party. totally no time omg.

and omg school is ending soon. end of august and thats it. time to find a job!

eh.......ok no mood to blog anymore. hahahaha super lazy.

everyday i sit down with a whole load of crap to blog about but no, i choose to keep it all to myself.

anyway my family's backkkkkk! :D:D

AHHHHHHH I'M GOING CRAZY DOING THE STUPID WEBSITE. WHY THEY WANNA TORTURE US IN THE LAST SEMESTER?!?!? AND I HAVEN'T EVEN START ON ECONS AND LAW. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD.

everytime i see my mice yawn i feel like im the happiest girl on earth hehehehe.

i can't sleep because the house is fucking quiet.
can't sleep w/o my family ):

its amazing how one small thing can spoil your whole day. furthermore its not even like the person knows that they spoilt your mood. oh wait, does the person even know you exist. fuck. im trying so hard to leave everything behind me but its not working. how did i manage to always leave the past behind? takes more than will power in my opinion. maybe if the person dies and burns in hell then i will forget them. PLEASE DIE OR MAKE YOUR ALRDY BURNT FRIEND DIE.

yes yes i know i promised alot of people to live happier. now that i am home alone i really want to hang myself or something. now i know why people like to commit suicide. whoever said commiting suicide doesnt end misery? stupid or what. dying ends EVERYTHING.

well anyway. big shout out to tiff joyce and hejun. had lots of fun with you guys yesterday. thanks for making me forget for a night. l4d was good. for every zombie that i killed i was picturing it to be people that i hate.

i just really need to vent it out now cos i think my friends are sick of hearing me complain about the same thing over and over and OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. ..................................................................................................................................
.........................................................................................................................................................
..............................................................................................................................................

im so speechless.

now i realise im not lacking anything. im not unhappy with anything thats missing in my life, well except for happiness. im just unhappy. unhappy to the CORE. DEEP INSIDE SUCH THAT IT CAN'T BE CURED OKAY. SO DONT TELL ME TO LIVE HAPPIER ITS USELESS. why am i even bothering to show people that i am happy. just let me wallow in my unhappiness and may my soul be dispersed in bits and pieces to all parts of the world.

HELLO

you know, when i ask myself why im so mean to some people. i actually don't have an answer.
i guess its just like that. once you dont like a certain point of someone, even though it may not be a crucial point, you just start treating them like shit. i mean, im no angel you know.

anyway i hate going to school now. its such an eye sore to see things that i really dont want to see. pure hatred. thats what im feeling now. how can people be so nice one minute and like a few days later they totally just start regarding you as a stranger. really a stranger. we've come to the point that we don't even greet each other, we just walk away. walking away. thats what i've been doing from all my problems so far. but they always come chasing.

on a lighter note, freeeeeeeeeeedom! :D

you probably meant it as a joke. probably. but do you know how many times you've stabbed me in the heart? over and over and over and over. must you be so brutal? yea, you can't find a way into a person's life when they just don't leave a door open for you. not even a hole. you are one reason, among many, why i feel like i'm worthless.

the voice screaming inside me is worthless. the tears in the form of blood bleeding slowly from my heart are worthless. drop by drop, dripping me dry of any signs of life. my dead eyes are worthless. even the words i say to redeem myself are worthless. this worthless soul of mine is dead because of you.

Don't regret a single moment of your life because at that one point of time, it was exactly what you wanted.

I'm giving it one last try :)

sometimes i really sit and wonder what im doing with my life. but to no avail. i'll never find the answer.

anyway i really wanna visit the various famous landscapes and mountains around the world. yup. truly my dream. but the biggest is definitely experiencing autumn in switz.

I look down on all girls who cannot live a day without their boyfriends. That includes my friends.

If i give you my heart, would you just play the part?
Or tell me its the start of something beautiful..

I hope I don't ever wake after tonight.
Even if I do, I hope I'll sleep forever soon. Very soon.

