2013 - Its perks and jerks

The time has come again to sit down and reflect on 2013. I'm not going to lie, 2013 is the year with the MOST changes in my entire life and this is going to be one of the longest reflections I have ever done. I think with every new year that comes we grow a little more and we become a little more determined to get what we want. So here goes.

[1]
Needless to say, the first major change was my break up with Josh. We both decided that enough was enough and we needed to grow up before we could ever see ourselves together again. Josh taught me to laugh at myself. He taught me not to give a fuck about what other people thought about me because when you're outside with someone you love and you're together; that's all that matters. He taught me to enjoy life by giving me the best he ever had. We were perfect but as Kelly Clarkson would say, perfect couldn't keep this love alive.

The last few months together were painful. I was so unhappy I was losing weight at rapid speeds and even my dad asked if I was okay and why I was losing so much weight. Josh rarely smiled anymore. I cried over how I had changed this once happy-go-lucky ball of joy to a seething ball of fire. His tolerance was dwindling and I could tell that he did not understand why it had to be so difficult. Our love could not overcome life and the countless obstacles between us. And so we did what we thought we would never be able to do, we parted ways. It impacted me in ways I can never explain even until now. It didn't really help that my family wasn't there for any support. I helped myself by getting a tattoo that This too shall pass and I hung onto the words like religion. Keep believing that its true and I became numb to my sadness after awhile.

I have been privileged though, to be able to remain friends with all the mutual people I have come to love so dear over the 2 plus years with Josh. Thank you for being the guy who made me grow up and be more thoughtful for others. Thank you for never ever judging me and the things that I choose to do. Thank you for making me feel special every single day by reminding me that I'm your princess. Thank you for your family that accepts me for who I am and is always showering me with gifts and all. Special thanks to your mom who always thinks of bringing me on trips and shares her beauty packages with me. For being so chin chai and playing mah-jong with me to kill time sometimes. I will miss my lifestyle when I was with you. I will miss the late night joy rides with you, singing at the top of our voices because we owned the world. Thank you for still being one of my best friends. : 3


[2]
The second major change was growing up and getting my first job as Customer Service Executive in OCBC. I remember spending months on end scouring the internet and newspapers for jobs. After 6 months of hanging out until 7am daily and talking about the future with geok and josh, geok and I finally got called for an interview with OCBC. We had mixed feelings but we were determined to get into a bank some way or other and jump within the banking industry. We prepared hard for the interview and gave it our best.

I remember getting the call from OCBC telling me that I had been accepted for the job. I didn't accept the job immediately although I had been looking for so long. I called geok to ask if they had called her and she said no. I muttered that I may reject the job because I was afraid of change and I didn't want to step into the world without geok. Geok scolded me though, telling me not to be stupid. I could tell she was pretty bummed out but it was not easy to find a job with such good pay for fresh grads and she really wanted me to take it.

That's how I ended up in OCBC meeting so many awesome people. I guess a customer service job is a good way to learn not to treat service staff like shit when you are in the position of a customer. I learnt some things from the job that you will never learn anywhere else. I enjoyed talking to customers everyday and when you meet a grateful customer its always a mood turner. The only downside is that it applies to nasty customers too. I didn't have the patience to deal with shit people who think they deserve to have everything. So as my time in OCBC went by, I decided I couldn't stay there anymore.

Besides the experience, I can not express more how grateful I am to meet a bunch of people whom I can trust with work secrets and whom I can freely bitch to.

{a} Wallis/Walrus
I would have died if I didn't have you in OCBC. I cannot thank you enough not only for generously giving me a lift to work daily even though I am damn 'tu' everyday hahaha. THANK YOU FOR WAITING (although towards the end I bet you were like 'fuck you bitch damn right I'm gonna leave first' hahaha). Also for being in the same team as me and going through what I go through. I cannot imagine not having you opposite me and not having you to brighten up my day. Although we have confirmed that our moods are conversely related but that's what we have each other for.

