it feels good to get everything off my chest after so long. i feel like i've been just living a lie for so long, trying to be something im not by hiding what i think. but its all better now. :)

well exams are coming up and so is my birthday haha. pretty excited. anyway im not gonna put a wishlist because honestly i have not bought my friends presents either because im so broke and 21st presents are really expensive. so i dont want it to be a 1 way thing so im not putting up a wishlist which means for my bitches whom i did not give a present to please do not bother to get me anything, really!

still thinking how im gonna celebrate in the midst of my exams. hmm.

ughhhhhhhhhhhh unhappy.

i have this constant pain in my head and when bright lights (like cars) shine into my eyes my head feels like its going to explode with pain. thats just great. now strong sunlight hurts me and night lights hurt me too. oh well. everyday i just feel like lying in my bed all day long doing nothing like good old times. yea i dont actually care that people around me are moving and i am lying on my bed being stagnant. i just feel like there is nothing worth me fighting for right now. yawn. cant wait for the holidays. gonna sleep my ass off day in day out.

Well then, don't ask me what I'm feeling or thinking when you don't really give a damn.

well everytime i come back to this page i stare of into space for a few minutes then backspace everything and go watch a comedy. how in the good Lord's name did i manage to blog 4-5 times a day. its funny that i had well, more close friends back then but i blogged like a thousand times a week. and now as im growing up i just say what i wanna say to people that have remained in my life.

**the next paragraph is not directed at people who have actually been abused by their partners of some sort but to normal teenagers who were like born, what, yesterday?*

anyway i just HAVE to comment on people who post on fb that they're 'AFRAID TO GET HURT AGAIN' hence single. or tell everyone so that everyone thinks they have been abused or whatever by their boyfriends. gee girls, you are like what, 5 years old? and you talk like you've had 10 relationships of which none of them worked out because all of them dumped your sorry ass for some other girl or whatever reason that makes you so 'AFRAID TO GET HURT AGAIN'. what is this shit. we are young independent women who should never feel like they can't live without a male. or female, your choice. well the point is, YOU'RE WEAK. and if youre waiting for some fucking prince charming to sweep you off your feet and heal you from your wounds and finally propose to you then you can crush that little dream of yours because there is no romeo and you are no juliet. we live in the real world where, at 21 years old, people still date for fun and getting dumped shouldn't mean you have to hide in the darkest corner of your room and count the minutes without him in your life. wow, even saying that last sentence makes me angry.

you know, we've all had our fair share of dickheads (figuratively) and as teenagers we've all had our hearts broken but isnt it all part of the whole dating experience? so what if you gave him alot of things you shouldn't have? all the better, you've kept your end of the relationship agreement. by breaking down its like saying 'IF LIFE THROWS ME A LEMON, IM GONNA SUCK ON IT BECAUSE MY SENSES ARE NUMB FROM THE TEARS THAT I'VE CRIED FOR HIM, MAYBE I'LL RUB THE LEMON ON MY EYES AND CRY SOMEMORE.' wow, i am good. well BULLSHIT. omg im sorry but i can't stand girls who are weak and cry over shit. i really just wanna slap them all. if you're just gonna be so weak then you're just gonna be stepped over your whole life ok? well guess what, the world doesnt need you so get back in the dark corner of your room and suck on that lemon.

COME ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN I JUST WANT FEMALES TO BE MORE INDEPENDENT AND BE THE MAN FOR ONCE IN THE RELATIONSHIP. yea, if you think about it. women are heavily compromised in all areas. geez. getting all worked up now. but off topic. so girls, get your groove on please. go kick some male butt. AND DONT TELL ME LOVE SHOULD BE UNCONDITIONAL GIVING IN AND NO EXPECTATIONS. LEAVE THAT BULLSHIT FOR YOUR DREAMS.

p.s its not that im having side effects from all my failed relationships. im just growing up, bitch. oh and its for girls who feel like their world no longer exists after a breakup, not for couples who are happy :)

i can't take a pussy guy so if youre one would you kindly not step on the ground that i am walking on? you're doing a great job btw josh. you know when to give in and when not to. well, most times anyway ;)

headed to bkk in november btw! pretty excited because its actually my first official trip overseas with friends only (not counting perth in p6 cos there were teachers). and for those of you who know me, i am actually pretty protected so hence, the very first time. all smiles!

school is ending in 4 days. triple all smiles. then it'll be exams on 31st oct, 2nd nov and 5th nov. then thats it! thats the end of my school term. super happy. though, i do have exams on my birthday ITSELF so its a real downer cos i can't exactly have a party since i have exams before, after and on the day itself. heaven must be pleased at its cruel joke.

so anyway. have been really sick lately too. well, figuratively i guess. or not. i dont know. but i have been throwing up a shitload of food for weeks now. yea, so everything i eat i just throw up most of it after that. some days im good though, like today :D what irritates me most is that i spent a shitload of money on the food i eat because, well, i love the sight and taste of good food per se, but not so much when they're all in small chunky bits in my sink eh.

yup. thats all thats been up with me lately.

i fucking hate investment and finance and any subject related. fucking lame. and i just found out i have exam on my birthday. fucking stupid also. damn dulan now. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck my life!

I WANT A REAL 1960S RETRO THEMED PARTY SO BADLY.

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past can be undone

But we carry on our backs the burden time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything, I've held so dear

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up better
I should know
So don't come 'round here
And tell me I told you so
-Sarah McLachlan, Fallen

every night without fail, i put on a different sad song and really listen to the words and at the end of it all i just stare into space and ask myself what i am doing with my life. then i browse through facebook and blogs and see the happy faces of everyone in local universities and overseas trips and all and again i stare into space and wonder if that could have been me. ya its like party rock anthem everyday im shuffling but instead, everyday im questioning.

i know its no way to be happy but i think it has become a sick sick sickness as i am constantly trapped in the past. thinking of how i could have written a better history for myself. i knw right. crazy. why not deal with the present so that i can change my future. well, i dont bloody well know. i need help. i dont know where to get it from. every window is closing on me. its funny how the only people who will listen are those who actually can't do shit to help. not saying it out of ungratefulness though. im thankful there are people who are willing to listen to me talk shit though i believe they have no idea what im talking about sometimes.

blah blah blah constant struggle.

i think that i just have to come to terms that in my life i am never going to be 100% happy about anything. because everything is conflicting. i cannot pinpoint a single part of my life that i am even remotely satisfied with, let alone happy.

sometimes i have this strong blind rage and immense hatred for everybody. like now. feeling like a monster. i scare myself when i hear the echo of my screams in my ears. (though, since i do it in a pillow the echo is minimal). don't understand why life has to be so hard though. the people i love the most don't trust and understand me at all. they refuse to listen too. im a good person. i dont deserve all this.

i wish i was never born. seriously. i don't believe i was put on this earth for a reason. oh wait, thats right. it must be - to be miserable. maybe i stay out late every night hoping that something would happen to me and i would be one of those dead bodies you find in bedok reservoir or at the istana. wondering when it will be my turn. afterall, the pain of dying will definitely last shorter than being miserable your whole life.

i know i wont be missed though. the only thing people are going to miss, or rather, regret is all the effort they have put into helping to form my life for the past 21 years. so good bye. i'll fade slowly into the past and soon become only a part of your memories.