"When a blacksmith wants to make his favourite tool he would have to throw the metal into the furnace. Just like that, I would make her mine even if i have to throw her into a furnace"

"Her heart that loves someone else won't melt even if you throw it into the fire"

what a bad time to get hooked onto a korean drama.

HAHAHAHA ever wondered whats going on in the minds of lovers?
example A falls sick then B would be like, "oh please look after yourself properly and get well soon!!.................." then actually the continuation in B's mind is like "otherwise i would have to waste money to buy food then take a cab down to your stupid house to make you feel better........."

HA.

Notice how there is always an upside and downside to every single thing we do.

i have so many regrets i dont even know which one i regret the most.

WALAU PLEASE LOR. since day one you always had a way to twist and turn the story to make it seem like you are damn logical and you are right. but im not stupid to that extent. you can twist and turn the words all you want but i know what the hell you are implying ok. im not angry really. just really shocked at how immature and judgmental you are. like since the issue with your friend i alrdy thought you were damn judgmental and i dont even know why i bother trying to keep you as a friend. dont worry, what i owe you i will repay. then we wont have anything to do with each other anymore.

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo i dont wanna start on projjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjssssssss

nfciowncioewnef09h43g0hbvigvoenvevoin9h3084r3mr3t0fh3gh3hg93hg93hgpq3hgff0we

fuck

goodbye.

what do you do when you wanna talk to a person but you cant!?!?!?!?!?
i know this will pass. i know this will pass. i know this will pass. i know this will pass. like all other good things in my life.


anyway Donnie Yen so cute ah. HAHAHAH oozing with charisma.

hmm don't know how to describe what i'm feeling now. i'm rarely at a loss for words. well, on the comp at least. lotsa thoughts going on in my mind.

when i was younger my dad used to tell me to treasure the time i had with the family because when we grow older we would all be caught up with our own lives and stuff. honestly i used to think it was bullshit. i used to think that if were living under the same roof how can it be that we would drift right?

but now i know that its true. i fucking miss my family. i fucking miss the times we would jog together, when my dad would bring us cycling, when we would go for high tea at hotels, when we would take a long ride to jurong to fetch my mom then eat together, when my sis and i would fight over the stupid crossword book, when we would catch spiders in our house and set them free in jurong, when my dad would fetch us from school and take us to lunch, when my sis and i would play with our chicken rice, when my parents would go play jackpot at safra and my sis and i would go fun dazzle and play with balls, when i would sit behind my dad and watch him play PS2 or diablo, when my dad taught us squash and badminton, when we would huddle round the TV together and watch huan zhu ge ge,

when i was so fucking unappreciative of the time we had together, always wanting my fucking freedom. always showing a fucking black face for all the family outings. im so fucked up.

thus im fucking protective of my family. i dont like the feeling of someone else taking them away. thats why i always try to block out all outsiders. but now i know i cant do that. things are bound to change, i can't preserve things even though i want to. its like i would want something new to happen for myself but im too afraid of taking the chance to be serious with anyone. it's bound to jeopardize my relationship with my family. i dont think this is coming out right but i can't think of any other way to put it. i just dont want things to change. i wish i was still 12.

i dont know why when i look back on my life with my family yes, i feel happy that we have done so many things together but i feel equally fucked up for not savoring every moment of it. when i look back all i see are regrets of what could have been done better. i'm so afraid of whats to come. can the clock stop ticking? can God take me first before any of them? i dont wanna have to deal with it.

i have a big problem dealing with loss.


.......im not even half done with the other stuff thats on my mind.

its weird that im talking to my mice right. hahaha i feel like people are only listening cos they have to. okay i dont know if my mice really wanna hear me mumble in their ears hahaha at least they love me right. i dont know what it is but i seriously need to do something so extreme to get my mind off stuff i dont dont dont dont dont dont wanna think about. racing games help. that's what i figured out today. love racing games ttm. just wanna destroy everything in my way. yea thats pretty much how i feel everytime i feel emo. auto destructive mode. no i seriously wanna scream and punch anything in the way. but thats not feasible right -_- hahaha

so i just shut the fuck up and stare into space.


i have this really sick and cruel wish but everyday im still hoping it'll come true. haha yes, this is probably the only thing NONE of my friends and family know about. none. god please make it happen.