I still believe that as we go along in life we will continue to make 1 or 2 friends that we will keep and I feel that its really fate that we live opposite each other and can continue to hang out even after we've left OCBC. Thank you for refreshing my 2013 by bringing so many new friends into my life. For always including me in your biker outings even though you didn't have to. For making me gian to buy my own helmet and to learn more about bikes. Thank you for being one of the rare new friends that I feel comfortable enough to go overseas with. Thank you for being a gambling addict like me hahaha. If Glenn bullies you let me know, I help you bully him back.

You've taught me that even when life throws you so many hurdles, you can choose to be strong and smile and laugh. Though of course I know you rather choose to cry luh you big cry baby. Thank you for also introducing me to an awesome guy called Simon Lin who is very weird. hahaha. I love you! Let us work hard and earn lots of money in our new job so we can open our business at 40 years old and quarrel over who will open the shop every day hahaha. I will always be just next door if you want to drink tea and kp about shit. < 3

{b} Parinee/Piranha
Bitch, its so hard to find friends like you who we can have the quietest lunch cos both of us are having a shit day. Its so hard to find friends like you who will actually laugh when I say 'Look at that bitch eating her salad' cos you are totally bitchy enough to get what I mean. Thank you for unintentionally making me laugh if I just had a shit call - every time I see you drag your feet to pantry to take water and drag your feet back to your desk I will laugh. Thank you for showering us with FOOD. Thank you for taking every day in OCBC as dress down day HAHAHA you are damn funny girl.

Thank you for also introducing us to your awesome boyfriend, Dick, who turned out to be a very good gambling buddy too. For letting me tag along on your couple dinners on nights that I had no plans haha. For loving food as much as I do and are always willing to spend to eat. I am truly sorry we had to leave OCBC and leave you there alone but I'm sure you will find other friends or a better job soon. I will continue to jio you for mah-jong and kbox sessions so this is not goodbye. Thank you for being a big part of my 2013. May you and Dick have each other's undying love for life hahaha.

Of course my smoke buddy Nabil who likes to scare the shit out of me when I'm daydreaming and to Sam for teaching me to be careful who I make bets with. Thank you for being a big part of my life in OCBC. : 3

So towards the start of December I managed to clinch a job at UOB as Chargeback officer and I had to say goodbye to all the people that I love in OCBC. It was dreadful saying goodbye but I'm sure our paths will meet again.

[3]
So within the same year, I started my second job at UOB. I am grateful for being able to find a job so quickly. When I tendered at OCBC I actually hadn't found a job and I was half hoping I would be able to get some rest before finding one but God had other plans for me. : 3

I am still into my second week at UOB and I have yet to really get into the job and do what I was hired for; plus its holiday season. But the people in UOB are all so nice to each other. I feel happy that I am able to eat comfortably with my lunch buddies and for the location to be pretty near to my house such that I can sleep later every day. All in all, I'm grateful. Will probably update and bitch more about my job in 2014!

[4]
Last but not least, a big change in 2013 is that I found this guy called Simon Lin. Thank you cupid Wallis for repeatedly making our paths cross and for giving us chances to talk to each other. Baby, thank you for constantly using new 'tricks' to impress me hahaha and for being really sweet although you show it in very weird ways. HAHAHA. Thank you for trying hard to remember what I like and don't like and for riding a little slower and safer whenever I'm around. I may not know all the changes you have made for me as it is still too early to tell but I'm lucky to have found someone who adores me and is proud to bring me to his gatherings.

Thank you for always coming down from Yishun to accompany me and for giving in to me everytime I whine. Although we've not been together for long, I'm in it for the long run and I'm sorry if I had hurt you in any way within these few months as I know I have a very acidic character. I'm not sure where this road will take us but I'm dying to find out. Thank you for keeping me grounded (although too much sometimes) and for supporting my dreams and being happy for me. :3

=============

{c} Geok
Thank you for not being there and being there at the same time. It's funny but you seem to be able to tell when I'm calling you for fun or when I'm calling you because I really need you to be there for me. And true enough you have never failed to be there for me when I really need you to be. Again, I'm not going to write you a long mushy note because you and I both know it will just make us want to puke. So bitch, I will continue to hound you till you're old and wrinkly and we will still drink pokka green tea and chill because fuck work and fuck sleep right.

p.s Please come back in one piece from the US.

