every night without fail, i put on a different sad song and really listen to the words and at the end of it all i just stare into space and ask myself what i am doing with my life. then i browse through facebook and blogs and see the happy faces of everyone in local universities and overseas trips and all and again i stare into space and wonder if that could have been me. ya its like party rock anthem everyday im shuffling but instead, everyday im questioning.

i know its no way to be happy but i think it has become a sick sick sickness as i am constantly trapped in the past. thinking of how i could have written a better history for myself. i knw right. crazy. why not deal with the present so that i can change my future. well, i dont bloody well know. i need help. i dont know where to get it from. every window is closing on me. its funny how the only people who will listen are those who actually can't do shit to help. not saying it out of ungratefulness though. im thankful there are people who are willing to listen to me talk shit though i believe they have no idea what im talking about sometimes.

blah blah blah constant struggle.

i think that i just have to come to terms that in my life i am never going to be 100% happy about anything. because everything is conflicting. i cannot pinpoint a single part of my life that i am even remotely satisfied with, let alone happy.

sometimes i have this strong blind rage and immense hatred for everybody. like now. feeling like a monster. i scare myself when i hear the echo of my screams in my ears. (though, since i do it in a pillow the echo is minimal). don't understand why life has to be so hard though. the people i love the most don't trust and understand me at all. they refuse to listen too. im a good person. i dont deserve all this.

i wish i was never born. seriously. i don't believe i was put on this earth for a reason. oh wait, thats right. it must be - to be miserable. maybe i stay out late every night hoping that something would happen to me and i would be one of those dead bodies you find in bedok reservoir or at the istana. wondering when it will be my turn. afterall, the pain of dying will definitely last shorter than being miserable your whole life.

i know i wont be missed though. the only thing people are going to miss, or rather, regret is all the effort they have put into helping to form my life for the past 21 years. so good bye. i'll fade slowly into the past and soon become only a part of your memories.

OMG HIIIIIIIIIII. first time in the history of my life i am so busy that i couldn't even find time to blog. really leh!!! anyway im done with my assignment which is due tmr aka a few hours time, and jiawen's bday. so now all thats left this week is joshy's bday. busy busy busy. ahhh nothing much going on in my life right now besides school. actually have la but can't type here also so. hahaahah. okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk im going to sleep now. god forbid i oversleep tomorrow. whoohoo! night!

p.s omg i think this period has proven that my mood is majorly affected by stress. cos im like damn high and happy now hahahaahhahhaa okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk BYE

i realised i don't mind going to lecture alone actually. totally 100% okay with it. cos if you sit with friends you're never gonna be able to listen to the lecturer properly cos of all the chatter and sometimes that just irritates me. i think i'll do fine on my own in life.

yea i think im really not a people person. i even hate group projects cos you have to work with others. ah well.