ITS HERE. those feelings are here again. i like to tell myself i only have these feelings because i'm bored. it's been a long time since i pursued, not give up. or maybe i'm still caught up in the past. i dont know. nevermind, keep telling myself im not worth it then i wont do anything.

I just wanna sit and stare at the wall all day.

its still happy cherryl week by the way.
i hope all of cherryl's friends are happy.

半岛铁盒

I was on the bus to school and jay chou's 半岛铁盒 was on repeat. Surprisingly I was feeling down but what's more surprising is that i wasn't sad for myself.

I got to know the song from a friend while we were singing at Kbox. Initially I didn't think much about it but as I listened to the lyrics it dawned on me that it described his life w his ex. It wasn't so much pity but more of empathy. I guess. Many of you know who I am talking about..

My only wish this year is probably for him to find happiness but it's not happening. I would give anything for him to reconcile or wtv w his ex. Anything to see him smile from the heart.

I personally hate it when people are not happy yet they pretend that they are，thats why I would rather not smile at all when I an happy because I don't like to put up a front.

I feel like I'm in the pits yet it's not even my problem to deal with.

I would give anything.

HAVE I MENTIONED THAT MY BODY CLOCK IS SCREWED UP REALLY BADLY.

i hate tossing and turning and not falling asleep!! ):

nomore happy cherryl week

I am emo gal because my sister don't wanna go cut hair with me today.

I am going to stop being an emo bitch because there are enough emo bitches for vultures to feed on till the year 3000. though sometimes i really think i've mastered the art of true emoing because i actually have nothing to be emo about HAHAHAHA. i have no boyfriend to break my heart, my family is crazy fun, i have awesome friends maybe just one or two that went astray. if i think about it i should be one of the happiest people around. I always tell people to dwell on what they have and not what they dont hahaha maybe i should finally apply that to my own life. yes, i never ever practice what i preach. oops. okay but happy doesnt mean less bitterness and cynicism okay HAHAHA.

anyway people always say that the stronger person is the one able to let go of his hatred. and i know its true because i've tried it. it takes SO much more than just giving in and scolding the person. i do like a challenge. but as the saying goes, forgive your enemies cos nothing annoys them more than that. its happy cherryl week!

i have school at 12!! yes and i can't sleep ): my body clock is still screwed up from the holidays. HAHAHAAH i just disturbed dilys on msn. omg im actually quite looking forward to the class gathering hahaha. bloody long since i saw dilys!!! okay im going to read some stuff online. BYE!!

I'm in a good mood because i won all my bets today hehehe. helped me to cover all my losses -_- yay! okay. interesting matches tomorrow! anyway. i know i said this a million times but my mice are really the cutest pieces of rodents on this earth. the way the climb the cage and peek at me through the bars. really i wanna kiss them awwwww! they make me smile every single day (:

Series of events made me realise i really just wanna be alone for now. i used to love the drama of BGR. the chase, the thrill. now it all just seems so alien to me. words. how promising can words be? aren't they all just a gimmick to get someone to trust you then after that you can manipulate them as you wish? i seriously HATE sweet talk to the core. im so immuned to it i swear to god i feel NOTHING when someone says those words to me. i don't even know why people get into a relationship at my age haha! what are you hoping to get out of it? some company when you're lonely? some attention? call me a non believer because i am. i just dont see this relationship thingy working out for me anytime in near future.

its too tiring. constantly thinking of how to please them. what to wear. how to mix well with their friends. how to bewitch them. their expectations your expectations. maybe im the only one whose tired of relationships because im the only one constantly worried about these when im in one. or am i? i can give you a politically correct definition of how relationships are supposed to be your second home. where you can be yourself. you know that's not true. be it 1 year or 5 years you still hope that when you see your partner you will WOW them with your new hairstyle or perfume or something. sigh what for.