{d} Claire
Thank you for loving me and being an older sister in different ways. I may not understand why sometimes you do what you do and upset everybody but I'm sure that you have your reasons. Thank you for being happy for me everytime I achieve something and for caring enough to say 'Good job' or 'Congratulations' - it really helped me pick myself up. I don't have much to say about us in 2013 as our distance is only growing further but you know I will still be here if you need somebody. Love you.

{e} Mummy and Daddy
Another year has come and gone and both of you are getting older. Yes mummy, you too. Thank you for caring about me in your own ways and for accepting me for who I am. Thank you for being such cool parents and trusting me to make my own decisions as I grow older. I am never ashamed to tell my friends what cool parents I have. I will work hard to give you guys the life you deserve when you are even older and I promise I won't throw you into an old folks home when you are senile daddy. I love you both! I may not be very capable and neat and I love to go out late at night but I hope that you will also take into consideration the little things that I do for you guys. < 3

================

2013 had also been filled with regrets and people that I've slowly lost. I'm sorry for not taking the effort to meet up with friends that have constantly been asking to meet (you know who you are heh). It has been a pretty childish and laid back year with the few spikes here and there but all in all I'm grateful that the world did not end in 2012.

Resolutions for 2014
[1] Take a bus to work at least twice a week
[2] By hook or crook, save at least $400 every month.
[3] Always count to 5 before flaring up. Always remember that no matter how unhappy I am, it too shall pass.
[4] Learn my own worth. Don't place people first when you are clearly not their priority.

Happy new year to all and may it have less tears than 2013.

The past few months have been surreal. I cannot believe life is moving forward so quickly. Gosh, before I know it I'll be married with 3 kids and whining to my friends about how I should have chosen natural birth over caesarean.

I am into my last week at OCBC. Have gotten a new job at UOB. Screw whoever said contact centre/customer service roles can't get you anywhere in life bitches. For this I have to thank geok for going through those nights with me where we said 'fuck them bitches who will never understand that this is the quickest and smartest way up'.

Sometimes I feel guilty. There are many people out there who deserve so much more than what I am getting in life. People who work so much harder which is why I really feel like someone up there must love me. HAHA.

THANK YOU FOR ALL THE LOVE OMG.

xoxo

Nothing serious that is said in a relationship should be viewed by the other party as stupid and over thinking. Once you start to think that the other party is sprouting nonsense about the r/s then the mutual respect is gone and it will go nowhere. 

Because everything that is said about 'us' in a serious manner is something that really affects one party therefore it shouldnt be taken lightly. You can joke about it but don't ignore it and be quiet just because you think its stupid to tackle. 

what a shitty shitty day gone wrong

i dont know what im doing

Time is flying by so quickly that I don't have time to capture the memories I want to keep. I don't even have time to consider which moments are worth keeping. Everything is just slipping away as usual. What would flash before my eyes before I die? 

Leopard never changes its spots

It's happening again. Sooner than I expected though. I will never find love again. I must have done something terrible in my past life. 

I'm sorry. 

Closure

So I'm on MC today and everyone else is up to their necks with their own relationships/projects/work. And as my music echoes through the house which is about to be smothered by raindrops, I think of you. And my heart aches. Aches at the irony that we really are better off as friends. I know that you probably do not come to this space any more because you have so much pent up resentment. You gave me all you had, literally and I gave you all my love. We were too in love to realise where it was headed and I will not make that mistake again.

I'm not reminiscing - I'm holding on to some qualities and values that I want in a man. The qualities that you had but as fate had to have it, we were really not meant to be. We were too similar for our own good. We both had big dreams - which we used to belittle each other. We both felt like we were giving our 120% but it was never enough because only 10% of that was what we expected of each other. Of course it wasn't enough. That really brings meaning to the phrase 'Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.'

We were too quick witted for each other. You countered all my quick remarks (like Taylor Swift sang) but no matter how good we were at that, we were never that good at damage control. We loved hard but fought harder. For every bright light in our relationship; there were 10 more shadows to bring us both down. It didn't matter that no one saw what I saw in you. A man with big dreams both for yourself and for me to live comfortably, a man who didn't let people bring him down and takes criticism as space to improve (too good to be true but it is). A man who wouldn't settle for less.

