It's funny how I have a blog but no one really knows who I am.
laugh.

i think, i'm really lonely inside.

hihiii please visit jiawen's blogshop above and support pls! awesome accessories! click click click above!


:(( the stupid SIM invoice put very very clearly that my ER is a repeat subject. fuck sia i thought i can just hide it from my parents till i graduate. rahhhh. low morale now. fucking sian also. like forever making my parents unhappy ah. zz.

自责 自责 自责 自责 自责 自责自责 自责自责自责 自责 自责 自责.........

awww everytime i watch 13 going on 30 i cry. its undeniably my favourite movie ever.

sometimes i feel like there's nothing to live for. while everyone is bustling about with their lives i'm standing still. i'm the only one thats left who can see whats wrong with everything and yet i alone can't do anything to change it. like swimming, constant struggle shall only drown you in the end.

Britney's Femme Fatale album is starting to grow on me. pretty good in my opinion.

oh wow i haven't charged my itouch in like more than a week and its still full bar HAHAHAHA didn't know the batt could last so long.

i feel like these few days im just on autopilot and i don't remember much of the day or anything significant. anyway, i think yesterday (wed) was one of the days where i travelled a shitload and didn't cab at all. yay me. went to school (clementi) to get my enrollment shit done. then travelled to airport to meet jiawen for awhile while she was working. then travelled to josh's house to see him like for 2 hours cos he was having nights out. yep by the time i was home i just blacked out on my bed.

i was just thinking, there is something common among guys who've never had a girlfriend before. or you know, a proper serious adult long term relationship. being someone who has had her fair share of being a guys first girlfriend i noticed that they all have tend to treat their girlfriends like a princess. its not a bad thing for me duh, but its not good for them you know what i mean? they need to know that real relationships are not what they see on television, all rosy and happy and everyday is like anniversary day. its really sweet and all but just, unrealistic? i dont know. i know i sound like a party pooper here but i guess im just more towards reality. i have my fairytale dreams but i dont ever expect them to come true.

putting eyeliner at the bottom of your eyes is an awesome way to stop yourself from crying. we dont want black streaks down our face now do we?

Note to self: do not get too attached to anyone because they are all going to leave one day.

okay im tired and im having a headache, yet i can't sleep. super annoyed right now because i'm hungry too. its not like i didn't try, i went to sleep at 1plus and here i am now. it annoys me even more that i have no snacks at home. pfffft.

anyway i don't know why people think its lame to blog. maybe because i have so many thoughts that i would just implode and die if i didn't release some of them somewhere. blogging has changed since secondary school. people dont give a play by play of their lives anymore, its kinda more like just a place for you to be a little more pensive and reflect on your life as it passes? i dont know. but blogging is definitely not lame.

i think its bad enough that im not doing something that im interested in and this degree will follow me for life uh. then i'll spend my entire life doing something i hate uh. nevermind, will make the best out of it. sigh, spent my whole life being a nobody. when will i be a somebodyyyyyyyy. i try not to let failure affect me but i can't uh. im easily swayed and right now i really believe my failure is going to affect me. ugh, nevermind. i need to start hanging out with people with goals in their life who can inspire me. mm. im barely halfway through my life. i will get somewhere. yup i will.

TIME TO BUCK UP.

how do we deal with criticism? i guess sometimes we just get angry when people are spot on with whatever they are criticizing us with. my take is that we just don't care for criticisms that we are already aware of. sometimes there are just certain topics that are taboo. one of them for me, is studies. and i know people are supposed to want to do better when they are looked down on for something but not me. criticisms just bring me down further until i give up. so if you wanna see me fail in life, please, go ahead and keep talking about how stupid i am and what a failure i am.

i guess thats why sometimes friends are better. because they dont invade into these private spaces that are inside the corners of your mind. just tucked away because you are ashamed of the fact that you couldn't achieve what you wanted to. but i guess life isn't always a bed of roses and people who are closer to you are there to remind you and wake you up to reality.

i dont know which to be thankful for. but it doesnt change the fact that it annoys the shit out of me when people talk about such topics. i need to convince myself that people are just doing it for my own good and not judging or anything.

aiya everything is just fucked up now. super unhappy with my life. dont even feel like meeting with anyone but if i dont then maybe i will really lose all my friends so, bo bian.

sometimes i like to push people away and see if they come back. i believe that if someone really regards you as a friend of importance they will keep coming back. i do it to everyone. i push everyone away at some point. just that sometimes, they dont come back and i have to go chasing after them because im scared to lose them too. fail. maybe i should stop doing that. because i really believe that if you love someone, you will break through all the walls to get to them. you wont give up even if they push you away. its a simple concept but not many people understand it. im getting tired of explaining myself. guess i shall just go with the flow, have no stand or takes on how i should be treated. because people just dont understand. im tired.


I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don’t believe it makes me real
I’d thought it’d be easy
But no on believes me
I meant all the things that I said

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don’t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it’s so crazy that nothing could save me
But it’s the only thing that I have

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own
-sum41, pieces

a song that always speaks to me.


its just one of those days where i just wanna lie on my bed and watch the world go by. just wanna feel what its like to be dead. to leave the worries to someone else. just cry it out. cry it out.

after today, i conclude that there is absolutely nothing to be thankful for in my life.

You know what Napoleon gave Josephine as a wedding present?
It was a gold locket & on the inside he made an inscription:
Destiny.

-The Terminal

its a beautiful show people, i swear.