maybe its just me. maybe i just haven't found someone i can totally be myself around. someone who doesnt mind a moodswinging crazy bitch TRUST ME THERE ARE FEWER GUYS THAN YOU THINK WHO LIKE SUCH GIRLS. maybe its coming. i just need to believe. keep believing and hoping that true love will knock on my door. i should give true love my address again.

i know i can sometimes be very bitter about my close friends getting attached. im not sure of the psychological reason behind it yet. ok its definitely not because i want everyone to be alone like me okay hahahahahha. then again.. could it be that i am really just selfish and as long as i am not happy i dont wanna see others happy? this is really messing with my mind. one of the reasons is that i've been through quite abit of shit and i really dont want all of you to go through the same thing. especially when you come and tell me whats wrong i really dont wish to see you in that kind of state. like Bullet for my Valentine sang, "If its supposed to be like this, why do most of us ignore the chance to miss?" yet, i am forcing my beliefs on you. yup. i admit im wrong. from now on i'll leave out my beliefs.

anyway i saw this totally cute waiter at Hillman just now HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

i'm in like the worst mood ever. im hungry but there's nothing to eat at home that i haven't already stuffed myself with over the past few days so im kinda not in the mood to eat any of that. i can go on and on about how upset i am about being broke and having no food but i guess i wont.

I'm still hoping that good things will happen to me.

Contrary to what people say, i think that appearing offline is NOT stupid.

I'm with you

I'm standing on the bridge, I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now.
There's nothing but the rain, No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound.

Tadah, the first person who dares to hold my mice (:

Joyce came over for awhile to waste our lives away together. Finally realised that all my girly friends are maturing so quickly and i am the only one still.. like that. -_-

Day before went for geok's chalet, had an awesome time, stayed over and came back.

Okays shan't say much for now.

I have a new favourite poet/author, Oscar Wilde. His quotes make my brain cells tingle.

“There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.”
-Oscar Wilde

"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes"
-Oscar Wilde

I could spend all day reading his works.

Anyway, I watched a baby pigeon grow from just an egg to a teen bird now.
I couldn't find anything younger than this bird but this is already about 2 weeks old.


Isn't it amazing how it becomes this?


Its so adorable :D Only when they are on your windowsill, not when they are flying above you in Orchard road dropping bombs.

My thoughts wrapped up in a post.

So i was wondering why i always get so worked up when people ask me about my job. And i figured its because i don't like the feeling of losing. In fact i hate losing very very much. So i get annoyed because i hate describing my job and the pay i earn is obviously measly as compared to what i can achieve. Speaking of what i can achieve, i get even more annoyed because i am ALREADY so annoyed with myself that i can't seem to have the discipline to suck it up and stick to 1 job even if i hate it to the core. My self discipline is non existent. I KNOW that its a part time job and being paid like $6/hr is totally normal in Singapore but its not the best. People are working in KTV lounges for $10/hr but i would never do that because i always give myself excuses not to do something.

I would stop halfway and walk if i went jogging, so why bother? I have a Ju-on face and i cannot approach strangers so why bother continuing my retail job? I'm like the weirdest person ever. I would give myself 83048203482023 fucking excuses to PURSUE something, then i would again give myself 82048230482034802480248032 more excuses to QUIT what i started. I don't know if its because i lose interest easily in something or whatever reason but it brings about much self disappointment sometimes. Sometimes i stick to what i pursued for 4-5 days... and everyone who has had hope in me starts to think i'm picking myself up again... then BOOM i quit and its like dropping a bombshell on them.

So it all boils down to feeling like a loser because i can't seem to hang onto anything worth hanging onto. Plus i like being the best at something. Really, i do. I like having the best job. I like having the best results among my friends (hard work or no hard work). I love how i shove my face with food but i'm not obese yet. I love how i love something that no one else loves (my mice). I love how unique i am although it is to the point of obnoxiousness. I love how even the basics, like my name, is already different from everybody else. But unfortunately there are just some things that i can't conquer. For example if you ask me about my stamina i would gladly laugh along with you because i know from the bottom of my heart i can't run. But things like jobs, school results, relationships, money are things that i can be best at too. Yet its not happening because of the restrictions i set on myself therefore i feel EXTREMELY touchy when asked about these topics.