But that's all.

I will not love the same way again. I will love differently and throw away my fear of change.

Goodbye my love.

nothing gold can stay

i don't know why but i tend to fuck up everything thats good in my life. my overly cynical character makes me suspicious of any good thing that comes along my way. i cant blame it on experience; i can only blame myself for letting it affect my outlook on people who truly care. 

someday i'll be cured. 

I have an attitude even my mother can't love. 

I'm feeling down again. After occupying my time with work and meetups I still end up exactly where I am supposed to be. And that's alone. 

A breather.

I really regret not doing anything useful when I had the time to. Now I stay in the office till 7 plus everyday and when the weekends come, all I wanna do is sleep. I can't help but feel like I'm wasting and have wasted my youth away. I heard this tends to happen when you hate your job haha. 

I really want to have a short getaway at the end of the year to get away from all this shit. So I'm going to save so hard from today. No usage of cards unless I absolutely need to! I just wanna disappear in another country and be by myself for awhile. 

Where are all my friends anyway? It's not that I need anyone urgently since I always manage to pick myself up but it would be nice to know that the people I have so much faith in actually gave a shit about how I'm getting along. Now I know why people prioritize their boyfriends over friends. In the long run you're going to lose both anyway. Silly me.

Right. 

Rebirth

It's the end of the storm with just drizzles left. While I stand and feel the light patter on my face, I feel a weight being lifted off me. I see the shadows follow the dark clouds into another dimension. A dimension that isn't mine to explore.

All the screaming, fighting, disagreements will follow the shadows. But the pain will remain. Hopefully with what remaining drizzles there are, it will all pass.

Tonight the drizzling will stop. And tomorrow will be sunny once again. because no one likes to be under black clouds. 

So for myself, tomorrow I'll be born again. 

Just tonight.

Tonight I feel awful.

I have never felt more alone in my life. I am so tired of crying. My heart cannot take anymore aching. I don't know how many people I have to lose before I truly understand the meaning of 'You never miss the water till it's gone'.

What is this that I am feeling? It's not guilt nor regret, it's literal heartache. I know that I am stronger than this but a part of me doesn't want to be. This part of me at this point of time just wants to wallow in self pity and ignore the world for a little while. The whole world but you.

Are you thinking of me too?
Are you missing me like I am missing you?

The worst part has got to be facing it alone. Because, where the fuck is everybody when you need them right?

Moving forward.

I've been so tired and busy that I, Cherryl, didn't have the energy and time to blog. I have to say that just after 3 weeks I already feel like a working adult (which I think I am) and I never ever thought I would remember bus and train schedules. Like ever. Well I'm proud to say I've only been late like twice in 3 weeks. And its mostly because I couldn't squeeze up the friggin train not because I woke up late. I've also mastered the art of walking at amazing speeds and dodging oncoming pedestrains like a ninja. 

All in all work has been so fun and I'm really starting to ignore people who look down on my job or who don't get that everyone has to start somewhere. Because these people are not going to grow with you so you might as well drop them like they're hot. I've come to realise that support is really important and it helps if your friends are at the same stage of life as you are or same situation. 

I was quick to judge the people in my class during the first week but now at my third week I'm really regretting judging them so quickly because they are actually all SUCH nice people. :') I need to kick my bad trait of being introverted. Believe me I am trying but there really are a lot of times throughout the day where I just feel like being alone. 

Most of all, I've found this new zest for life and my 20s. I'm not going to waste the prime of my life sulking and bitching about trivial people and matters. I hope my friends would grow with me and share the same passion for living life.

Wah type sibei long. HAHAHA the person upstairs was like my inner voice. and here i am! sound more normal right. anyway i had the worst day ever but tomorrow is a new day hahaha. okay im actually down with a flu and fever and i feel like there's an alien in my uterus slowly ripping it apart. if ya know what i mean. hehe night my little ducklings. 

Happy halfway-mark anniversary spiderpig! Thank you for loving me and accepting me for exactly who I am. ilu! 

Being content.

