everytime i see my mice yawn i feel like im the happiest girl on earth hehehehe.

i can't sleep because the house is fucking quiet.
can't sleep w/o my family ):

its amazing how one small thing can spoil your whole day. furthermore its not even like the person knows that they spoilt your mood. oh wait, does the person even know you exist. fuck. im trying so hard to leave everything behind me but its not working. how did i manage to always leave the past behind? takes more than will power in my opinion. maybe if the person dies and burns in hell then i will forget them. PLEASE DIE OR MAKE YOUR ALRDY BURNT FRIEND DIE.

yes yes i know i promised alot of people to live happier. now that i am home alone i really want to hang myself or something. now i know why people like to commit suicide. whoever said commiting suicide doesnt end misery? stupid or what. dying ends EVERYTHING.

well anyway. big shout out to tiff joyce and hejun. had lots of fun with you guys yesterday. thanks for making me forget for a night. l4d was good. for every zombie that i killed i was picturing it to be people that i hate.

i just really need to vent it out now cos i think my friends are sick of hearing me complain about the same thing over and over and OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. ..................................................................................................................................
.........................................................................................................................................................
..............................................................................................................................................

im so speechless.

now i realise im not lacking anything. im not unhappy with anything thats missing in my life, well except for happiness. im just unhappy. unhappy to the CORE. DEEP INSIDE SUCH THAT IT CAN'T BE CURED OKAY. SO DONT TELL ME TO LIVE HAPPIER ITS USELESS. why am i even bothering to show people that i am happy. just let me wallow in my unhappiness and may my soul be dispersed in bits and pieces to all parts of the world.

HELLO

you know, when i ask myself why im so mean to some people. i actually don't have an answer.
i guess its just like that. once you dont like a certain point of someone, even though it may not be a crucial point, you just start treating them like shit. i mean, im no angel you know.

anyway i hate going to school now. its such an eye sore to see things that i really dont want to see. pure hatred. thats what im feeling now. how can people be so nice one minute and like a few days later they totally just start regarding you as a stranger. really a stranger. we've come to the point that we don't even greet each other, we just walk away. walking away. thats what i've been doing from all my problems so far. but they always come chasing.

on a lighter note, freeeeeeeeeeedom! :D

you probably meant it as a joke. probably. but do you know how many times you've stabbed me in the heart? over and over and over and over. must you be so brutal? yea, you can't find a way into a person's life when they just don't leave a door open for you. not even a hole. you are one reason, among many, why i feel like i'm worthless.

the voice screaming inside me is worthless. the tears in the form of blood bleeding slowly from my heart are worthless. drop by drop, dripping me dry of any signs of life. my dead eyes are worthless. even the words i say to redeem myself are worthless. this worthless soul of mine is dead because of you.

Don't regret a single moment of your life because at that one point of time, it was exactly what you wanted.

I'm giving it one last try :)

sometimes i really sit and wonder what im doing with my life. but to no avail. i'll never find the answer.

anyway i really wanna visit the various famous landscapes and mountains around the world. yup. truly my dream. but the biggest is definitely experiencing autumn in switz.

I look down on all girls who cannot live a day without their boyfriends. That includes my friends.

If i give you my heart, would you just play the part?
Or tell me its the start of something beautiful..

I hope I don't ever wake after tonight.
Even if I do, I hope I'll sleep forever soon. Very soon.

"When a blacksmith wants to make his favourite tool he would have to throw the metal into the furnace. Just like that, I would make her mine even if i have to throw her into a furnace"

"Her heart that loves someone else won't melt even if you throw it into the fire"

what a bad time to get hooked onto a korean drama.

HAHAHAHA ever wondered whats going on in the minds of lovers?
example A falls sick then B would be like, "oh please look after yourself properly and get well soon!!.................." then actually the continuation in B's mind is like "otherwise i would have to waste money to buy food then take a cab down to your stupid house to make you feel better........."

HA.

Notice how there is always an upside and downside to every single thing we do.

i have so many regrets i dont even know which one i regret the most.

WALAU PLEASE LOR. since day one you always had a way to twist and turn the story to make it seem like you are damn logical and you are right. but im not stupid to that extent. you can twist and turn the words all you want but i know what the hell you are implying ok. im not angry really. just really shocked at how immature and judgmental you are. like since the issue with your friend i alrdy thought you were damn judgmental and i dont even know why i bother trying to keep you as a friend. dont worry, what i owe you i will repay. then we wont have anything to do with each other anymore.