So JYJJ love, i hope this is a good enough explanation on why i flare up every time you talk about certain things. I'm sorry for my toxic attitude that i know have made you feel like shit and unappreciated time and time again. I promise, cross my heart and hope to die (though really, i hope to die all the time) that i will not flare up when unneccesary and don't be afraid to just say what you want to say okay? Meaning, you don't have to talk to me based on my mood or my restrictions i placed on you. I love you, you are really truly deserving to be my BGF and you are truly the only one i 100% feel this way about.

There, i think i've got it all figured out. For now.

On a totally unrelated note, the feeling of being liked is ALWAYS the best. wink.

Oh yes update for today (thursday). Met terry for Hotpot Culture at Marina Sqre. The food was actually pretty awesome and its just $13.80++ (in total it was about $16 each) for the all you can eat lunch buffet from 12-5pm. So the puzzling thing was that the place was pretty damn empty. But i swear that if you can ignore the slightly substandard service, you will have a good time shoving your face with food. Headed to town, shopped, then met samuel, terry's friend. Went Kbox where i had a good time laughing my ass off at terry then went to eat prata. Oh its not that i wasn't full from the buffet, i just vomited everything out a few hours later. BUT TERRY'S FINE SO ITS NOT THE FOOD!

I believe God makes you cross paths with people for a reason. Every single person you know now has altered your fate even though you can't see it. So if you are wondering why you have such family or friends or colleagues, just remember they have helped you in ways you could never imagine, literally. All the tears, the pain, the laughter, the fights - they were all worth something that helped you grow mentally and spiritually.

When you look back on your life, the bitches whom you can't see eye to eye with or who have forgotten you, have left you to understand which friendships are worth holding on to and that you shouldn't give your 100% to just anyone. The guardian angels who have been there but somehow, you just don't see them, help you to keep your child-like faith that's so badly needed in this world where you would like to believe there's still something good in everyone. The people who like you are there for 3 simple reasons, to help you gather some self confidence, to bring out the humanity in you so much so that you do not brutally tear their hearts apart but learn to let them down softly and lastly to show you what love is. Everyone is there to show you the meaning of something else. You just have to look hard enough to find it and find closure.

Friends never fail to ask me what is Love. Do you have a note book and a pen? Jot down every single thing daily that has been done for you out of love. When you are on your deathbed reading this notebook, that's when you will truly know what Love is.


p.s If you made it to the bottom and you carefully read what i wrote, thank you. It means a lot to me.

One unexpected call sends me to the mooooooooooon the moon the moon the moon the moon hehehehehe!

"When you lent me the money you said i wouldn't have to return it until the future. THIS ISN'T THE FUTURE!"
-Homer Simpson

HAHAHAHA OKAY THE WAY HE SAID IT WAS HILARIOUS

One unexpected call sends me to the mooooooooooon the moon the moon the moon the moon hehehehehe!

Past few days have been gaming, gaming and more gaming with nel. It has been years since i would game until 7-8am and sleep till 4-5pm. Oh well, its always a whole lot of fun to game with long time friends.

If i had the chance to tell you how i feel now i probably could but i wouldn't. Because once again i can truly say you no longer mean a thing to me (: 3 cheers for myself for getting over you about 19032 times already.

Olympus µTOUGH-3000




I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I WANT I've had my current camera for what, 3years plus now? Everyone knows it's battered and old!

Oh yes, by the way I cleared my modules! :>

Here's an interesting take on life.

I was watching a bluebottle yesterday. In an effort to escape the living room, he kept flying against the window, hitting his head against the glass over and over. Then he stopped launching himself at it like a missile and stuck to one little windowpane, buzzing about like he was having a panic attack. It was frustrating to watch, especially because if he'd just flown up a little bit higher towards the top of the window, he'd have been free. But he just kept doing the same thing over and over again. I could imagine his frustration of being able to see the trees, the flowers, the sky, yet not being able to get to them. I tried to help him a few times, to guide him towards the open window, but he flew away from me around the room. He'd eventually come back to the same window and I could almost hear him: "Well, this is the way I came in..."