So recently I've felt like people are being freaking nice to me and I don't deserve it at all. Why would anyone bother to be nice to someone who, for the better half of her life, only bring people around me down? But there are really such friends who exist and I can cry thinking of how nice people are to me. Not enough words to express how guilty I feel for being so negative all the time, even when people are constantly trying to make me feel better. 

I think it really all boils down to how well someone knows you. Like Lucien was being really really sweet last week. After expressing what a shitty day I had on my first day and all, he said he would ask me how work went till I finally tell him that it went alright. Even if he doesnt do it after that, the gesture really goes a long way. 

And Peiwen and G were being so nice. This is kinda personal so I wont type it out but they are lifesavers and they know me the best.

And even this morning, Joshy surprised me and sent me to Joyce's ROM. Even if he didn't mean to surprise me it made me really really happy cos afterall he's in the midst of exams and all. Thank you babypie for understanding so well what I need :) 

And how did i get so lucky to attend joyce's wedding and be her maid of honor, i will never know. And furthermore i stepped on her gown and it ripped HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAH I HOPE YOU STILL LOVE ME JOYCE. 

And recently i started talking to Nichy again. And the best thing was there was no awkwardness at all. Like, how did i get so lucky? He is really the only guy friend I love so much besides lucien. sigh. 

And my parents are so freaking nice too. ah i wont elaborate but HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY? 

I needa count my blessings everyday so that i wont end up emoing about stupid shit again. I LOVE ALL OF YOU! 

HOMG I'm so excited for tomorrow!!

I want to let go. I wish I could.

So I'm not sure if I'm just fickle like that or if this is called being open to new experiences. 

You know how sometimes you don't contact someone for more than a year and sooner or later they become like one of the old things you throw out from your room because you don't use them anymore. That sorta thing. Not throw out, in this case of course, just give up on the r/s. But as you know, my friends are really the second most important thing in my life, like a second family. So everytime I 'reconnect' with one of them it gives me this flicker of hope that things might go back to the way they used to. 

Maybe not the way they used to, but you get the gist. Not the awkward conversations and catching up but more of comfort and saying whatever the hell you want. I know I think too much and everyone nowadays don't really think of such stuff anymore haha. Anyway the point is, I was happy to be given the chance to talk to an old friend today and I really miss when it was just me and her against the world in the past. 

Well, I'm as bad at saying I miss you as i am at saying goodbye so -shuffle feet awkwardly- I miss you tiffanie and all the dumb shit we used to do together. 

Sigh, I don't know why I feel like shit all the time. I'm so sick of feeling like shit. I can't seem to find that place inside me where I am happy with what I have. I just keep wanting and wanting. I'm so sick of not being good enough. I need to work myself to death to be good enough. I'm going to work myself to death to be good enough.

I feel that the best 'conversations' are those which you need not speak yet every word you wish to say can be heard.

I actually have a lot of posts that I didn't have the discipline to finish so I'm gonna try and finish this one.

I've come to realise that I am rather obsessive. and for this I actually think Whatsapp is a very very bad app for obsessive people because you are able to check when the person was last online and recently I get annoyed when people are online but don't reply. It's kinda consuming me so I think I'll try and stop.

Oh anyway I got a job like 2 weeks ago. Ohyea my first step into my successful career in a bank haha. Let me just make it clear that the process of looking for a part time job and a full time job are completely different. And people often like to compare which really really annoys me. I'd say that I'm satisfied with what I got because I have been diligently looking since last December without any help from anyone. Yep, no referrals. And being very sentimental I'm actually going to miss the entire process of reading up on all the companies to prep for the interviews, listing out possible qsts and answers, finding the right clothes for interviews, etc. But I guess what I miss the most is the thrill of being shortlisted for an interview that you really want. And this is the fine line between part time and full time jobs I guess. I believe your first job is extremely important to building a bridge to your dream career. I have friends who actually told me to just take any random admin job to get by first but I guess it wasn't in my plan to do so.

Another fine line is between the money and what you actually are good at. I'm glad I found a balance between the two for my first job. Bear in mind, what you're good at may not be your interest and you may not be good at what you're interested in. So, some things to think about.

