Closure

So I'm on MC today and everyone else is up to their necks with their own relationships/projects/work. And as my music echoes through the house which is about to be smothered by raindrops, I think of you. And my heart aches. Aches at the irony that we really are better off as friends. I know that you probably do not come to this space any more because you have so much pent up resentment. You gave me all you had, literally and I gave you all my love. We were too in love to realise where it was headed and I will not make that mistake again.

I'm not reminiscing - I'm holding on to some qualities and values that I want in a man. The qualities that you had but as fate had to have it, we were really not meant to be. We were too similar for our own good. We both had big dreams - which we used to belittle each other. We both felt like we were giving our 120% but it was never enough because only 10% of that was what we expected of each other. Of course it wasn't enough. That really brings meaning to the phrase 'Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.'

We were too quick witted for each other. You countered all my quick remarks (like Taylor Swift sang) but no matter how good we were at that, we were never that good at damage control. We loved hard but fought harder. For every bright light in our relationship; there were 10 more shadows to bring us both down. It didn't matter that no one saw what I saw in you. A man with big dreams both for yourself and for me to live comfortably, a man who didn't let people bring him down and takes criticism as space to improve (too good to be true but it is). A man who wouldn't settle for less.

But that's all.

I will not love the same way again. I will love differently and throw away my fear of change.

Goodbye my love.

nothing gold can stay

i don't know why but i tend to fuck up everything thats good in my life. my overly cynical character makes me suspicious of any good thing that comes along my way. i cant blame it on experience; i can only blame myself for letting it affect my outlook on people who truly care. 

someday i'll be cured. 

I have an attitude even my mother can't love.