So i was wondering why i always get so worked up when people ask me about my job. And i figured its because i don't like the feeling of losing. In fact i hate losing very very much. So i get annoyed because i hate describing my job and the pay i earn is obviously measly as compared to what i can achieve. Speaking of what i can achieve, i get even more annoyed because i am ALREADY so annoyed with myself that i can't seem to have the discipline to suck it up and stick to 1 job even if i hate it to the core. My self discipline is non existent. I KNOW that its a part time job and being paid like $6/hr is totally normal in Singapore but its not the best. People are working in KTV lounges for $10/hr but i would never do that because i always give myself excuses not to do something.
I would stop halfway and walk if i went jogging, so why bother? I have a Ju-on face and i cannot approach strangers so why bother continuing my retail job? I'm like the weirdest person ever. I would give myself 83048203482023 fucking excuses to PURSUE something, then i would again give myself 82048230482034802480248032 more excuses to QUIT what i started. I don't know if its because i lose interest easily in something or whatever reason but it brings about much self disappointment sometimes. Sometimes i stick to what i pursued for 4-5 days... and everyone who has had hope in me starts to think i'm picking myself up again... then BOOM i quit and its like dropping a bombshell on them.
So it all boils down to feeling like a loser because i can't seem to hang onto anything worth hanging onto. Plus i like being the best at something. Really, i do. I like having the best job. I like having the best results among my friends (hard work or no hard work). I love how i shove my face with food but i'm not obese yet. I love how i love something that no one else loves (my mice). I love how unique i am although it is to the point of obnoxiousness. I love how even the basics, like my name, is already different from everybody else. But unfortunately there are just some things that i can't conquer. For example if you ask me about my stamina i would gladly laugh along with you because i know from the bottom of my heart i can't run. But things like jobs, school results, relationships, money are things that i can be best at too. Yet its not happening because of the restrictions i set on myself therefore i feel EXTREMELY touchy when asked about these topics.
So JYJJ love, i hope this is a good enough explanation on why i flare up every time you talk about certain things. I'm sorry for my toxic attitude that i know have made you feel like shit and unappreciated time and time again. I promise, cross my heart and hope to die (though really, i hope to die all the time) that i will not flare up when unneccesary and don't be afraid to just say what you want to say okay? Meaning, you don't have to talk to me based on my mood or my restrictions i placed on you. I love you, you are really truly deserving to be my BGF and you are truly the only one i 100% feel this way about.
There, i think i've got it all figured out. For now.
On a totally unrelated note, the feeling of being liked is ALWAYS the best. wink.
Oh yes update for today (thursday). Met terry for Hotpot Culture at Marina Sqre. The food was actually pretty awesome and its just $13.80++ (in total it was about $16 each) for the all you can eat lunch buffet from 12-5pm. So the puzzling thing was that the place was pretty damn empty. But i swear that if you can ignore the slightly substandard service, you will have a good time shoving your face with food. Headed to town, shopped, then met samuel, terry's friend. Went Kbox where i had a good time laughing my ass off at terry then went to eat prata. Oh its not that i wasn't full from the buffet, i just vomited everything out a few hours later. BUT TERRY'S FINE SO ITS NOT THE FOOD!
I believe God makes you cross paths with people for a reason. Every single person you know now has altered your fate even though you can't see it. So if you are wondering why you have such family or friends or colleagues, just remember they have helped you in ways you could never imagine, literally. All the tears, the pain, the laughter, the fights - they were all worth something that helped you grow mentally and spiritually.
When you look back on your life, the bitches whom you can't see eye to eye with or who have forgotten you, have left you to understand which friendships are worth holding on to and that you shouldn't give your 100% to just anyone. The guardian angels who have been there but somehow, you just don't see them, help you to keep your child-like faith that's so badly needed in this world where you would like to believe there's still something good in everyone. The people who like you are there for 3 simple reasons, to help you gather some self confidence, to bring out the humanity in you so much so that you do not brutally tear their hearts apart but learn to let them down softly and lastly to show you what love is. Everyone is there to show you the meaning of something else. You just have to look hard enough to find it and find closure.
Friends never fail to ask me what is Love. Do you have a note book and a pen? Jot down every single thing daily that has been done for you out of love. When you are on your deathbed reading this notebook, that's when you will truly know what Love is.
p.s If you made it to the bottom and you carefully read what i wrote, thank you. It means a lot to me.
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