Really excited to start work although I don't show it cos everyone around me seems to be having their own problems and all. Sometimes I think as we grow older there's no one left to genuine listen to your concerns. Everyone just wants a chance to say what's on their mind. So if you have any such friends left, do hang on to them. Cos people do get tired of listening, despite what they may tell you.


Goodnight!

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I ever had.

Death by a heartache.

I fucking hate myself and my lack of self pride and self love. I need to kill myself and scrub this earth of this useless piece of existence.

I think I have some psych problem. Cos the worse people treat me, the nicer I wanna treat them. And I won't quit till I'm truly exhausted.

There are bigger problems in the world than yours and mine.

Don't give up on me.

Opened my eyes, it was only just a dream.

Today's topic is 'Best Female Friend' aka BFF. (inspired by Xiaxue's latest video on clicknetwork)

I guess a lot of you have like a BFF that you share your dirty secrets with, your fashion sense, your  daily experiences and stuff. But sad to say I don't have one. hahaha. I used to have a lot of friends. Like, not boasting, but seriously, a lot. And I always thought of Cheryl as my BFF cos we used to be BFF until we went to different schools and everything. So obviously she can't be counted as my BFF cos we don't even know what's going on in each other's lives. I know there's a saying that best friends don't have to meet everyday and even if they meet after 10000 years they always know what to say and it will never be awkward. that's bullshit I tell you. how can someone be considered your best friend if you don't meet for 10000 years and you guys don't bother to update each other on what's new in your life right?

So anyway, I don't know what happened to all my friends hahaha. I guess life got in the way and nobody really cares about having someone there to talk to anymore. That, or everyone has got their other half to depend on. it's not the same though. like you can't possibly tell your boyfriend about how bad your cramps hurt, or how you think this girl is a bitch or blahblah. cos guys like to solve problems. and they will give you a solution and if you don't take it they will get annoyed. but us chicas just bitch about it together then forget about it. I'm missing that outlet nowadays.

I guess because I am such a vampire, I really don't feel like meeting anyone in the day. and as such I ended up losing half of my friends. And even if we meet up we don't really do anything constructive? so I don't really have much memories of hanging out with my girl friends. I miss just hanging out in school, or going to the nearest mall to eat, class gatherings and such. Nowadays everyone is so busy they only have like 1 hour to meet you for a meal and then its byebye. Seriously I rather not waste my make up and time. These are not the kind of memories I wanna keep or can actually remember.

I always think, whose gonna be my maid of honor when I get married? Geez, I don't have any BFFs to ask. Am I gonna get married in a room full of acquaintances?

On top of this, there are just so many things that make your life better than mine. hahaha.

Speechless

I've given up. I never thought this day would come. I thought I had all the patience in the world to try and try again.

It's funny how we love people who completely don't complement us. I thought I was smarter than this. I let down everyone who ever cared about me. I know I deserve better but I can't pull myself away. I don't even know what's keeping me from letting go. I know its feelings but I refuse to believe that I would be so stupid as to love something that hurts me. I feel like such a hypocrite when I chide my friends who confide in me about their relationships. I always seem to have it all together. I seem calm and collected all the time. Does anybody see me screaming?

This love is irrational. And the damage is irreversible.



And I know that it's complicated 
But I'm a loser in love 
So baby raise a glass to mend 
All the broken hearts 
Of all my wrecked up friends

I'm such a failure. I can't get a job. I tried my best. Still trying. Still hoping. I'm such a failure.

today, i forgot that i was someone unpleasant and undeserving of any love. 

not even a fucking hello.

I don't know if not being affected by my failures is a good or bad thing. :/ It's like I don't really care hahahahahahaha

omg i had the worst experience ever.

1. i decided to finally update my iPhone's iOS to iOS 6. it was a big decision for me because i jailbroke my phone and i love my customizations to bits. but since Installous closed down and i can no longer find a suitable platform to download free applications and my phone is super laggy, i sadly updated my phone.

2. after the update my phone suddenly went crazy. it was stuck on reboot loop. meaning they just kept showing the apple logo then blacking out and the whole process will keep going on and on. the phone will never turn on.

this is when i knew i was in deep shit luh. who knew unjailbreaking your phone would be such a pain in the ass.