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo i dont wanna start on projjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjssssssss

nfciowncioewnef09h43g0hbvigvoenvevoin9h3084r3mr3t0fh3gh3hg93hg93hgpq3hgff0we

fuck

goodbye.

what do you do when you wanna talk to a person but you cant!?!?!?!?!?
i know this will pass. i know this will pass. i know this will pass. i know this will pass. like all other good things in my life.


anyway Donnie Yen so cute ah. HAHAHAH oozing with charisma.

hmm don't know how to describe what i'm feeling now. i'm rarely at a loss for words. well, on the comp at least. lotsa thoughts going on in my mind.

when i was younger my dad used to tell me to treasure the time i had with the family because when we grow older we would all be caught up with our own lives and stuff. honestly i used to think it was bullshit. i used to think that if were living under the same roof how can it be that we would drift right?

but now i know that its true. i fucking miss my family. i fucking miss the times we would jog together, when my dad would bring us cycling, when we would go for high tea at hotels, when we would take a long ride to jurong to fetch my mom then eat together, when my sis and i would fight over the stupid crossword book, when we would catch spiders in our house and set them free in jurong, when my dad would fetch us from school and take us to lunch, when my sis and i would play with our chicken rice, when my parents would go play jackpot at safra and my sis and i would go fun dazzle and play with balls, when i would sit behind my dad and watch him play PS2 or diablo, when my dad taught us squash and badminton, when we would huddle round the TV together and watch huan zhu ge ge,

when i was so fucking unappreciative of the time we had together, always wanting my fucking freedom. always showing a fucking black face for all the family outings. im so fucked up.

thus im fucking protective of my family. i dont like the feeling of someone else taking them away. thats why i always try to block out all outsiders. but now i know i cant do that. things are bound to change, i can't preserve things even though i want to. its like i would want something new to happen for myself but im too afraid of taking the chance to be serious with anyone. it's bound to jeopardize my relationship with my family. i dont think this is coming out right but i can't think of any other way to put it. i just dont want things to change. i wish i was still 12.

i dont know why when i look back on my life with my family yes, i feel happy that we have done so many things together but i feel equally fucked up for not savoring every moment of it. when i look back all i see are regrets of what could have been done better. i'm so afraid of whats to come. can the clock stop ticking? can God take me first before any of them? i dont wanna have to deal with it.

i have a big problem dealing with loss.


.......im not even half done with the other stuff thats on my mind.

its weird that im talking to my mice right. hahaha i feel like people are only listening cos they have to. okay i dont know if my mice really wanna hear me mumble in their ears hahaha at least they love me right. i dont know what it is but i seriously need to do something so extreme to get my mind off stuff i dont dont dont dont dont dont wanna think about. racing games help. that's what i figured out today. love racing games ttm. just wanna destroy everything in my way. yea thats pretty much how i feel everytime i feel emo. auto destructive mode. no i seriously wanna scream and punch anything in the way. but thats not feasible right -_- hahaha

so i just shut the fuck up and stare into space.


i have this really sick and cruel wish but everyday im still hoping it'll come true. haha yes, this is probably the only thing NONE of my friends and family know about. none. god please make it happen.

ITS HERE. those feelings are here again. i like to tell myself i only have these feelings because i'm bored. it's been a long time since i pursued, not give up. or maybe i'm still caught up in the past. i dont know. nevermind, keep telling myself im not worth it then i wont do anything.

I just wanna sit and stare at the wall all day.

its still happy cherryl week by the way.
i hope all of cherryl's friends are happy.

半岛铁盒

I was on the bus to school and jay chou's 半岛铁盒 was on repeat. Surprisingly I was feeling down but what's more surprising is that i wasn't sad for myself.

I got to know the song from a friend while we were singing at Kbox. Initially I didn't think much about it but as I listened to the lyrics it dawned on me that it described his life w his ex. It wasn't so much pity but more of empathy. I guess. Many of you know who I am talking about..

My only wish this year is probably for him to find happiness but it's not happening. I would give anything for him to reconcile or wtv w his ex. Anything to see him smile from the heart.

I personally hate it when people are not happy yet they pretend that they are，thats why I would rather not smile at all when I an happy because I don't like to put up a front.

