HOMG I'm so excited for tomorrow!!

I want to let go. I wish I could.

So I'm not sure if I'm just fickle like that or if this is called being open to new experiences. 

You know how sometimes you don't contact someone for more than a year and sooner or later they become like one of the old things you throw out from your room because you don't use them anymore. That sorta thing. Not throw out, in this case of course, just give up on the r/s. But as you know, my friends are really the second most important thing in my life, like a second family. So everytime I 'reconnect' with one of them it gives me this flicker of hope that things might go back to the way they used to. 

Maybe not the way they used to, but you get the gist. Not the awkward conversations and catching up but more of comfort and saying whatever the hell you want. I know I think too much and everyone nowadays don't really think of such stuff anymore haha. Anyway the point is, I was happy to be given the chance to talk to an old friend today and I really miss when it was just me and her against the world in the past. 

Well, I'm as bad at saying I miss you as i am at saying goodbye so -shuffle feet awkwardly- I miss you tiffanie and all the dumb shit we used to do together. 

Sigh, I don't know why I feel like shit all the time. I'm so sick of feeling like shit. I can't seem to find that place inside me where I am happy with what I have. I just keep wanting and wanting. I'm so sick of not being good enough. I need to work myself to death to be good enough. I'm going to work myself to death to be good enough.

I feel that the best 'conversations' are those which you need not speak yet every word you wish to say can be heard.

I actually have a lot of posts that I didn't have the discipline to finish so I'm gonna try and finish this one.

I've come to realise that I am rather obsessive. and for this I actually think Whatsapp is a very very bad app for obsessive people because you are able to check when the person was last online and recently I get annoyed when people are online but don't reply. It's kinda consuming me so I think I'll try and stop.

Oh anyway I got a job like 2 weeks ago. Ohyea my first step into my successful career in a bank haha. Let me just make it clear that the process of looking for a part time job and a full time job are completely different. And people often like to compare which really really annoys me. I'd say that I'm satisfied with what I got because I have been diligently looking since last December without any help from anyone. Yep, no referrals. And being very sentimental I'm actually going to miss the entire process of reading up on all the companies to prep for the interviews, listing out possible qsts and answers, finding the right clothes for interviews, etc. But I guess what I miss the most is the thrill of being shortlisted for an interview that you really want. And this is the fine line between part time and full time jobs I guess. I believe your first job is extremely important to building a bridge to your dream career. I have friends who actually told me to just take any random admin job to get by first but I guess it wasn't in my plan to do so.

Another fine line is between the money and what you actually are good at. I'm glad I found a balance between the two for my first job. Bear in mind, what you're good at may not be your interest and you may not be good at what you're interested in. So, some things to think about.

Really excited to start work although I don't show it cos everyone around me seems to be having their own problems and all. Sometimes I think as we grow older there's no one left to genuine listen to your concerns. Everyone just wants a chance to say what's on their mind. So if you have any such friends left, do hang on to them. Cos people do get tired of listening, despite what they may tell you.


Goodnight!