3. i tried to remove the iPhone battery and disconnected it from the phone. but after reconnecting and pressing the power button the whole process just continued again. and Apple is damn fucked up by the way, the screws they use are STAR SHAPED. and believe me i don't think any of you have a star shaped screw driver at home.

4. so i tried setting my phone to DFU mode but IT JUST KEPT FLASHING THE APPLE LOGO AT ME AGAIN AND AGAIN. can cry. at this point i was super frustrated already.

5. found this link which saved my ass. [THE LINK] but it probably wont mean a thing to any of you hahahahaha

6. so my phone finally responded to something. and i put it to recovery mode on itunes. bear in mind, i can't back up because my itunes couldn't detect my phone in this state.

7. i think i tried the whole process like 4 times. fucking tedious. and my phone finally got to working.

BUT,

i could only restore it from my last back up date which was 1 August 2012. so i lost half of my pictures and messages. and i feel v sad about it. :/ bang wall and die kind of sad.

:( at least my phone can on and off now -_-

The dark side

Sometimes when I'm angry I punch things then when I calm down, I think of stabbing that person over and over again until the last thing they see would be my knife with their blood and the last thing they feel would be the amount of pain I had to go through because of them.

I think I've gone over to the dark side.

The word 'Irony' is used too often, and often wrong.

I'm so fucking sick of being poor. I know I've made some bad decisions in my life and I totally have the 'Spend all your money today cos you are going to die tomorrow' mindset. BUT THAT'S GONNA CHANGE. I DON'T WANNA BE POOR ANYMORE I AM FUCKING SICK OF IT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING AT ALL UGHHHHHHHHH

in the foulest of moods today. i hate confrontations.

All things happen for a reason

why, hello. 

my days have been good. i think i got more than i deserved and sometimes i dont know how to appreciate it. 

i have been plagued with the problems of my friends and i use the word plague because it really seems like it. and suddenly all of us are in this sad vortex with the suction force of quicksand. misery loves company. but as i listen to their problems and track back to how many times they have been whining about the same thing since forever, i realise that without our past mistakes and experiences they would have never learnt and grow from there. 

its common to hear people say these words of comfort 'all things happen for a reason' but we dont actually understand and be grateful for what happened before. like i know of this girl who fell out with all of her bitch girlfriends for this guy because one of them bitches decided to spread the word that she stole him from her. and this friend of mine was sad for a long time. but like the chinese say, if the old ones dont go the new ones wont come. im not saying friends are disposable and as long as better ones come along you kick aside your old friends. but if they turn their backs on you, dont even bother. and this girl is now happily with this other guy and has a ton of other new friends who are not so immature. and i'll bet that if she looks back at her life now she'll be grateful they fell out with her because if they didn't, she wouldn't have learnt the difference between true friends and those who are not. 

without your present you wouldn't have your future. its funny but i feel that i am right where i am supposed to be right now. i dont regret that i didn't go to a better university; i dont regret any of my past relationships; i dont regret spending my money frivolously; i dont regret falling out with any of my enemies. 

i could be a better person and i WILL be, in the future when i learn from other mistakes. its true that you are in control of your destiny and if you study hard and become a millionaire now you earned it. but if you dont and you choose a different path, dont worry. you would have your day in the sun if you choose wisely. there are no wrong choices, only choices that have not been made. and most importantly, dont be a pussy. be ready to face the consequences for whatever choice you make cos lets face it, karma can be and will be a bitch. 

okay im done with my pointless post. HAHA bye now. 

trollolololll. I will never understand why I'm not a people person. I don't believe that you can be anything you wanna be as long as you put your mind to it. No one can totally change their character just because they set their heart on it. Like Lady Gaga said, you were born this way.

hi all :)

thought i'd do a small update. 

i have an important interview tomorrow and if it goes well i will have a job on by wednesday. im pretty excited about it. i mean, i think this is it. and its for a well known MNC. so i guess god is really throwing me a lifeline here. although i will miss chilling at night and doing nothing all day, i'm actually really excited to start working and earn my own keeps. money is kinda the source of all my problems now so i think it'll be quite a relief for me. fingers crossed!

josh finally got an iPhone! it feels weird whatsapping him though. and he's constantly playing some stupid games on his phone. so i guess there's good and bad. 

i think im really lucky to have josh and g in my life. given that i am not an easy person to get along with and even my family hates me, i think those 2 have the tolerance level of a deity. 

my family comes in the form of friends. :)

wah i hate it when a conversation goes like this.

A: what you doing later? can i join?
Cherryl: oh probably playing mahj or suppering.
A: so boring. ok nevermind.

LIKE, IF YOU HAD SUCH BIG FUN PARTY PLANS OF YOUR OWN you wouldn't even be knocking at my door asking for my company right. cos the whole world knows cherryl lum doesn't club and drink. SO, IF I DON'T SAY THAT CLUBBING AND DRINKING IS LAME AND BORING please do not comment on my activities as well. thats like telling a chess club member that his activity is damn boring. omg i hope one day you learn to play mahj and when you have 3 players and you call me to be the last I WILL NOT ANSWER YOU.

man, i am so drunk on anger.

when i look back at my older posts i realised i used to put so much thought into all my entries. maybe at some point i found it pointless since maybe no one is even reading this right now hahaha. BUT for the sake of myself when i am older and wish to reminisce, i shall.

again, i come to this space exhausted. i've just been so inspired by all the pretty bedrooms that i've come across that i have been obsessed with changing my bedroom furniture and rearranging everything. so i just dismantled my bookshelf today and threw it out. i was really just giving myself space to throw a lot more rubbish around my room. i even through out my study table hahaahha people think im crazy, im just uncluttering my life.

chinese new year is like freaking next week you know. and my sister very kindly bought me a dress which i really liked teehee. but THATS ABOUT IT. i have yet to do my nails, go for facial, make spectacles, clear finish my room, slim down, dye my hair again, JUST SO MANY FREAKING THINGS LA. IM SO STRESSED.

oh and please stop asking me if i found a job hahaha. its bloody annoying. and the one and only reason why i have yet to settle for a job is because i am too picky. thats all. simple as that.

i guess there's some truth to the saying 'once bitten twice shy'. i have paranoia issues i swear. i keep thinking anyone walking behind me wants to attack me and then i'll start to panic and my hands get clammy and i almost feel like crying till i realise it was a false alarm. i can't make you understand how it feels but i wish you dont have to go through the same thing ever.

long day tomorrow. you guys are probably thinking that i still sleep all day and party all night. hahaha i dont ok. anyway good night.

hi there. past few weeks have been exhausting. i think this is the point in my life where i feel like letting everything go. there were just so many incidents over the past few weeks which made me see things so much clearer. i really just dont wanna think about it anymore.

hahahahhahahahaahaaha im just filled with so much hatred and anger now. as always.

no one is worth it. no one is worth this.

feels like a downpour.

hiiiiii. :)

my right eye is now WAY bigger than my left eye thanks to getting the sore eye.

anyway tomorrow is a very special day. it is my 2 years with joshy and its also the longest i've ever been in a relationship hehe.

i wanna go to a shooting range in mlysia so badly. i really wanna learn to shoot a real gun. :(

the sky looks really grey and its kinda putting me in a bad mood too.

HELLO! happy 2013!! i think its time for a first post!

haha this is actually my second post. my first post was really moody and grey and i just didn't want to start a new year sounding like that SO, here i am.

I HAVE A SORE EYE. im so annoyed because it may take away my double eye lid which i so painfully created for myself by religiously sticking double eye lid tapes for like a year. so FML luh. it hurts to even blink. which sucks even more because i have a habit of blinking everytime my eyes are dry which is like 24/7. GROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN.

im getting really antsy because i have yet to find a job. and its just that i have been set on finding this job which i believe i will find hahaha. maybe i am being too stubborn. i dont believe in doing something you dont like if you had the choice but maybe this is different? sighhh i dont know. so cross your fingers and pray for me!

sigh i know its not a good way to start the new year but i do feel like shit right now. hahahahahah okay bye.