hmm don't know how to describe what i'm feeling now. i'm rarely at a loss for words. well, on the comp at least. lotsa thoughts going on in my mind.

when i was younger my dad used to tell me to treasure the time i had with the family because when we grow older we would all be caught up with our own lives and stuff. honestly i used to think it was bullshit. i used to think that if were living under the same roof how can it be that we would drift right?

but now i know that its true. i fucking miss my family. i fucking miss the times we would jog together, when my dad would bring us cycling, when we would go for high tea at hotels, when we would take a long ride to jurong to fetch my mom then eat together, when my sis and i would fight over the stupid crossword book, when we would catch spiders in our house and set them free in jurong, when my dad would fetch us from school and take us to lunch, when my sis and i would play with our chicken rice, when my parents would go play jackpot at safra and my sis and i would go fun dazzle and play with balls, when i would sit behind my dad and watch him play PS2 or diablo, when my dad taught us squash and badminton, when we would huddle round the TV together and watch huan zhu ge ge,

when i was so fucking unappreciative of the time we had together, always wanting my fucking freedom. always showing a fucking black face for all the family outings. im so fucked up.

thus im fucking protective of my family. i dont like the feeling of someone else taking them away. thats why i always try to block out all outsiders. but now i know i cant do that. things are bound to change, i can't preserve things even though i want to. its like i would want something new to happen for myself but im too afraid of taking the chance to be serious with anyone. it's bound to jeopardize my relationship with my family. i dont think this is coming out right but i can't think of any other way to put it. i just dont want things to change. i wish i was still 12.

i dont know why when i look back on my life with my family yes, i feel happy that we have done so many things together but i feel equally fucked up for not savoring every moment of it. when i look back all i see are regrets of what could have been done better. i'm so afraid of whats to come. can the clock stop ticking? can God take me first before any of them? i dont wanna have to deal with it.

i have a big problem dealing with loss.


.......im not even half done with the other stuff thats on my mind.