OMG HIIIIIIIIIII. first time in the history of my life i am so busy that i couldn't even find time to blog. really leh!!! anyway im done with my assignment which is due tmr aka a few hours time, and jiawen's bday. so now all thats left this week is joshy's bday. busy busy busy. ahhh nothing much going on in my life right now besides school. actually have la but can't type here also so. hahaahah. okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk im going to sleep now. god forbid i oversleep tomorrow. whoohoo! night!

p.s omg i think this period has proven that my mood is majorly affected by stress. cos im like damn high and happy now hahahaahhahhaa okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk BYE

i realised i don't mind going to lecture alone actually. totally 100% okay with it. cos if you sit with friends you're never gonna be able to listen to the lecturer properly cos of all the chatter and sometimes that just irritates me. i think i'll do fine on my own in life.

yea i think im really not a people person. i even hate group projects cos you have to work with others. ah well.

Being a very emotional person I think I've felt almost all the negative emotions in the world and really, heart ache is the worst of all. I don't know how we got here but I'm still trying. Are you? Impatience and frustration seem to be clouding your emotions nowadays. whatever happened to the person I once knew at the start? the one who would tolerate anything. Was it all an act? I'm not even sure.

Feel like I'm just floating around in this world. Souless. Aimless. No real place to go, to return to. Going according to everyone's plans. No opinion of my own. Or rather, no will to voice them out. Pointless. Feel weak. Feel like breaking down. I was never one who could act happy when I'm not. And so, I would never act unhappy when I'm not either. Most of the times I feel nothing. Blank. Feel like a pushover at times. Feel like everything i have to apologize for things that I didn't do wrong. Not because I want to, or feel like I have to for any reason. Just because I am a blank soul who goes with the flow. Like following a life's manual, next step: apologize. And there you go.

It's a sad way to carry on with life but it'll just have to do.

i think im the type of person who shouldn't be allowed to have friends or family. because i am such a jinx that i think i bring bad luck to everyone around me. im serious. and i cause people to get into trouble because of my own irresponsibility. yea the list goes on. i dont deserve anyone.

i'm thankful for the way i was brought up.

omggggggggggggggggggggg i miss the bloody holidays so much. sooooooooo much. sooooooooo much. soooooooo much. im a whiny angsty bitch now. every morning i go to school and whine to sam hahahaha. DAMN TIRED. DAMN SAD. still must do assignments. knnbccb!!!! where is the justice!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! i wanna rewind to 2 weeks back and let my life stop there. RIGHT THERE. in the holidays. ghaweoifhnwieo fnwoeif jwieofoiewfjweoifjoiwejfowocnwfeoiwe932rh230thg23ghnwoenvoewfj3o2ihr9h32goiewnvoineovenvevneovnoiernvo

sigh. okay. snap fingers. back to reality.

Top 10 lies men tell:
10: sorry, my phone died
9: she's just a friend
8: i'm fine!
7: hey, you look nice
6: which girl? i didnt notice
5: i'll be rdy in 5 mins
4: im out with the boys
3: can't talk, im in a meeting/busy
2: im on the way!
1: i never lie

LOOOL from herworld magazine. i think 5 is more for girls but the rest, yep. HAHAHAAH JOSHUA WE ALWAYS ARGUE ABOUT NUMBER 6 HAHAHAHAA damn funny.

baby told me that he loves me and he swears on the moon and the stars.
to me, love is like the moon. it doesnt show its true self everyday. then once a month on a special day like an anniversary or something, it becomes full and glowing. its not a signal that love is the strongest then. its just that on that day people do things in a full blown manner to let the other person know that they love them. and every other day even during an eclipse, you may think that the love is not there anymore. but what you can't see doesn't mean its not there.

i know to josh its just a song he heard on the radio hahahaahahahaha confirm. yup but baby this is what it means to me.

feelings of loss, despair.
too familiar.
so tired of becoming frustrated and not being able to do anything about it but cry.
the feeling that your chest is collapsing and you are gasping for all the air you can get when you are trying to stop the tears from falling. a million 'why's and 'how did it end up this way' swirling in your head.

you know you've lost the battle when the first tear falls.

i just realised that it doesn't matter if you say sorry first after an argument. cos no matter who apologises first the other party will surely feel a sense of achievement and some what subconsciously feel that they are right. thus, everything you screamed to them during the argument which you sincerely hope they change and do something about it just goes to waste. cos you lost and they won. its all just a game isnt it. there will always be a loser and a winner.

well and if you don't apologise then you are the bitch who refuse to let the argument die down. either way you're screwed. its just short term or long term.

im pathetic. i can't control my own emotions.

i can't believe i have to go back to school tomorrow and start doing all those shit assignments that i know nothing about, all over again. damn fucked up ah. no mood, dont even wanna stay in bed all day cos its so bloody hot. and i'll probably be changing my sheets once a week not once in two weeks cos of all the sweat. gross? yea. my house has no ventilation whatsoever.

oh boy, what a bad start to the first day of school. totally blaming myself too cos if i didn't fail i would be starting school next week. fml much srsly. and there are s many things i wanna do but money is such a mofo prob nowadays. bloody stressed. FMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFML K BYE.

happy half year baby. i guess its true that time flies when you're having fun :)

"Dr Marti Olsen Laney, author of The Introvert Advantage found that introverts get their energy from their own selves. Like their emotions, ideas and impressions of the world around them. In other words, talking to someone about their problems only works if you're an extroverted person. For introverts, Laney argues that the best thing you can offer is silence to give her the chance to process her thoughts."

-Cleo, July issue

LOL SEE JOSH ITS BAD (for me) IF I TELL YOU EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME.

oh something else.

"When men are feeling down, they don't tell each other "Whats going on bro? Go ahead and cry." They head to a pub to watch soccer. It might seem cold but what it tells the other person is that when you're ready to talk, im here to listen."

so true. i hate it when people force me to tell them whats wrong. if i wanna say, I WILL.

Pandora
by Micha F. Lindemans

In Greek mythology, Pandora was the first woman on earth. Zeus ordered Hephaestus, the god of craftsmanship, to create her and he did, using water and earth. The gods endowed her with many talents; Aphrodite gave her beauty, Apollo music, Hermes persuasion, and so forth. Hence her name: Pandora, "all-gifted".

When Prometheus stole fire from heaven, Zeus took vengeance by presenting Pandora to Epimetheus, Prometheus' brother. With her, Pandora had a jar which she was not to open under any circumstance. Impelled by her natural curiosity, Pandora opened the jar, and all evil contained escaped and spread over the earth. She hastened to close the lid, but the whole contents of the jar had escaped, except for one thing which lay at the bottom, and that was Hope.

SUPER interesting haha. no wonder girls like to cry. made of earth and water lmao. and and girls have EVERYTHING. haha like all the talents.

ya but apparently girls cause alot of trouble --

-i was actually rudely interrupted at this point by a small black jumping spider. you know, the ones that you can never catch with a tissue cos they will jump and you'll be like "homg (run for cover)" so i drowned it in deodorant and water then slammed an old magazine on it. WHOSE JUMPING NOW YOU EIGHT (i actually typed EGG, lol, proof reading ftw) LEGGED FREAK.-

anyway, girls cause alot of trouble -mostly self inflicted-, then start crying in despair cos pandora, being a bitch, left Hope in her stupid box. HAHA SO COOL. i love mythologies.

went for facial w cheryl just now! ya, 10 hours ago and my face is still like, blotchy red leh. damn sad ah. cheryl's was like clear after 30mins -_- i think my blood circulation not good, SAD FACEEEEEEEE. anw finally intro josh to her haha.

oh fuck i just checked my timetable for next sem and 90% of my lessons are 830am lessons. omfg omfg omfg omfg i think of squeezing on the mother f* MRT all the way to dover i really wanna cry. fucking no mood sia. i was gonna say i wish i was working but if im working i may have to reach earlier sometimes and i can't even be late so NO I TAKE IT ALL BACK.

fml ):

i guess a lot of people don't understand when i tell them about how bad my day was when i have a fight with well, them. last friday i had a fight with them and on saturday there was this dinner with everyone else. i waited and waited the whole day for them to call me and tell me the details of the dinner. time, venue, whether im turning up, etc. but nothing. you might say they were punishing me for the fight on friday but it was more than that to me.

i felt like i was not wanted anywhere. trust me, i am not inflicting this pain onto myself. it just comes. and they won't hear me out. they will never apologise for something that was obviously their fault and irresponsibility. its been like that my whole life. dont get me wrong, its not the apology im looking for. its the acceptance. they may think its not a big deal that they did not inform me of the details and stuff. but i just suffered yet another blow from their negligence. emotional negligence.

i still well up everytime i think about it. which is why i like to put eyeliner on my bottom lid. to force myself to keep the tears in. its hard to explain the pain in my heart. that's why when people ask me about it i can only say i dont want to talk about it. because i dont know how to and when i do, it always sounds a lot less serious than it is. you will never understand how i felt when i walked into the restaurant that day and saw them sitting together, looking perfect, without me. you seriously cannot imagine the hurt. and there's no use talking to them. because all i have to say is either 'rude' or 'useless'. my whole life i've been trained to shut the fuck up and this is why i only pen down my thoughts and why i am referred to as many of my friends as a 'mute'. because my whole life, i have been watching quietly from the outside, having no say. its become a habit. but its good i guess. cos it stops me from screaming shut the fuck up bitch to everyone that pisses me off.

i too, will never understand why they so gladly accept her him but not my him. stereotyping was never something i liked doing. which is why i never ever ever judge a book by its cover. its the heart that matters to me. not money, not their prospects (for now). yea, maybe im so pathetic that i feel close to anything that can give me emotional assurance. because i am so fucking in need of it.

don't tell me im lucky i even have them. i rather not have them and live the rest of my life not knowing how good it could have been than to have them and know that its never gonna get any better.

i dreamt that i was eating a banana and halfway through i looked down and the banana was like black in the middle. then i turned around and asked josh if the banana is spoilt and he said yes and i bent over and vomited and vomited over and over and over again.

i have bad dreams.

give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take.


and most importantly, find that moment of peace.

i never used to think of myself this way but now i think i am ready to admit that i do bear grudges. and some for a very long time. most, maybe.

anyway, dont really know whats the whole hype about xiaxue's post on 'Trust'. like duh, you don't trust ANYONE totally right. i'm not agreeing with her, im just saying its a matter of fact that everyone keeps a little something to themselves. duh. i mean sometimes i dont tell joshua what i'm doing and who i'm texting not because i dont trust him but believe me, i find it utterly ridiculous to give him a play by play of my life. seriously, who makes their other half do that anyway? i know, a alot of people. self check please, your partner is not your puppet which you control with strings.

i still take my stand that i do not like josh to check my phone and so, i will not check his either. privacy. super important to me. i know that when my mom clears my room for me once in a blue moon, she goes through all my stuff. and a part of me hates it cos there are so many things lying around that if i wanted to show her, we would have been best friends already. so i strongly believe that privacy comes first. despite what people say, "if he has nothing to hide he won't be so pissed w me checking his phone/stuff". BULLSHIT, I SAY. slap yourself in the face people. you DARE tell me SERIOUSLY that when your partner checks your phone, there even isn't this TINY, TINY, TINY bit of unwillingness in you? despite you telling your friends that its mutual and you dont mind? i dont believe. everyone wants to have a part of them that they can keep to themselves that's why no one is really willing to open up to just anyone that they meet or let anyone go through their things for the sake of it.

and if its about cheating then i think its all in perspective. like, believe it or not, i trust that joshua will never ever cheat on me. no matter how jiawen insists that all men cheat hahaha. i said this before sometime back, but people only get suspicious of people when they themselves are doing the same thing. and more often than other its true. if you talk to other guys behind your bf's back (guys that your bf stated very clearly that he does not like you talking to them), then you are bound to suspect your bf of talking to girls that you don't like, thus checking his phone and in turn making him want to check yours. mutual irritation. if you backstab your friend, you will be wondering what she's saying behind your back too. i guess its like karma. you are the one who did something bad first, and in the end you suffer.

anyway. this is not a topic on trust so please dont tell me it has no link whatsoever. just thinking of the small things we put our partners through when i believe most of the time we are just thinking too much. if you believe that your death has been predestined, then please also believe that everything that happens in your life has already been planned, written and read a thousand times by the big guy up there.


ANYWAY, VISIT &SUPPORT JIAWEN'S BLOGSHOP K?



ehh,i blog alot so i will push up your ad jiawen hahahahaha.

It's funny how I have a blog but no one really knows who I am.
laugh.

i think, i'm really lonely inside.

hihiii please visit jiawen's blogshop above and support pls! awesome accessories! click click click above!


:(( the stupid SIM invoice put very very clearly that my ER is a repeat subject. fuck sia i thought i can just hide it from my parents till i graduate. rahhhh. low morale now. fucking sian also. like forever making my parents unhappy ah. zz.

自责 自责 自责 自责 自责 自责自责 自责自责自责 自责 自责 自责.........

awww everytime i watch 13 going on 30 i cry. its undeniably my favourite movie ever.

sometimes i feel like there's nothing to live for. while everyone is bustling about with their lives i'm standing still. i'm the only one thats left who can see whats wrong with everything and yet i alone can't do anything to change it. like swimming, constant struggle shall only drown you in the end.

Britney's Femme Fatale album is starting to grow on me. pretty good in my opinion.

oh wow i haven't charged my itouch in like more than a week and its still full bar HAHAHAHA didn't know the batt could last so long.

i feel like these few days im just on autopilot and i don't remember much of the day or anything significant. anyway, i think yesterday (wed) was one of the days where i travelled a shitload and didn't cab at all. yay me. went to school (clementi) to get my enrollment shit done. then travelled to airport to meet jiawen for awhile while she was working. then travelled to josh's house to see him like for 2 hours cos he was having nights out. yep by the time i was home i just blacked out on my bed.

i was just thinking, there is something common among guys who've never had a girlfriend before. or you know, a proper serious adult long term relationship. being someone who has had her fair share of being a guys first girlfriend i noticed that they all have tend to treat their girlfriends like a princess. its not a bad thing for me duh, but its not good for them you know what i mean? they need to know that real relationships are not what they see on television, all rosy and happy and everyday is like anniversary day. its really sweet and all but just, unrealistic? i dont know. i know i sound like a party pooper here but i guess im just more towards reality. i have my fairytale dreams but i dont ever expect them to come true.

putting eyeliner at the bottom of your eyes is an awesome way to stop yourself from crying. we dont want black streaks down our face now do we?

Note to self: do not get too attached to anyone because they are all going to leave one day.

okay im tired and im having a headache, yet i can't sleep. super annoyed right now because i'm hungry too. its not like i didn't try, i went to sleep at 1plus and here i am now. it annoys me even more that i have no snacks at home. pfffft.

anyway i don't know why people think its lame to blog. maybe because i have so many thoughts that i would just implode and die if i didn't release some of them somewhere. blogging has changed since secondary school. people dont give a play by play of their lives anymore, its kinda more like just a place for you to be a little more pensive and reflect on your life as it passes? i dont know. but blogging is definitely not lame.

i think its bad enough that im not doing something that im interested in and this degree will follow me for life uh. then i'll spend my entire life doing something i hate uh. nevermind, will make the best out of it. sigh, spent my whole life being a nobody. when will i be a somebodyyyyyyyy. i try not to let failure affect me but i can't uh. im easily swayed and right now i really believe my failure is going to affect me. ugh, nevermind. i need to start hanging out with people with goals in their life who can inspire me. mm. im barely halfway through my life. i will get somewhere. yup i will.

TIME TO BUCK UP.

how do we deal with criticism? i guess sometimes we just get angry when people are spot on with whatever they are criticizing us with. my take is that we just don't care for criticisms that we are already aware of. sometimes there are just certain topics that are taboo. one of them for me, is studies. and i know people are supposed to want to do better when they are looked down on for something but not me. criticisms just bring me down further until i give up. so if you wanna see me fail in life, please, go ahead and keep talking about how stupid i am and what a failure i am.

i guess thats why sometimes friends are better. because they dont invade into these private spaces that are inside the corners of your mind. just tucked away because you are ashamed of the fact that you couldn't achieve what you wanted to. but i guess life isn't always a bed of roses and people who are closer to you are there to remind you and wake you up to reality.

i dont know which to be thankful for. but it doesnt change the fact that it annoys the shit out of me when people talk about such topics. i need to convince myself that people are just doing it for my own good and not judging or anything.

aiya everything is just fucked up now. super unhappy with my life. dont even feel like meeting with anyone but if i dont then maybe i will really lose all my friends so, bo bian.

sometimes i like to push people away and see if they come back. i believe that if someone really regards you as a friend of importance they will keep coming back. i do it to everyone. i push everyone away at some point. just that sometimes, they dont come back and i have to go chasing after them because im scared to lose them too. fail. maybe i should stop doing that. because i really believe that if you love someone, you will break through all the walls to get to them. you wont give up even if they push you away. its a simple concept but not many people understand it. im getting tired of explaining myself. guess i shall just go with the flow, have no stand or takes on how i should be treated. because people just dont understand. im tired.


I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don’t believe it makes me real
I’d thought it’d be easy
But no on believes me
I meant all the things that I said

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don’t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it’s so crazy that nothing could save me
But it’s the only thing that I have

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own
-sum41, pieces

a song that always speaks to me.


its just one of those days where i just wanna lie on my bed and watch the world go by. just wanna feel what its like to be dead. to leave the worries to someone else. just cry it out. cry it out.

after today, i conclude that there is absolutely nothing to be thankful for in my life.

You know what Napoleon gave Josephine as a wedding present?
It was a gold locket & on the inside he made an inscription:
Destiny.

-The Terminal

its a beautiful show people, i swear.

im officially love sick. i think singapore should be one of those countries where its so safe we don't even need NS men to protect our country. naw, im just saying that. ughhghhghghghghghghghghgghhhhhhhhh. i miss joshua. sad face.

just came home from hejun's party. happy 21st hejun!! makes me wonder about my 21st. one thing for sure i'm not even gonna bother inviting some no-show people. and i so dont want it to be awkward cos i knowwwww how that feels. hm, just rly close friends i guess. thank god all my friends are sociable and pretty much know each other. phew.

anyway so joshua and i had a debate about whether we would throw away our ex's stuff. i stood by no and he stood by yes. simply put, i would never throw away my memories. you wouldnt, no? but he thinks that if i read the letters and see the stuff that my ex gave me i would compare this r/s to that and pick on the little things. its not like that for me. i'm not talking about extreme situations like the room still being filled with the ex's stuff cos they used to stay over or whatever. that one must throw. im talking about stuff that they gave you.

i personally wouldn't wanna know that my ex threw away stuff that i gave them. cos hell, i spent a shitload of money and effort on whatever it is that i gave you. vice versa i would treasure everything they gave me even if we broke up already. its not a symbol of love, its a symbol of gratefulness. so i would never understand couples who expect their new partners to throw away stuff that their ex's gave them. i told joshua that even if we are getting married, only MAYBE, would i throw away stuff my ex's gave me.

there are so many aspects. like im a very sentimental person. and so much has changed. every little thing that could remind me of what was, i would keep. EVEN IF they are bad memories. im not gonna say its so that i would be thankful of how happy i am now. thats like bullshit reasoning. but they are my past and i would like to keep every single thing that helps me capture my memories.

having said that, i wonder if i would do the same for my partner or if i would request for them to throw away stuff........ haha double standard much.

anyway. life has been treating me well. pretty much i guess. i'm slowly recovering from my unfortunate incident. and i'm just moving on from it. if i told you about it it means that i really do trust you even though we've drifted but you used to be my pillars of strengths so yea.

damn it dont even get me started on why i've drifted from my friends. i feel like im just lamenting and lamenting. but rly v shitty what. sigh, let me try and be thankful for some things.

1: -
..........nope couldn't think of anything. SERIOUSLY.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

went out with jon and joyce today (: sang kbox then played l4d for awhile. after that joyce left and jon and i went to bedok to eat KFC. while on the cab to bedok i was wishing aloud that there would be a car to send me home after i eat. haha voila! when i was eating halfway joshua came into KFC. i had no idea he would come because i thought he would stay in camp though its his nights out day. but yay! haha i was rly surprised and happy to see you baby (: i'm lucky to have you joshua.

the funny thing is, I said u didn't care anymore for the attention but I think you meant it when you said I didn't care anymore which sucks obviously. but oh well.

you know what? i have been trying to phrase and rephrase my blogpost so that it does not seem too emotional or whatever but nothing sounds right to me. you might think this is another of my 'emo moments' where i just reflect and get into this pensive mood and sound all yada yada yada about life and shit. but this is real. i refuse to admit that its real but it is. and i can't live in denial forever because thats not feasible. i wouldnt say its karma. that would be cruel. sigh. i can't. i can't say what im feeling its too hard. so there.

haha okay have been MIA for sometime. eh i had so many great ideas about how to use the money given to me by the government but i dont know why it has reduced to a pile of nothing. omg how to save money for the future?

anyway isnt it weird how once you reply a persons sms you feel like the onus isn't on you anymore to do anything? and how people can get angry if you didnt reply them YET when they are the once who reply you after a long time all they do is say sorry and expect it to be over. i guess you have to be more understanding towards those kinda people or there will be no friends left on earth.

anyway what a joke. yesterday i had HMT exam but i brought my finance notes as well because i thought we were studying after paper but turns out we were too tired. so i put all my finance notes in geoks backpack cos its like bloody heavy. then after paper we happily went to eat and went home to sleep. AND I HAVE FINANCE PAPER TMR HAHAHAHA OMG HOW STUPID CAN I GET. so i dont know what im gonna do in the meantime w/o my notes hahaha.

DATE A GIRL WHO READS
by Rosemarie Urquico
(In response to Charles Warnke’s You Should Date an Illiterate Girl)

_____

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

i really think its the influence of emotional songs but i feel awful right now. like nothing is going right in my life, you know? i think im cursed to never ever be happy.

okay i can't believe i am taking time out from my bloody tight schedule to blog. tight schedule as in 8hours before i have to leave house for exam, and i still have 8 chapters to go and im not even confident for the 3 that i've studied for HOHOHOHOHO. yea thats what you get when you fall asleep for 6 hours before this. oh god. oh god.

anw baby im srsly sorry our timing is always the opposite! i'll see you tmr k love you!

after some time, there are just some people you realise you're better off without.

HAHAHAHAHA I JUST THINK ITS DAMN CUTE. THE ERROR PAGE FOR TUMBLR. LOOK AT THE ONE ON THE EXTREME LEFT. ITS LIKE DAMN BLOODY CUTE HAHAHAHAHA.

You know what I can't stop thinking about?
How we slow danced at the staircase landing for the first time even though we both didn't know how to and we just ended up twirling, hugging, and moving our feet slowly.
:)

whine. employment relations is such a fucking dry subject. but i guess anything beats physics/math. WHINEEEEEEEE. my mood is so awful now. i srsly think im gonna fail everything. no joke. omg i hate studying. i hate hate hate hate studying. HATE.

university is like damn fucking hard please -_-

in the course of studying for well, 2hours max? if you minus out all the time i spent watching Lizzie McGuire (shut up! i haven't watched it before) and eating..... i drank like a gallon of water :D hehe yay. yea not coke, WATER.

Mad.

He's staring at me
I'm sitting, wondering what he's thinking
Nobody's talking 'cause talking just turns into screaming
And now as i'm yelling over him, he's yelling over me
All that that means - is neither of us is listening
And what's even worse?
That we don't even remember why we're fighting.

So both of us are mad for nothing
fighting for nothing
crying for nothing
But we wont let it go for nothing
Nothing,
This should be nothin' to a love like what we got

Baby, I know sometimes it's gonna rain
but baby, can we make up now
'cause I can't sleep through the pain

Boy, i don't wanna go to bed mad at you
And i don't want you to go to bed mad at me
No, i don't wanna go to bed mad at you
And i don't want you to go to bed mad at me

And it gets me upset, boy
when you're constantly accusing
askin' questions like you've already known
We're fighting this war, baby
when both of us are losing
This ain't the way that love is supposed to go

What happened to workin' it out?
We fall into this place
where you ain't backin' down and i ain't backin' down
so what the hell do we do now?

It's all for nothing
fighting for nothing
crying for nothing
But we wont let it go for nothing
Nothing,
This should be nothin' to a love like what we got

Baby this love ain't gonna be perfect
and just how good it's gonna be
we can fuss and we can fight
as long as everything's alright between us
before we go to sleep

Baby, we're gonna be happy.

i was awake till morning yesterday and i saw my parents leave for their short holiday. funny thing was when i got back to my room i just felt empty. the house really has no meaning at all without my parents. no one to order us around, keep things in shape. i know its like i feel bothered when they are at home and they keep asking me to do this and that this and that but my dad said before it won't be long before they are gone and my sister and i will part ways to start our own families and all. this has always stuck in my mind and thinking about it always makes me sad. what your parents tell you will always stick around till you're old and they are the words that matter.


anyway exams are in a couple weeks. ok i swear i will start studying next week. i think diploma was my downfall. everything was always last minute yet you are still able to score. now although im in university im still taking everything so lightly. geez. i think i will forever breeze through life like that and not make anything of myself haha.

i admire you for following your heart and taking something that you love. but some of us just don't plan for our future alone. we are so desperate to take a degree that will definitely get us a job and we dont care if its a desk bound one because we want the money. we want the money not only for ourselves but for our parents to have a good life when they retire too and bank loans that will be due in time. of course you will get a good job and earn big bucks but to some people its more important because not everyone is that fortunate.

note: this is NOT to start a war carrots&peas, just explaining the link (in my point of view) as to why some people relate psych to not being able to find a gd job and why its so important to them. psych was totally my dream when i was young and yes i do hate what i am doing now. ALSO not saying you will go to US and live happily ever after and dump your parents here la. NOTHING OF THAT SORT.

don't PMS k love you! and your pills DO NOT MAKE PPL HIGH STOP SAYING THAT!!!!

Today joshy goes back to camp and reverts to stay in for the whole week. Yup previously he was stay out so we were able to meet every night. Anyway. We decided to meet at 4am for an hour or so before he goes back to camp for an entire week and i overslept. Yup. But but but. The amazing thing about joshy is that he did not leave after like half an hr or so. When i woke at 515 he was still downstairs waiting patiently. He amazes me :) his love amazes me. Awww.

Dont be jealous of my bf bitches ;D

went for jiawen's dance concert in Temasek Poly just now. its theme was to celebrate life. it was really inspiring. stuff like that always gets me thinking but sadly the moment only lasts for awhile. its difficult to constantly inspire yourself yet there are new people becoming inspirations everyday.

pea and jwen:

ok hi my bitches i know i haven't responded to any of your blogposts cos i've been so hell busy with last minute work. when did you all meet w/o me )): !? can we bring jwen's cat out again pls. hahaha. i dont know whats going on in your lives too :/ especially pea. no, actually jwen also HAHAHAHA. pea, talk about yourself pls! your life like revolves around school!?!?!! eh we can't meet cos i am barely in school HAHAHA SORRY. like srsly, i think the only thing that hasn't changed about you is that you are always 30min-1hour early for anything. HAHAHA damn funny la everytime we wanna meet. &jwen IM SORRY i never really reply your texts. gahhhh i tell you why when we meet. HELLO I GOT SO MUCH TO TELL YOU ALL PLEASE?! exciting :D:D:D ok bitches i am meeting both of you next week. just hang at someone's house also can. eh jwen you bitch you gave pea alice in the wonderland you give me SHREK. SHREKKKKKK. hahaha eh i feel high just talking to you all like that hahaha! ok i love you guys lots lots!

i wrote everything i felt about my parents on a paper and burnt it. i hope it'll burn away my anger and sadness too.

otherwise i'd have to burn myself.

i'm happy that many friends out there want good things to happen for me. though not everyone has a similar opinion on whats best for me, i appreciate every single ounce of happiness anyone has felt for me. heart warming, keeps me going.

just celebrated anniversary w josh. i had a blast baby and i really wanna thank you for loving me.

you know, people are always trying to burst my bubble of happiness. you may think im being unrealistic and too dreamy because i believe sappy love cartoons and movies do happen in real life but i don't care. it makes me happy just to think of the 'what ifs'.

i think everyone should embrace their fantasies. whats the point of working hard for a good life ahead and all the money you guys have together when the magic is gone?

i'm glad this hectic week is over. on monday i never thought i'd see the light of friday. okay, saying i wanted to die was melodramatic but that was the gist of it.

i dont know why i've been feeling really shitty lately. all i've been thinking about is death. yea alright, tragic for a young life.

i dont like to apologise. i dont believe saying sorry makes things better. it just gives rise to a winner and a loser. i believe in looking out for body language/actions that might show signs of apology. i believe in the silent healing of relationships. time - a big influence.

i feel like i keep doing the wrong thing.

i was just watching Hannah Montana ( i know, i have a finance test at like 7pm later and i still have 2 chapters to go [bonds and capital budgeting.] BOTH OF WHICH I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT) and i thought about you cher :D i guess it was because of miley and lily and it reminded me of how we were in the past. This post is for you cher.

Im really sorry that we grew apart. I mean, being best friends with you could have grown into so much more right now but i guess it wasnt easy maintaining the friendship. I see how you are now and you have no idea how much i admire you. Youre in a good school, you have ambitions and good grades (seems like yesterday we were laughing about our psle scores), you have a boyfriend who wants the same things as you in life, awesome r/s w your family. i wouldnt take the first step of saying that youre happy the way things are because there could be so much more i dont know since we drifted but girl, things are looking up for you.

i always wondered what would have happened if i hadnt stopped hanging out with you. study together and stuff, maybe i wouldnt be such a failure in my studies haha. For what its worth, im sorry for being uptight and judgemental about kenneth. im with joshua and with everyone being so judgemental and all, i finally understand your past blog post about how bystanders will never understand what ken has done for you. i wish i could hv been there to share your joy though. I remember how we used to talk about ES and other guys in your life.

It'd be pretty weird to fix things now, despite the cliche saying of how its never too late. It'd be pretty awkward and all with years of empty memories between us. You've grown into this mature young woman with friends of the same calibre and im still stuck with being an obnoxious teenager. So i dont want to take away what you've worked so hard for by being this negative, sulky stain in your life.

Anyway im glad we were once awesome best friends and i love you!

))): i should have taken marketing as a major. fuck. im stuck now. i hate finance to the core. im interested in marketing and i love coming up with creative ideas. WHY. WHY DID I CHOOSE FINANCE. omg super stressed now.

its fun to go out in a group of friends and have a decent meal but what happens when the bill comes? i've thought about this in many different approaches before. there are basically 3 types of people.

1) pay for my share and my share only, down to every penny.
2) give abit more than my share (no small change) and asks whoever to keep the change.
3) sits quietly in the corner while everyone is counting the money strewn across the table and hopes no one realises he hasn't paid.

3 is a jackass and the problem goes way back to his principles so lets not talk about 3.

lets talk about 1 and 2's actions.

i think its reasonable to wanna take back all the change that is rightfully yours because it is afterall, your money. then brings us to the value of money. what is 20cents to you? on the other hand, what is $2? so is it okay to take back $2 change but not okay to take back 20cents? let me emphasize that this is friends splitting the change and not the change you take from stall vendors.

what character are you trying to portray when you ask your friends to keep the change? do you really not care about the money because its your friends or do you just not wanna seem uptight about money. or do you think its a charity? i guess there's no fault in wanting to keep the change or the last person who handles the money will have to awkwardly keep it.

i think its a socially awkward situation that has plagued many of us before. im guessing most of us are either those who say 'keep the change' because you simply dont want to look like a miser in front of our friends or those who really dont want to keep the coins. honestly, i've rarely come across friends who take back every cent that is rightfully theirs though i do have 1 or 2.


oh well. just something i thought about on the bus ride home.

this must be what it feels like when you can't do anything to help - useless.

hi allllllll :)

so vday just passed and two days before that was my anni with josh. so these past few days have been pretty rough on his wallet hahahahahaha. okay im not laughing. afterall he got no money i also suffer right lmao. anyway he bought this adorable bear that came along w the lilies and i named it joshy and right now i can't let it out of my sight cos its so cute haha. im not a soft toy kinda girl seriously BUT THIS BEAR JUST GOT TO ME. anyway. yes im also not a mushy kinda girl but HAHAHAHA MY BABY'S SO CUTEEEE.

okay yes. this week is going to be stressful. econs test and assignment to hand up. learnt everything in econs already but still v worried cos afterall I GOT AN E FOR A LVL ECONS. pffft. but i got an A for diploma econs so now im gonna get distinction for uni econs! IN YOUR FACE LAST YEAR ME.

haha. loves.

seriously, its PAINFUL to learn what im learning in school now.

so, funny story.

turns out i didnt have to hand in both assignments this week so i have been back to doing nothing for the past 3 days. i love pleasant surprises.

chinese new year is finally over. wasn't much remembering except that my luck was exceptionally good :D:D finally leh. every year i lose money and sulk for the rest of the days. this time round i finally won my own pocket money hahaha. anyway, parents went away for 3rd and 4th day so cny wasnt much of family time this year. but nvm. have assignment due next tues and wed and i hvnt started. fuck lor. the article they want us to read is long, the words are miniscule and i have no interest in equity in employment. i have to write an essay on that HELLO. i dont even know where to start. oh god dont even talk about history management of thought. i bet you dont even know the content of the subject from the name right. at bfs house now. trying to do my work while he sleeps cos he has to book in tmr. LIFE SUCKS. ARMY SUCKS.

haha okay. thats all the time out im gonna get.

i think life is throwing me lemons at the moment.

it is generally harder for people who are at different places in life to stay together. its always easier if you are able to see each other routinely in school or work, etc. and if you are at the same place in life you can do the same things together. that's why its even more special if you are apart most of the time. because you know whats keeping you together is not habit. its the raging fire in you to wanna see each other again and every moment spent together is special.

kinda stressed up now. because finance just became 130312321 times harder. i can be sitting in class and listening but i really dont get anything. makes me wanna cry all the time. nevermind. practice practice practice. this CNY break is not going to be a break because i have 2 major essay assignments to hand up after CNY week. which sucks. i never understood why people want to study and study and study until there is nothing else they can study anymore. i think a degree is sufficient for me. then again, maybe its because i've been so sheltered and my general knowledge is so minimal i dont know what is required to get a good job out there.

i can't wait to end my studies and get working. i feel most satisfied when im earning my own money. i know, without good education i'd get no where. fuck. all this is really giving me a headache. the future scares me all the time.

i know im 20 going on 21 and i should feel like im in the prime of my life but no. i feel really unsatisfied. i think JC was really the turning point of my life. ever since i did badly in JC my life has been going downhill. i know i have lamented this part of my life for eons since it passed but i guess you just dont get over some regrets.

well then.

on a lighter note, i saw this gorgeous shirt at ZARA that costs $80. i planned to buy it for new year but now i think im just goin to use my redpacket money to buy it for myself. GORGEOUS SHIRT.

hello my awesome earthlings. i have yet to get all my chinese new year clothes ): i always thought it was ironic how you get money DURING chinese new year. its like, geez, give it to me a week earlier and i could get some decent clothes for cny itself right.

I can tell when you're faking a smile. Can you tell when i'm really faking one?
At th end of it all, we still gotta look out for ourselves.

I cant believe i made it to an 8.30 class. Sim so kiam siap please. Want to save on electricity all the escalators not moving one ta ma de.

HI THERE. its funny how i used to update this thing everyday. sometimes even couple of times a day huh.

SO, happy new year guys! lets see, 2010 was a fruitful year i would say. stopped a few bad habits (hopefully people stopped judging me because of that), stuck to a job for like 3 whole months pfft hello? haha. couldn't have done it without geok though. (i know you're gonna ask me to shut the fuck up when you read this but I LOVEZZZZ YOU.) haha! made a whole lot of new friends and got back in touch with a whole lot of them too. though, i lost a few more friends last year. well, you gain some you lose some. had the best year end ever with tons of freedom and i thank god and my parents for that. i had SUCH a great 2010 i dont know what to say :D

and babyyyyy. you're the best thing that ever happened to me thus far in my life. i've never met anyone with a heart as good as yours and with actions so sincere. this is a toast to us and the months to come. iloveyou!

SO. 2011 huh? DID YOU KNOW THEY CHANGED THE ZODIACS? I AM NO LONGER A SCORPIO. HOLY.... yup apparently i am now a Libra. well i dont know about you guys but i kinda believe in horoscopes while some people think its bullshit. how else would you explain why im like that? hahaahaah SCORPIO PEOPLE, SCORPIO. so i heard it on the radio the other day and i couldn't find an official site for it yet but here's the gist of it.

there's going to be a new star sign called Ophiuchus. i know right, how do you even pronounce it, geez.

ATTRIBUTES THAT DESCRIBE THE SIGN OF OPHIUCHUS
• interpreter of dreams, premonitions
• attracts good luck
• serpent holder
• lofty ideals
• a seeker of peace and harmony
• doctor of medicine or science
• to add, increase, join or gather together
• poetical, inventive nature, expanding
• seeks higher education
• overseer, supervisor of work
• fame - either grand or completely misunderstood
• longevity, aspirations of healing the ills of man
• architect, builder, reaches for the stars
• tax assessor or levys taxes
• astrological talents, intuitive
• large family indicated, but apt to be separated from them when young
• the number twelve holds great significance
• foresight to benefit from hard times
• has secret enemies in family or close associations
• many jealous of this subject
• notable father, apple of father's eye when young
• high position in life expected [depending on aspects] highest fame and legend comes after death however
• feelings of granular, wise,
• likes to wear clothing of vibrant colors
• receives the favor of those in charge

and your new starsigns are

ARIES = APRIL 19 - MAY 13
TAURUS = MAY 14 - JUNE 19
GEMINI = JUNE 20 - JULY 20
CANCER = JULY 21 - AUG 9
LEO = AUGUST 10 - SEPTEMBER 15
VIRGO = SEPTEMBER 16 - OCTOBER 30
LIBRA = OCTOBER 31 - NOVEMBER 22
SCORPIO = NOVEMBER 23 - NOVEMBER 29
OPHIUCHUS = NOVEMBER 30 - DECEMBER 17
SAGITTARIUS = DECEMBER 18 - JANUARY 18
CAPRICORN = JANUARY 19 - FEBRUARY 15
AQUARIUS = FEBRUARY 16 - MARCH 11
PISCES = MARCH 12 - APRIL 18

see. they ruined everything! yup but i'm just gonna ignore that until its certified. pfft...

okay then im off to read my book. its called 'My Name is Memory' pretty captivating actually. bye!

Okay i think i should finally update my blog hahahaha.

Okay lets see. This thursday is my last day at Starhub! Then school is starting next week. What an awful new year..
Anyway last week was cool hahaha. We went to visit the so called haunted places hahaha. Like pasir ris red house (totally nothing btw its just a house that looks pretty dilapidated) and old changi general hospital hahaha. Then we went to lim chu kang cemetry and all. Ya whack job hahaha.

Yup somehow i never ever get enough sleep nwadays but i guess it'll gt better when school starts.. No more late nights out w my fav guy and my bitch. i hate how time passes so quickly and how fun and young days just fly too. I am feeling alot more open about my friends being attached though. Hahaha i feel happy actually. Its good to have sth to look forward to every weekend :)

Okay if you didnt get any of that i dont blame you. Its just rly scattered thoughts. Heh bye!

i have always thought that words of endearment go well with sarcasm.

did you know that mulan and Pocahontas are disney princesses? HAHAHA ya you can see i typed out mulan's name with a small "m" and i obviously copy pasted pocahontas's name because i dont know how to spell it. haaaaah.

anyway

WATCH IT.

http://www.razor.tv/site/servlet/segment/main/news/57592.html

you lose at least 2 close friends when you get attached okay.
FEEL ME. FEEL ME.

omgggg okay hiiiiiii!

fucking long since i blogged properly, i kinda forgot how to! anyway! met up w SIM friends (sam, fandy, geok, yixiang). dearest adrien could not make it because he was having chinese lessons.

went marche to eat.



omg pork knuckles like fucking good!




geokkk


fandy


yixiang


sam hahaahah okay her eyes are closed but she's still so pretty!






heeeeeeeeeeeeeeheeeeeeeeeeeee.






okay then i took paid leave on that day cos my sister was flying off for holiday. so went to eat with the famzzz.


AWWW AINT SHE PRETTY.






airport.



okay let me see. past few days since wednesday, work and work and work. my life fucking boring la now. SIM orientation tmr. dont even feel like going hahaha. hate to go to a new school having to start all over again. pretty happy how my life in SIM went though (:

wahhhh christmas coming already. have to get some big ass present for my sister to make up for me working on her birthday -_- haha i remember when cher and i would plan what to get for our parents and stuff and make our silly new years resolutions together. everyyy single year.

oh anyway i know damn fucking long ago but i just came across the photo in my camera hahaha i said before, chuuuu and geok bought me flowers and cake for my birthday hahaha. i love lilies! they bought me a whole bouquet lmao.




anyway it was the last day i had long hair haha. the very last picture of me with long hair. ok i kinda put it up cos i wanted to see how i would look like in short hair but i like the picture anyway haha.


tadah. this is me at night.


ok i look like i haven't slept in days. ALMOST THERE OKAY!??!

woke up just now to meet chu for lunch before he booked in. love popeyes! okay i need to sleep now. i need to wake up at 12pm tmr. ya my body clock damn screwed up. hahaha okay bye!

geok and i have hit a new low at work.

my eyes have reduced to a size not comparable to the sides of a coin. geok is staring listlessly at her computer screen and has no reaction whatsoever to whatever that has loaded on her screen. its a pity halloween has passed because we would win first prize if we hit the clubs after this.

anyway, meeting samzzz fandy yx adrien and geok tmr for awesome lunch. excited! i love all of them so much hehehe.

i miss singing k and playing pool and l4d and just hanging out after work. with you. now its like, we're hi bye friends though we've been through more than that. we reached the end then went back to being hi bye friends. totally opposite from everyone else. nope. i dont miss you in that kinda way. i just miss the times you were free and steady to do anything. feel like im losing you even as a friend. you're so tied down now. i know you dont feel that way. just a third party point of view. but i guess you're happy. thats what matters right? that everyone else is happy.

mega emo night. oh well. been there done that. just have to wait till i think about stuff again.

song of the night - Robbie Williams, Better Man

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
I'm in pain

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

i can't believe mcdonalds delivered diet coke to me. DIET COKE. WHO THE HELL DRINKS DIET COKE! IT DOESNT EVEN HAVE GAS IN IT. AND IT TASTES LIKE SHIT. super spoil mood. order large somemore. ta maaaaaa de.

omg super disgusting.

went to work alone today. initially all sorts of excuses came to my mind to skip work because number one, i am working alone today. number two, i was so tired i cldnt move a muscle. i sucked it up and went anyway. buvan bought famous amos for me! hahaha cheered me up. $1.40 leh. im so kiam siap i only buy $0.50 twisties hahaha.

i've honestly seen the stupidest of singaporeans from my time in starhub. their requests are honestly so stupid sometimes i dont even know how to reply them. and some of them have email history way back to 2004 its like they spend their whole lives stalking their starhub bills and preying on mistakes.

oh well, knew im not cut out for customer service. i seriously cant take stupid yet demanding people. so i threw a few sarcastic and curt replies to customers so far. hope they dont ever come back to me. hahahahaha

omg my acceptance letter finally came -_- my mum has been bugging me about it and i would just brush it off but actually inside im like ........

absence can do 2 things to love - make it stronger or allow you to pretend it never existed.
somehow im swaying towards 'pretend it never existed'.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.

“Over the years, she influenced my writing style. Now I write in short sentences, in the active voice. We gradually influenced each other’s ways and habits as we adjusted and accommodated each other.

We knew that we could not stay starry-eyed lovers all our lives; that life was an on-going challenge with new problems to resolve and manage.

…

Her last wish she shared with me was to enjoin our children to have our ashes placed together, as we were in life.

The last two years of her life were the most difficult. She was bed-ridden after small successive strokes; she could not speak but she was still cognisant.

Every night she would wait for me to sit by her to tell her of my day’s activities and to read her favourite poems.

Then she would sleep.

I have precious memories of our 63 years together. Without her, I would be a different man, with a different life. She devoted herself to me and our children. She was always there when I needed her. She has lived a life full of warmth and meaning.

I should find solace at her 89 years of her life well lived. But at this moment of the final parting, my heart is heavy with sadness.”

mm lee’s eulogy

taken from my sisters blog. has a nice touch to it huh.


HAHAHAAHA my mice so cute ah.





ah oh well i really could use a furry little thing running around my hand right now.

anyway i think....hmm. hahahahahahaaha ;)

happy days? really happy days? hahahaha maybe. nowadays im so i-dont-give-a-shit that i find it impossible to be emo about anything HAHAHA i mean judging from what he did to me i would have given him even worse treatment than this alrdy HAHAHA nvm i dont care.

Happiness is as a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.

- Nathaniel Hawthorne

omggggg i haven't been in this space for ages. so unlike me.

oh well, have been out and about but now its back to home again cos joshua finally went into army ): AWWWWZZZ. i dare say i've been seeing him 7 days a week for about a month? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. im so having withdrawal symptoms now. ): hahahaha everyday after work its like pool, eat, l4d, eat, sometimes go barrage, mahjong, ecp, bowling once we even went cycling HAHAHA crazy.

aiya. oh thanks to everyone who wished me happy birthday haha. i know abit late. aww josh and geok surprised me at barrage w a cake and flowers. HAHAHA I LOVE FLOWERS. then i spent my bday w joe jj and josh. ya cos everyone else had school and work. i know, very sad. nevermind heheeee.

ahhhhhhhh met watson for dinner the other night. omggggg i love motorbikes. sigh. okay motorbikes are my favourite vehicles!

aiyar actually alot of shit happened in the past few days and the past 1.5mths at work. nevermind! still awesome!! and no i did not cut my hair because i had some emotional trauma or sth hahaha.


my esteem is so low seriously hahahaha. when someone makes me feel special i will always think that person does it to every other girl. HAHAHA awwwwww ): yup okay im actually quite sad right now HAHAHAHAH CAN YOU TELL. okay im kidding. HAHAHA

am i? HAHAHAHAHAA OKAY BYEEEEEE

hi guys :D

i have been enjoying myself so much for the past few weeks i really hope nothing changes. done some things i've regretted but dont feel really sad about it. trying to be optimistic cos i kinda hate it when my friend starts to emo when im with her/him so i can only imagine what its like being with me. haha.

choices, people. i guess in life you gotta make em fast make em right. know your boundaries. once you start making wrong choices you kinda notice life really does not rewind. yup. can't be so gullible as to believe everyone out there is good at heart.

yup thats all i have to say today.
regrets, its a matter of who keeps moving on.

these few days have been awesome. many things happened, many new experiences but many things to keep my mind off them too. overall, im lucky to have awesome friends.

it's not so bad the second time around. especially when you're not over the death of your first mouse. the second blow just comes like the remaining breeze after a hurricane. i don't foresee my last mouse living much longer cos it will probably die of loneliness.

i think my life is that of a straw. really hollow. sometimes some excitement flows through, but mostly just hollow. the worst part is the excitement falls out either way.


when you're single for too long you get bored and you feel like getting into the game again. the game is important. find the wrong players and you would rather stay out of it. sometimes when you think you've found the suitable player they do something that turns you off and once again you find yourself outside the court, watching from the sidelines. you would rather sit alone along court than to join in with the low class players. that's what i end up doing most of the time.


life to me isn't about the physical fun, its about what really goes on in your head. what you're thinking when youre not talking, that's who you are, thats life.

let's just say i don't like to talk much about my life.

Yesterday was by far the most fucked up day of the month.

First i came home and saw the limp body of Fandy my mouse. It was the fattest mouse of all but when it was dead, fuck was it small. kinda like shriveled up. fucking sad ah i cry until 3pm then i sleep. i was home at like 9am. even then i found it hard to close my swollen eyes. ya thanks to everyone who thought it was a joke okay, thanks.

Secondly, i went to work with a fucked up mood and fucked up mood + bitch in me = trouble. made wilson pissed cos i slammed his precious car door like super hard. ya i like to do fucked up things la ok. in my nature can't help it. just that i really dont expect people to get mad at me. like i said before, most of my friends rly just forgive me for everything i do. thank god.

after that was just damn fucked up all the way la dont even wanna think about it. i used to think i can control when i want to act like a bitch and when i dont wanna. like i used to be this super nice push over when i was younger. dont knw. maybe got tired of it. maybe now it has become, me.

wah so fucked up. be nice cherryl. BE NICE. BE NICE. BE NICE. people only like nice sweet people. tch.

okays. new day new start.

good mourning.

): super sad.
giving up forever and ever amen.

hahaha okay hello. i realised i haven't really done a proper update since i don't know when.

okay as you all know i am working 7pm to 4.30am at starhub hahaha. please feel free to drop an email to customercare@starhub.com hahaha. but i won't guarantee i will be the one receiving your email la. hahaha. anyway its become a habit to eat after work and so i can already picture myself 3 months down the road when i quit my job, i will look like a real pig. FUCK SIA, HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT BUT DON'T PUT IN EFFORT? HAHA. if someone can invent such a thing i will invest my life on it. lmao

HAHAHHA SIDETRACK ABIT. MY MOTHER DAMN FUNNY LA. she texted me

"change your bedsheet and don't throw clothes on the floor"

then i sian right, i reply her

"Your message failed to be delivered. Please try again"

HAHAHHHAAHAHAHA THEN SHE REALLY SEND AGAIN LA. DAMN CUTE HAHAHAH.

ANYWAY i swear i am going to be less vulgar from today hahahahha. my reputation like damn bad hahaha. anyway i think 7 out of ten of my guy friends thinks my sister is hot. terence, you got competition. haha. sometimes i really think i was picked up from somewhere hahaha.


anyway i think dating is like a job application in some sense. when you look at someone you think you can progress with you will look at their qualifications, what future they have, finance and a good photograph helps. hahaha.

okay i'm not tired so i don't know what to do now hahaha. ANYWAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADRIEN I LOVE YOU!!

my mice are fucking cute la. they are all growing up fine hahaha. i tell you when they stretch and yawn your heart just MELTS.

THE LATEST HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER EPISODE IS SO TOUCHING.
heehee barney stintson is so adorable.