I feel like I'm in the pits yet it's not even my problem to deal with.

I would give anything.

HAVE I MENTIONED THAT MY BODY CLOCK IS SCREWED UP REALLY BADLY.

i hate tossing and turning and not falling asleep!! ):

nomore happy cherryl week

I am emo gal because my sister don't wanna go cut hair with me today.

I am going to stop being an emo bitch because there are enough emo bitches for vultures to feed on till the year 3000. though sometimes i really think i've mastered the art of true emoing because i actually have nothing to be emo about HAHAHAHA. i have no boyfriend to break my heart, my family is crazy fun, i have awesome friends maybe just one or two that went astray. if i think about it i should be one of the happiest people around. I always tell people to dwell on what they have and not what they dont hahaha maybe i should finally apply that to my own life. yes, i never ever practice what i preach. oops. okay but happy doesnt mean less bitterness and cynicism okay HAHAHA.

anyway people always say that the stronger person is the one able to let go of his hatred. and i know its true because i've tried it. it takes SO much more than just giving in and scolding the person. i do like a challenge. but as the saying goes, forgive your enemies cos nothing annoys them more than that. its happy cherryl week!

i have school at 12!! yes and i can't sleep ): my body clock is still screwed up from the holidays. HAHAHAAH i just disturbed dilys on msn. omg im actually quite looking forward to the class gathering hahaha. bloody long since i saw dilys!!! okay im going to read some stuff online. BYE!!

I'm in a good mood because i won all my bets today hehehe. helped me to cover all my losses -_- yay! okay. interesting matches tomorrow! anyway. i know i said this a million times but my mice are really the cutest pieces of rodents on this earth. the way the climb the cage and peek at me through the bars. really i wanna kiss them awwwww! they make me smile every single day (:

Series of events made me realise i really just wanna be alone for now. i used to love the drama of BGR. the chase, the thrill. now it all just seems so alien to me. words. how promising can words be? aren't they all just a gimmick to get someone to trust you then after that you can manipulate them as you wish? i seriously HATE sweet talk to the core. im so immuned to it i swear to god i feel NOTHING when someone says those words to me. i don't even know why people get into a relationship at my age haha! what are you hoping to get out of it? some company when you're lonely? some attention? call me a non believer because i am. i just dont see this relationship thingy working out for me anytime in near future.

its too tiring. constantly thinking of how to please them. what to wear. how to mix well with their friends. how to bewitch them. their expectations your expectations. maybe im the only one whose tired of relationships because im the only one constantly worried about these when im in one. or am i? i can give you a politically correct definition of how relationships are supposed to be your second home. where you can be yourself. you know that's not true. be it 1 year or 5 years you still hope that when you see your partner you will WOW them with your new hairstyle or perfume or something. sigh what for.

maybe its just me. maybe i just haven't found someone i can totally be myself around. someone who doesnt mind a moodswinging crazy bitch TRUST ME THERE ARE FEWER GUYS THAN YOU THINK WHO LIKE SUCH GIRLS. maybe its coming. i just need to believe. keep believing and hoping that true love will knock on my door. i should give true love my address again.

i know i can sometimes be very bitter about my close friends getting attached. im not sure of the psychological reason behind it yet. ok its definitely not because i want everyone to be alone like me okay hahahahahha. then again.. could it be that i am really just selfish and as long as i am not happy i dont wanna see others happy? this is really messing with my mind. one of the reasons is that i've been through quite abit of shit and i really dont want all of you to go through the same thing. especially when you come and tell me whats wrong i really dont wish to see you in that kind of state. like Bullet for my Valentine sang, "If its supposed to be like this, why do most of us ignore the chance to miss?" yet, i am forcing my beliefs on you. yup. i admit im wrong. from now on i'll leave out my beliefs.

anyway i saw this totally cute waiter at Hillman just now HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

i'm in like the worst mood ever. im hungry but there's nothing to eat at home that i haven't already stuffed myself with over the past few days so im kinda not in the mood to eat any of that. i can go on and on about how upset i am about being broke and having no food but i guess i wont.

I'm still hoping that good things will happen to me.

Contrary to what people say, i think that appearing offline is NOT stupid.

I'm with you

I'm standing on the bridge, I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now.
There's nothing but the rain, No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound.