omgggggg primeval (original) is like a mother nice show. sigh sigh!! i pray season 6 comes out! i have been doing nothing but watching shows all day hahaha. okay gonna get back to it.

HELLOOOOOOOO HELLOOOOOO HELLOOOOOOOO

i am super hyper and happy now because i just got my final results and they are gooooooooood. hehehe. i may not be that dumb afterall! haha okay who am i kidding. i still believe paper qualifications mean nothing haha. look at how many successful people out there without degrees. some of them probably didn't have the money to study but look whose the one needing the degrees now.

okay but on more bumming news, i am not going for a holiday or whatever. in fact my parents have already started asking me to look for a job like, 2 weeks ago. hahaha. im looking im looking. whatever happened to work-life balance though?

super happy that both my friends made it!! will be seeing each other on graduation day whoots! ^^V

:)

Hello!

I am so exhausted. I've been thinking REALLY hard about my career path and I've decided that it will not be in private banking/wealth management. (Even though when I research on the salaries I am like T_T because it is hell lot) I just couldn't bring myself to pretend that I am interested in banking or anything remotely related to it. Seriously, the moment someone mentions the words 'interest rates', 'coupon rates', 'bonds', 'floating markets', etc - my brain immediately goes ZZZZZZZ. No joke. By the way, I just randomly through in some financial terms which I'm pretty sure are from the same chapter because I can't remember anything else hahaha.

SO, I have decided to pursue a career in either hospitality or human resources or marketing. Or HR/Mkting in hospitality. I've applied for a few jobs -fingers crossed- but I'm keeping my options though. I mean, lets be practical. I can't say for sure that I will NEVER make the effort to read up on finance if I absolutely have to, but I can say for sure that I am a 'Money over Interest' person. hahahaha.

I went for this job survey focus group once and there were these girls that were like, 'Oh, money doesn't matter at all, I want a job that makes a difference - like charity work'. And call me a bitch but that whole time I was just thinking of how naive those people were. Money is not everything but without money you can't achieve anything. How to pay for a degree when you don't have money? How to ensure your own 3 meals a day when you're a charity worker? How to start your own business? I don't know when I became such a superficial and materialistic person, but reality bites. I want to be rich. I want to be financially independent. I want to be so rich that my eyes will literally have the dollar sign because I am so rich that i custom made my own contact lenses.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Hi there.

My black gerbil had some red liquid in his eyes today and I thought it was blood. Even though I read on the internet that gerbil tears are red and that its probably irritated with something in its environment my heart still ached. I stopped whatever I was doing and cleaned their cage but its still tearing. I'll go to the vet tomorrow if it doesn't stop. Sigh. I tried to wipe its tears away and it really freaked me out when the whole tissue was red. Super upset.

On top of that, I've been feeling pretty bummed out because I applied for several banks and got rejected by 2 already. Please don't ask me about it; I probably won't want to talk about it. Now I know why I was told to work hard when I was young. Another sigh. We all have big dreams but I don't think I'm going to be able to live mine. Everyone is on the road to success and I can't seem to start my engine.

I looked at other options. Like being a copywriter or going into marketing/HR. It scared me - how little I knew about the industries. How ill-prepared I was to take this step into society. You're probably thinking 'Whiny bitch, if you don't know something then go read up.' Well firstly, you're a bitch too. And I did try but financial industries and world news just doesn't pique my interest at all. I think I'm only feeling so shitty because I feel like I am stuck with doing finance, which I hate through and through. I can't seem to find the requirements for other jobs though. Singapore is so focused on the financial/banking industry that anything remotely related to Arts just doesn't cut it. I AM GOING CRAZY. AND MY PARENTS ARE NOT GIVING ME A BREAK EITHER. It's been like, a week since I ended my exams? Its not their fault that they are so clueless about what I'm feeling though. Maybe one day I'll actually feel like they care enough to listen to my opinions and insecurities instead of blindly pushing me to find a job. Then I'll tell them.

Feeling really irritated lately. I think its due to my inferiority complex. So I feel the need to assert my 'authority' over anyone that I am able to do so. Not feeling any better though. I still feel like the whole world owes me something. I don't know where to begin to start feeling better and its starting to annoy everyone around me. Seriously, its for the better that I'm alone.

Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY jie and liangyu.

I had a rockin' time last night. Met up with the S/Cheryls and had an awesome dinner at Poulet. Shy Sher introduced us to shy Jo. hehe. They are super cute together. :)

I feel extremely stressed now because I can't go through life doing finance. I know nothing about the financial industry and markets. I practically have zero knowledge on finance too. I want to because of the money but I really can't. Tried to read some business magazine just now and I almost fell asleep already.

I feel sad that I am so clueless in life and no one is able to give me a direction.

so i just found some stuff on this computer which i never meant to chance upon. you are such a snitch you know? i have never once complained to them about you being rude to me or whatever. you'll see when you get to heaven. ask God. my conscience is clear. you know why? because while you drown them with your whining, i get to drown in the background. i hope you're happy though. cos when you're happy, they're happy. and i can get some peace cos no one will be asking me about you.

i pray that God shows all of you what you've put me through.
i also pray that all of you go to heaven, and that i go to hell. so i dont have to see your faces for eternity.

nobody said life was gonna be fair. im thankful for the material goods i have, but im gonna have to look else where for emotional support.
after all, when life gives you lemons, say no thank you.

hello! today wasn't much better. but that's alright. i've decided to just keep it all inside me and implode when i can't take it anymore. i sincerely hope my heart bursts from my insides and rupture all my vital organs at the same time.

went to the dentist today! i haven't gone there in years, literally. anyhoooo, now i know why i hate going so much.

firstly, EVERY SERVICE of dentistry is overpriced. i spent $400 today. yes, four fucking hundred. all i did were 2 fillings, albeit for the front row of my teeth. and i didn't want the filling turning yellow months down the road so i opted for the more expensive bonding. but STILL. FOUR HUNDRED LEH. if im not wrong that's like half the price of braces? i don't know. i should have just broke all my teeth in secondary school and went to the National Dental Center to get dentures cos im sure you know that as long as you are in a government school all your dental services at NDC are free. damn.

secondly, i hate that they tug at my mouth and thus stretch my lips to its maximum limit. i swear if i open any bigger my lips will just tear apart and bleed profusely. ok im not exaggerating. i have extremely dry lips which i just LOVE to peel so i can't stretch them (or put lipstick). cos if i do they are bound to split. ouch.

anyway i appreciate that he gave me a fucking painful injection to numb the whole area but i walked out of there looking like an idiot i swear. my lips were drooping to one side. and i had absolutely zero control. so i took a cab to josh's place :( what a waste of money. i hate taking cabs when i have a straight bus and plenty of time to kill. anyway if i could go back and say one thing to my dentist today it would be, 'LIAR'. i ended at 5. he told me the numbness would be gone in half and hour. it was numb till freaking 9pm leh. 9PM LEH IS IT HE GAVE ME 100$ WORTH OF ANESTHESIA THATS WHY SO EXPENSIVE. i couldn't even drink my bubble tea la the pearls kept dropping out HAHAHAHAHA WHY GOD WHY. 

okay im damn free now, as i am everyday, thats why i still blog religiously. i think i will still blog when i have kids. then i will bitch about the fact that my child is a girl and now i have to spend thousands of dollars on sanitary pads for her - plus the fact that i will be the one shopping for them. tears.

haha bye.

today i had a meltdown. as much as i do not want to care i really cant ignore it. its a lesson i have to learn from the way everyone treats me in life. i've been taking these lessons for years but i have yet to graduate.

i try and try to get into people's good books but i need to understand that if i were never a page to begin with, i can't. i can do all the shit in the world but i will not get recognition or gratitude. all i get is more nagging. all they can see are flaws. no one looks at effort. no one. of course, being a 22 year old near adult, i am not going to sulk over it. neither am i going to demand that they see through my invisibility. all i can do is have a good tear bath and face them like nothing ever happened. after all, thats what i am to people. just a rock with no emotions.


on a lighter note, the heavens must have sensed my despair towards myself and the people in my life and thus, let me win mahjong today :) it is by far the luckiest day of all my mahjong days. hehe. :)

joshy and i are going to start running tomorrow! so excited for us both to lose weight :)
dental tomorrow at 230! will some kind soul please call me at 130 if you can hahaha. i doubt i can wake up in time.

better days will come.
im surprised at how easily i let things go nowadays. must be growing up. hm.

today, i realised i am damn ugly. i found my SDcards for my old phones and took a look on my comp. i was hideous, still am and always will be.

its probably karma for being an insensitive, lying bitch my whole life. i haven't felt this way in a long time. i mean, i do complain about stuff now and then but its been really long since i hated myself badly. i hate being me.

i hate how everything i touch just burns and dies.
i hate how people can't accept me.
i hate how short my temper is.
i hate how i make people hate me.
i hate how im so devoid of emotions.
i hate how i can't keep happiness in my heart for more than 10minutes.
i hate how i can't smile.
i hate how i am so critical of everything.
i hate that im full of hatred.

i fucking hate me. and i don't blame you if you do too.

i had a random thought just now, while josh was driving recklessly as usual. JOKING. anyway, would it be better if during an accident, you scream or you keep quiet? okay the whole idea is whether your mouth would be shut or open. cos if your mouth were shut there would be a high chance that you bite your lip or tongue right? but if it were open stuff could fly in :/ or your lips could tear right from the sides and you would look like the joker. ugh okay gross.

anyway, since everyone in the world seems to be so busy except me, i couldn't get anyone to play mahjong with me :( everyone's timetable is opposite of mine :( SO ANYWAY, i decided to go feed stray dogs again hahaha. becoming lesser and lesser though :( think people are catching them or whatever. finally found a pack at the end of the road. im not gonna say where in case some motherfuckers go catch them. THEY ARE SOOO ADORABLE. didn't buy enough food though, didn't expect that there would be so many dogs at the end. cos usually its like 2 by 2 only. heart ache man. wanna take all of them home.

someday.

oh right. i ordered pastamania! food makes me so happy. i was so bummed when ECP's burger king was closed for the night. sigh. i know im tempting fate with the amount of food that i eat but oh well, if i die tmr it wouldn't matter hahaha. hats off to the chef!

i need to get my act together man. :/

i've said this about 4 times in my life already - HAPPY GRADUATION TO MEEE! provided i don't fail any subjects this last semester. -crosses fingers-

as usual, after every exam, i feel completely bored out of my guts. there are only so many new episodes to watch every week :(

sigh humans, wanting what we can't have.

I always thought that i was strong enough to hate. But it turns out im not. i derive my happiness from making others happy so i cant hate - i would be miserable. i have been miserable for a long time now. but its time to let bygones be bygones.

so joshy has a wedding dinner tonight and im gonna study overnight so we decided to celebrate yesterday. :)

so much love.

we got a little hitchhiker!

creatures of the night show

when you see it

fucking cute. buy me a pet raccoon please

the stupid tram was like so fast i cldnt even take a picture of all the animals hahaha

my surprise at lucien's place!

 hahaha lucien prepared for a photo any day

the only day geok lets me touch her HAHA

geok 'dont purposely hide and act like you damn small pls'

my 2nd bf

twins

thank you baby for planning everything for me! and thank you bros for being there :)
dinner with the family later! 

Are you a person who only looks at end results or are you someone
who looks at the effort put it?

I think its really shallow if you're someone who only looks at end results. Because you neglect all the effort put in into achieving it. For example, if someone gets you a gift and you don't like it, chances are you will smile and say thank you. But if inside you are thinking of how shitty your present is instead of how much effort was put in to finding it then you are someone who just looks at end results.

Im not sure which i am. i appreciate effort but i have the impression that when someone buys you a gift, they just picked it off the shelf conveniently. they didnt put in the effort to make sure the present is suitable for you.

maybe i have trust issues. I always think that people's concern is fake. And everytime they talk to me, they have a motive or are being sarcastic. So i dont really trust what people say unless i know you are an extremely honest friend.

sigh.