I wonder if my watching him from the armchair is what it's like to be God, if there is a God. He sits back and sees the big picture, just as I could see that if the bluebottle just moved up the window to the top, then he'd be free. He wasn't really trapped at all, he was just looking in the wrong place. I wonder if God can see a way out for me and mum. That idea brings me comfort. Well, it did, until I left the room and returned a few hours later to find a dead bluebottle on the windowsill. It may not have been him but still... Then to show you where my mind is right now, I started crying...

Then I got mad at God because in my head the death of the bluebottle meant mum and I might never find our way out of this mess. What good is it being so far back you can see everything and yet not doing anything to help?

Then I realised that I was the God on this occasion. I had tried to help the bluebottle, but it wouldn't let me. And then i felt sorry for God because i understood his frustration. Sometimes when people offer a helping hand, it gets pushed away. People always want to help themselves first.

-Cecelia Ahern, The Book of Tomorrow

Beautifully written.

omg i found THE song of my life.

yesterday was fun. met joshua after work, went to eat at cine then went nearby to sit and chill. in a blink of an eye it was like 3am hahaha.

i could get used to this life.

hey. mega emo wave just consumed me. i knew it. all happiness will just go away after a few days. somehow it always comes back to you. i really wish i would knock my head against something and forget everyone. everything. my biggest wish.

anyway i've worked for 2 days and have not quit! yar, it IS a big deal k thnks. it's like going back to school so much memorising to do ): nevermind, i promised myself i'd give retail sales a chance though. yawn. going to bed. still need to work tmr and sunday. fucking retail. lmao. bye.

so fuckingggggggggggggggggggg emoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

p.s if you have a prob with me srsly just tell it to my face and direct it to me. dont be such a cowardly whore.

nobody blogs anymore.

anyway, 4more days. sweat.

那种感觉是真的过了 还是它还会回来呢?

it's always good to know what place you are in at intervals of your life. right now im in a place called Forgetting. slowly slowly slowly (:

yesterday/today was really one of my happiest days in a long long time. (:

guess who i went out with!! the legendary nelson phua!! nelson phua leh!!! and joshua chu!! hahaha not that you're second to nelson okay hahaahah. omg been like years since i saw them but it wasnt awkward at all. went to eat applebees at tripleone somerset at 9 something then went to sing k till 5am LMAO. and yay! jiawen came down halfway (: i love you loads jiawen! she's really the only one who will come sing k with me every time i ask her although she has stuff the next day and all.

lmao finally heard nelson sing. you know how long i waited to hear him sing? 6 years. LMAO. he say he owe me jaychou's qing tian since sec 1. so finally he can pay off his 'debt' hahaha. and today is his birthday so happy birthday nelson phuaaaaa. i hope you feel bad forever for not wanting to take a picture with me hahaha. nah im kidding. joshua is so nice too! he sent me home first although it would have been shorter to go to his house first haha.

wah i don't know how long since my blog had so many 'haahahahahaha's man. but i feel really happy now! i didn't think of a SINGLE emo thing since the time i met them till now. yea N trumps F. ;)

i have work at like 12pm HAHAHA OKAY I THINK I SHOULD GO SLEEP NOW. im sensible enough to know that i cant be late for work hahaha.

another day has passed.. i'm out with friends and my body is laughing but my soul is staring into thin air. i try. i try to let the smile reach my eyes.. but somewhere along the way it dies out. i truly understand the meaning of pain behind the mask. don't have to ask me whats wrong.. because i myself am not sure. i wish i knew. it would be easier to eradicate the problem if i knew the root of it. right now i'm just lost. its true - these tears have no meaning. i could cry you a river.. but it'd be as dead as i am inside.

im gonna be downright honest here. i absolutely HATE how my friends are getting attached. i don't care if he's all you ever wanted okay. i dont. yes im selfish i want my friends all to myself.

