i think that i just have to come to terms that in my life i am never going to be 100% happy about anything. because everything is conflicting. i cannot pinpoint a single part of my life that i am even remotely satisfied with, let alone happy.

sometimes i have this strong blind rage and immense hatred for everybody. like now. feeling like a monster. i scare myself when i hear the echo of my screams in my ears. (though, since i do it in a pillow the echo is minimal). don't understand why life has to be so hard though. the people i love the most don't trust and understand me at all. they refuse to listen too. im a good person. i dont deserve all this.

i wish i was never born. seriously. i don't believe i was put on this earth for a reason. oh wait, thats right. it must be - to be miserable. maybe i stay out late every night hoping that something would happen to me and i would be one of those dead bodies you find in bedok reservoir or at the istana. wondering when it will be my turn. afterall, the pain of dying will definitely last shorter than being miserable your whole life.

i know i wont be missed though. the only thing people are going to miss, or rather, regret is all the effort they have put into helping to form my life for the past 21 years. so good bye. i'll fade slowly into the past and soon become only a part of your memories.