Being a very emotional person I think I've felt almost all the negative emotions in the world and really, heart ache is the worst of all. I don't know how we got here but I'm still trying. Are you? Impatience and frustration seem to be clouding your emotions nowadays. whatever happened to the person I once knew at the start? the one who would tolerate anything. Was it all an act? I'm not even sure.

Feel like I'm just floating around in this world. Souless. Aimless. No real place to go, to return to. Going according to everyone's plans. No opinion of my own. Or rather, no will to voice them out. Pointless. Feel weak. Feel like breaking down. I was never one who could act happy when I'm not. And so, I would never act unhappy when I'm not either. Most of the times I feel nothing. Blank. Feel like a pushover at times. Feel like everything i have to apologize for things that I didn't do wrong. Not because I want to, or feel like I have to for any reason. Just because I am a blank soul who goes with the flow. Like following a life's manual, next step: apologize. And there you go.

It's a sad way to carry on with life but it'll just have to do.

i think im the type of person who shouldn't be allowed to have friends or family. because i am such a jinx that i think i bring bad luck to everyone around me. im serious. and i cause people to get into trouble because of my own irresponsibility. yea the list goes on. i dont deserve anyone.

i'm thankful for the way i was brought up.

omggggggggggggggggggggg i miss the bloody holidays so much. sooooooooo much. sooooooooo much. soooooooo much. im a whiny angsty bitch now. every morning i go to school and whine to sam hahahaha. DAMN TIRED. DAMN SAD. still must do assignments. knnbccb!!!! where is the justice!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! i wanna rewind to 2 weeks back and let my life stop there. RIGHT THERE. in the holidays. ghaweoifhnwieo fnwoeif jwieofoiewfjweoifjoiwejfowocnwfeoiwe932rh230thg23ghnwoenvoewfj3o2ihr9h32goiewnvoineovenvevneovnoiernvo

sigh. okay. snap fingers. back to reality.

Top 10 lies men tell:
10: sorry, my phone died
9: she's just a friend
8: i'm fine!
7: hey, you look nice
6: which girl? i didnt notice
5: i'll be rdy in 5 mins
4: im out with the boys
3: can't talk, im in a meeting/busy
2: im on the way!
1: i never lie

LOOOL from herworld magazine. i think 5 is more for girls but the rest, yep. HAHAHAAH JOSHUA WE ALWAYS ARGUE ABOUT NUMBER 6 HAHAHAHAA damn funny.

baby told me that he loves me and he swears on the moon and the stars.
to me, love is like the moon. it doesnt show its true self everyday. then once a month on a special day like an anniversary or something, it becomes full and glowing. its not a signal that love is the strongest then. its just that on that day people do things in a full blown manner to let the other person know that they love them. and every other day even during an eclipse, you may think that the love is not there anymore. but what you can't see doesn't mean its not there.

i know to josh its just a song he heard on the radio hahahaahahahaha confirm. yup but baby this is what it means to me.

feelings of loss, despair.
too familiar.
so tired of becoming frustrated and not being able to do anything about it but cry.
the feeling that your chest is collapsing and you are gasping for all the air you can get when you are trying to stop the tears from falling. a million 'why's and 'how did it end up this way' swirling in your head.

you know you've lost the battle when the first tear falls.

i just realised that it doesn't matter if you say sorry first after an argument. cos no matter who apologises first the other party will surely feel a sense of achievement and some what subconsciously feel that they are right. thus, everything you screamed to them during the argument which you sincerely hope they change and do something about it just goes to waste. cos you lost and they won. its all just a game isnt it. there will always be a loser and a winner.

well and if you don't apologise then you are the bitch who refuse to let the argument die down. either way you're screwed. its just short term or long term.

im pathetic. i can't control my own emotions.

i can't believe i have to go back to school tomorrow and start doing all those shit assignments that i know nothing about, all over again. damn fucked up ah. no mood, dont even wanna stay in bed all day cos its so bloody hot. and i'll probably be changing my sheets once a week not once in two weeks cos of all the sweat. gross? yea. my house has no ventilation whatsoever.

oh boy, what a bad start to the first day of school. totally blaming myself too cos if i didn't fail i would be starting school next week. fml much srsly. and there are s many things i wanna do but money is such a mofo prob nowadays. bloody stressed. FMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFML K BYE.

happy half year baby. i guess its true that time flies when you're having fun :)

"Dr Marti Olsen Laney, author of The Introvert Advantage found that introverts get their energy from their own selves. Like their emotions, ideas and impressions of the world around them. In other words, talking to someone about their problems only works if you're an extroverted person. For introverts, Laney argues that the best thing you can offer is silence to give her the chance to process her thoughts."

-Cleo, July issue

LOL SEE JOSH ITS BAD (for me) IF I TELL YOU EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME.

oh something else.

"When men are feeling down, they don't tell each other "Whats going on bro? Go ahead and cry." They head to a pub to watch soccer. It might seem cold but what it tells the other person is that when you're ready to talk, im here to listen."

so true. i hate it when people force me to tell them whats wrong. if i wanna say, I WILL.

Pandora
by Micha F. Lindemans

In Greek mythology, Pandora was the first woman on earth. Zeus ordered Hephaestus, the god of craftsmanship, to create her and he did, using water and earth. The gods endowed her with many talents; Aphrodite gave her beauty, Apollo music, Hermes persuasion, and so forth. Hence her name: Pandora, "all-gifted".

When Prometheus stole fire from heaven, Zeus took vengeance by presenting Pandora to Epimetheus, Prometheus' brother. With her, Pandora had a jar which she was not to open under any circumstance. Impelled by her natural curiosity, Pandora opened the jar, and all evil contained escaped and spread over the earth. She hastened to close the lid, but the whole contents of the jar had escaped, except for one thing which lay at the bottom, and that was Hope.

SUPER interesting haha. no wonder girls like to cry. made of earth and water lmao. and and girls have EVERYTHING. haha like all the talents.

ya but apparently girls cause alot of trouble --

-i was actually rudely interrupted at this point by a small black jumping spider. you know, the ones that you can never catch with a tissue cos they will jump and you'll be like "homg (run for cover)" so i drowned it in deodorant and water then slammed an old magazine on it. WHOSE JUMPING NOW YOU EIGHT (i actually typed EGG, lol, proof reading ftw) LEGGED FREAK.-

anyway, girls cause alot of trouble -mostly self inflicted-, then start crying in despair cos pandora, being a bitch, left Hope in her stupid box. HAHA SO COOL. i love mythologies.

went for facial w cheryl just now! ya, 10 hours ago and my face is still like, blotchy red leh. damn sad ah. cheryl's was like clear after 30mins -_- i think my blood circulation not good, SAD FACEEEEEEEE. anw finally intro josh to her haha.

oh fuck i just checked my timetable for next sem and 90% of my lessons are 830am lessons. omfg omfg omfg omfg i think of squeezing on the mother f* MRT all the way to dover i really wanna cry. fucking no mood sia. i was gonna say i wish i was working but if im working i may have to reach earlier sometimes and i can't even be late so NO I TAKE IT ALL BACK.

fml ):

i guess a lot of people don't understand when i tell them about how bad my day was when i have a fight with well, them. last friday i had a fight with them and on saturday there was this dinner with everyone else. i waited and waited the whole day for them to call me and tell me the details of the dinner. time, venue, whether im turning up, etc. but nothing. you might say they were punishing me for the fight on friday but it was more than that to me.

i felt like i was not wanted anywhere. trust me, i am not inflicting this pain onto myself. it just comes. and they won't hear me out. they will never apologise for something that was obviously their fault and irresponsibility. its been like that my whole life. dont get me wrong, its not the apology im looking for. its the acceptance. they may think its not a big deal that they did not inform me of the details and stuff. but i just suffered yet another blow from their negligence. emotional negligence.

i still well up everytime i think about it. which is why i like to put eyeliner on my bottom lid. to force myself to keep the tears in. its hard to explain the pain in my heart. that's why when people ask me about it i can only say i dont want to talk about it. because i dont know how to and when i do, it always sounds a lot less serious than it is. you will never understand how i felt when i walked into the restaurant that day and saw them sitting together, looking perfect, without me. you seriously cannot imagine the hurt. and there's no use talking to them. because all i have to say is either 'rude' or 'useless'. my whole life i've been trained to shut the fuck up and this is why i only pen down my thoughts and why i am referred to as many of my friends as a 'mute'. because my whole life, i have been watching quietly from the outside, having no say. its become a habit. but its good i guess. cos it stops me from screaming shut the fuck up bitch to everyone that pisses me off.

i too, will never understand why they so gladly accept her him but not my him. stereotyping was never something i liked doing. which is why i never ever ever judge a book by its cover. its the heart that matters to me. not money, not their prospects (for now). yea, maybe im so pathetic that i feel close to anything that can give me emotional assurance. because i am so fucking in need of it.

don't tell me im lucky i even have them. i rather not have them and live the rest of my life not knowing how good it could have been than to have them and know that its never gonna get any better.

i dreamt that i was eating a banana and halfway through i looked down and the banana was like black in the middle. then i turned around and asked josh if the banana is spoilt and he said yes and i bent over and vomited and vomited over and over and over again.

i have bad dreams.

give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take.


and most importantly, find that moment of peace.

i never used to think of myself this way but now i think i am ready to admit that i do bear grudges. and some for a very long time. most, maybe.

anyway, dont really know whats the whole hype about xiaxue's post on 'Trust'. like duh, you don't trust ANYONE totally right. i'm not agreeing with her, im just saying its a matter of fact that everyone keeps a little something to themselves. duh. i mean sometimes i dont tell joshua what i'm doing and who i'm texting not because i dont trust him but believe me, i find it utterly ridiculous to give him a play by play of my life. seriously, who makes their other half do that anyway? i know, a alot of people. self check please, your partner is not your puppet which you control with strings.

i still take my stand that i do not like josh to check my phone and so, i will not check his either. privacy. super important to me. i know that when my mom clears my room for me once in a blue moon, she goes through all my stuff. and a part of me hates it cos there are so many things lying around that if i wanted to show her, we would have been best friends already. so i strongly believe that privacy comes first. despite what people say, "if he has nothing to hide he won't be so pissed w me checking his phone/stuff". BULLSHIT, I SAY. slap yourself in the face people. you DARE tell me SERIOUSLY that when your partner checks your phone, there even isn't this TINY, TINY, TINY bit of unwillingness in you? despite you telling your friends that its mutual and you dont mind? i dont believe. everyone wants to have a part of them that they can keep to themselves that's why no one is really willing to open up to just anyone that they meet or let anyone go through their things for the sake of it.

and if its about cheating then i think its all in perspective. like, believe it or not, i trust that joshua will never ever cheat on me. no matter how jiawen insists that all men cheat hahaha. i said this before sometime back, but people only get suspicious of people when they themselves are doing the same thing. and more often than other its true. if you talk to other guys behind your bf's back (guys that your bf stated very clearly that he does not like you talking to them), then you are bound to suspect your bf of talking to girls that you don't like, thus checking his phone and in turn making him want to check yours. mutual irritation. if you backstab your friend, you will be wondering what she's saying behind your back too. i guess its like karma. you are the one who did something bad first, and in the end you suffer.

anyway. this is not a topic on trust so please dont tell me it has no link whatsoever. just thinking of the small things we put our partners through when i believe most of the time we are just thinking too much. if you believe that your death has been predestined, then please also believe that everything that happens in your life has already been planned, written and read a thousand times by the big guy up there.


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ehh,i blog alot so i will push up your ad jiawen hahahahaha.