thats what i would say if the world was PERFECT. unfortunately everyone is just moving on with their lives. are memories worth anything? guess not. neither are bonds and ties and all that shit. so congratulations to everyone who thinks they have found the one. i give you ALL my blessings and pls stop being so negative. its like people just keep wanting more and more it makes me sick. just be happy you have found someone whose willing to stick it out with you. if youre so god damn unhappy then just end it and move on.

thats all im going to say. gonna MIA for awhile. cos people can be so selfish sometimes even though you've been there for them all along. so self absorbed with their own problems. sorry im not one who likes to share attention if i could get some. i hate it the most when i talk about my problems and somehow the attention shifts to the other person's problems. surprise surprise? NO, I'VE BEEN LIKE THAT ALL ALONG. and NO IM NOT SELF ABSORBED because when you confide in me i give you 100% attention on YOUR problems only.

awhile back i would have never said all this out because i wouldnt want any of my friends to feel bad. but i srsly dont give a damn anymore? since everything is going down the drain might as well. yea thats rly all. please dont look for me to talk to about your problems i've had enough for now.

naise? NAISE? WHAT KIND OF STUPID LINGO IS THAT. WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST TYPE NICE. annoying.

what are you? a travel agent? cos you're sending me on a guilt trip.
HAHAHAHAHAHA homer simpson. word.

seriously, why?

why do we always miss someone we're not supposed to? is it human to want something we can't have? there are a thousand and one people we can talk to but we only want to talk to one and this person is not even inside the thousand and one people. we use all our waking hours trying to convince ourselves that we are stronger than that, that we don't need whoever we're missing. some manage to delude themselves while others just sink deeper into their own misery after failing to do so.

sometimes i think we feel human when we feel pain. the way our hearts twist and beats when we hear that person's name, when we bask in their presence, when we get lost in their words. on the surface we are savoring each second but on the inside we just wanna shoot ourselves because once the day is over you are back to square 1. with the tendency to over analyse everything, everything the person says has 832428423 meanings to it. i just wanna be a mindreader for ONE day. one day is all i need. if i met a genie now thats all i want.

there's this satisfaction in checking if the person you like is online. even though you know they are not going to talk to you, you just feel satisfied knowing that they're online. and when they go offline without talking to you that's when you realise what a shit day it has been. oh! they came online again! yea, the hope kills.

roar. just some things that are keeping me awake. shoot me, do a clean job.

good luck at your reattempt to once again become my nemesis.

had an awesome day out with sam yixiang adrien and fandy.

before that i went to katong's chin mee chin to get some cupcakes and i saw adrien pang!! he's so hot please. his english is so fluent and sexy. whoo. anyway i was caught in the rain and blahblah anyway i was like an hour late to meet the gang. sorry guys, LOVE YOU -PUPPYDOG EYES-

anyway walked from khatib to bottle tree park! khatib is fucking far from any fucking place i think its the last time i'm going back there.


there was only 1 bottle tree. in what sense is this a PARK.

there was this cool dinosaur thing haha.


i think she blends in with the plant, like a stick insect.

lmao sam was pissed when i wldnt get on the cow after she tried like countless times and embarrassed herself HAHAHAHAHA


giant prawn!!!!

washing the prawns and sticking a stick through them to cook. cruel, so let the guys do HAHAHA




lmao sam hates this photo cos she looks like a satay aunty


not bad hor!



LOL i love this photo so cute.







i didnt drink!

i really hate alcohol btw. i dont think its cool in any way and it makes me sick.

i have the face shape of a cow.


our dinner at some bbq korean place opposite haw par villa.


ya after that we were trying to see if we could capture scary images with our cam.


not working. lmao. so today was really awesome btw. (: except that when i was taking a bus home from harbourfront i needed to pee so badly but i didnt wanna get off the bus so i held in my pee for 1 hour plus till i got home. NEXT TIME THEY WANT A LOCATION IM GOING TO SAY EAST COAST LOL.

so whats worst? wanting to pee, wanting to vomit or having stomach ache on public transport. i've had all of them and from experience i think wanting to vomit is the worst. cos its those AT-YOUR-THROAT vomit and you hv no choice but to get off the bus. i've had AT-YOUR-ASS stomach ache too but somehow i managed to overcome it. whoohoo.


"你的明天有多快乐， 不是我的
我们的爱是唱一半的歌
时间把习惯换了， 伤口愈合
也撤消我在想你的资格"

exactly what im feeling now.

okay, i don't think i'm that strong after all. time is running out and i wish we had more together before we part ways. that would really make me sad for months.
i know no one bothers to read what i write after a long post of pictures lmao.

"Brothers and Sisters have i none.
But this man's father is my father's son"
Brain teaser.

HAHAHAHAH SO COOL AH.

sucks. sam is right. i'm like fucking back to square 1. i like having the queasy stomach aches and the anticipation of receiving a text from someone you like but i hate it when it becomes one of those situations where you can't fucking get past a day w/o hearing from them. damn frustrating. i guess i wasn't ready to be one on one with you yet. cos now there are just surges of memories from the day we met till now. its the expectations i swear. the fucking expectation that since you msged me when you needed me you would be bound to do it even after i helped you. STUPID OR WHAT. YOU THINK EVERYONE LIKE AN ANGEL AH CHERRYL LUM. STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP EXPECTING THINGS TO HAPPEN. OMG! OMG! OMG! WHY DO SUCH PERIODS IN MY LIFE HAPPEN SO OFTEN. why can't i just let things go. why why why why why why why why why do i need a real hard fall to get over things. WHY AM I SO VULNERABLE. WHY DO I ALWAYS MEET PEOPLE THAT I CAN'T LIVE W/O FOR A CERTAIN PERIOD OF TIME. i doubt there's anyone who had the same feeling about me. omg i'm like fucking left on the shelf. HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHA L.

uniboy: i'm getting a chinchilla =D
cherryl: shld pit it against my mice someday
uniboy: it's bigger and it jumps =D
cherryl: don't underestimate my mice
uniboy: okay fine i'm getting a cat.

HAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHA

thank you my dear sister.

sometimes in life, we come close to having that perfect moment with that perfect someone. the mood is right, the place is right, everything but the most important of all - the feeling. as much as you want the experience to be as important to them, it will just be another normal day in their lives..

my mood is so fucking bad i don't even know what to do.

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII. EXAMS ARE OVER. :D
i know it seems like i only had to endure my agony for like 3 minutes as compared to like those people who have no breaks and are like constantly studying but WHATEVER THIS IS AS MUCH AS I CAN TAKE. im so exhausted. went to lot1 today with sam. all the way at cck. then went tiong bahru to teach f MA. i realised tiong bahru is really damn fucking near to every place. cck to there by train is less than half hour you know. somemore it was near peak hour already like 5 something.

i like the way things are now.

okay i didn't sleep last night, went for exam, studied after school then came back and napped till now. so i'm like half zombie half human now. omg omg omg so sucky i'm gonna finish finance and faster sleep. tmr marks my freedom!!! i have to admit SIM's exam schedule has always been so short and retarded. but yay anyway! (:

i'm eating cheese flavored ruffles and my mice are going crazy from the smell. hehehe cute.

hi there.
am really upset right now because i think i am going to fail my first paper. i didn't really mind failing in JC because it was like... FREE?!!??! $300 TO REPEAT A MODULE IN SIM LEH. I SELL ALL MY ORGANS ALSO NOT SO MUCH. fuck..i just want a pass. otherwise i have been slogging for all the fucking projects for fuck.

it's kind of pointless to tell anyone how upset i'm feeling cos all they say is "oh don't worry lah im sure you will pass!" or "don't be upset! im sure it will be okay!" okay my fucking ass!? i'm fucking honest. if i am prepared for a paper i will never tell anyone that i have not studied. if i tell you there is a 90% chance i might fail THEN JUST FUCKING BELIEVE ME CAN ANOT. then again, there's not much anyone can reply to that either.

fuck much.