BTW BTW! ok so like on my first day I told pea how pretty the green frame in the shop was and on my second day she gave it to me as my 21st gift! Hahaha AWESOME MUCH? ITS RLY DAMN PRETTY LOOK LOOK !

Haha thanks pea!!!! <3

I hope I fall very ill or die an instant death so I can make my family the happiest people on earth. I'll be the happiest.

Work with pea these 2 days was damn awesome! Hahaha. can't wait for my next weekday schedule:)

i am still in a holiday mood. school seems to have no impact on me yet. maybe cos after tmr i have a break AGAIN till 2nd feb. maybe i'll get serious then hehehe.

i went to do mani and pedi w joshy's mom just now! hahaha very happy ah i wanted to do for damn long hahaha now free one somemore :) hehehe.

okay school again tmr. then long long break. work on thurs and friday though. pretty excited hahaha last time i worked w pea was like end of sec 4 i think.

WHY SO CUTE?

Hate to talk to people who love to move the attention of the topic to themselves. Like, hold up please, we'll get there eventually right. World does not revolve around u man so learn to deal with other peoples problems too instead of just wanting the limelight to themselves. not sure if you guys get what I mean, I know jonnie does.

My feng shui app says that today is a good day which in my opinion IS A FUCKING LIE. fuck this day TTM.

Just watched The Switch (1991). its so beautiful omg.

It's about a man who got killed by these women who hated him cos he's a womanizer. then when he went to some passageway between heaven and hell God gave him a choice of going to heaven but before that he had to go back to earth as a woman and find one girl who didn't hate him. then he/she slept with his/her best friend and got pregnant but if she decided to have the baby she would die. and as a guy he already loved kids so right after she gave birth to her daughter she said 'I think she likes me' then she died and went to heaven. AW?

sucker for such movies man.

I think people who are genuinely in love wouldn't change a thing about their partner if they could. I think that's what true love is; you look at each others flaws and coverups but all you see is perfection. of course there will be times when a certain trait or idiosyncrasy of theirs drives you crazy and you rant about it to your friends. But you would never say 'I wish he wasn't like that'. that's the magic of it. you rant and rant about his mistake but you would never think to say you wish he was something else. because you don't.

Thats what I think love is.

I couldn't ask for more :)

Chain texts

yay!!! pea got me an interview at the place she's working at and I'm gg down tmrrrr ! I SO HOPE I GET IT. haha first I'll be working w pea again which I am mega excited to. and there's no dress code or anything which is like MEGA AWESOME. best job lobang ever hahaha THANKS BITCH!

anyway i sent this chain mail last night cos it said I wld be happy today but for the whole day I didn't feel like I was particularly happy hahaha. I guess im actually pretty happy now, what w the interview and first year all coming up.

Hahaahhahahahha anyway why do friends ask me why i send them chain texts. u dont like then delete la why must ask ah so funny. ya I v bored my bf in army so I hv to send chain mages to kill time can? HAHAHAA kidding. ok I nv slp last night I think I shld now before I hit high and nv come down again.

bye!!

1. You are walking in the woods. You are not alone. Who’s with you?
joshy

2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. what kind of animal?
A MOUSE

3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?
i try all sorts of sounds on it (cat/dog/mouse) but it just stares at me

4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing, and you are at your dream house.
windows with white curtains, 2 stories max w a cute roof and no attic. plants all around the front, a little path and a cute gate leading up to it. oh, and its green :)

5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?
well yea, what use is a gate if there are no fences.

6. You enter the house. You walk into the dining room and see the dining table is covered with?
roast beef, mashed potatoes, salmon teriyaki, pokka green tea!

7. You exit the house and a cup is on the ground, what kind is it?
a wine glass

8. What do you do with that cup?
im so lazy i'll probably just leave it where it is haha

9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at what body of water?
a very small stream

10. How do you cross that body of water?
just step over it ah HAHAHA

The ANSWERS
1. The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important to you.

2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems in your life.

3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems.

4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition.

5. A lack of a fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You’d prefer people not drop by unannounced.

6. If your answer did NOT include food, flowers, or people, then you are generally unhappy.

7. The durability of the material with the cup is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship.

8. What you did with the cup is representative of your attitude.

9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your relationships.

10. The way you cross the water is representative to how easy or hard you expect your life to be.

everything about my relationships is bad. bummer.

i can't sleep and its driving me NUTS. :( my cough is TERRIBLE. its worse than the last time i had an itchy cough :( yea see, the last time i had to get off the bus cos i was so embarrassed with myself coughing like i had TB. what the fuck causes the itchiness :( imma dig my fingers in and grab it out. kidding.

anyway its my 1st year w joshy this week but he's gonna be in camp so we're celebrating on the weekend instead. mega excited :) we've come a long way man. like the saying goes, time flies when you're having fun i guess.

im hungry so i guess i'll grab something to eat from my kitchen. byeee

NMTB.

you know the feeling where you know something is not right but you just keep doing it and at the end of each day you just burst into tears and wonder why you feel like you've been stabbed over and over again at the same spot? and then you wonder if its better to stop doing whatever it is then you start crying again because you don't want to and can't bear to? and then and then you start laughing cos you can't believe what a mess you are? then you are sobbing and laughing at the same time cos the sadness is overwhelming? you know?

no you dont know.

gee i can't believe i have to head down to school tmr for enrollment AGAIN. super hate traveling to school. UGHHHHHHHHH. hate being broke too. am like super broke now and i need cash like in ONE FREAKING WEEK cos its my first year w joshy and i obviously have something planned. JUST THAT EVERYTHING NEEDS MONEY. unhappy :(

why, good morning.

my holidays will be over next week. sigh. school from monday to saturday. man :( on the bright side, one more year! one more year!

anyway i downloaded this app called brilliant quotes and a few caught my eye --

"Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right" - Henry Ford
i guess it means that if you think you can't do it then chances are you will nv be able to. yup pretty awesome.

omfg! i went to my kitchen to cook myself some good old seafood maggie mee and i kicked over something lightly and before i switched on the lights i was thinking "haha what would i do if that was a cockroach and it crawled over my leg now" and when the lights were on i looked down and saw a flipped cockroach. WHAT THE FUCK! i literally stood there with my jaw dropped and stared at the cockroach and like i dont even know what was running through my mind cos i was SO DISGUSTED. anyway i thought it was dead but apparently ITS NOT SO LIKE FUCK IT I JUST STEPPED ON A LIVING COCKROACH, BARE FOOTED MIND YOU UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGUHGUHGUHGUHGUHGUHGUHGUHGUHUGHUGHU!??!?!?!!?

i am so wearing my slippers from now on. omfg. damn disgusted.

walau i miss my long hair man. i didnt perm it btw hahahaha. v sad now. gonna take me like maybe 1.5 yrs to grow.

okay this and last week was quite fulfilling. these are the things i did:

-met pea and jwen together after what seemed like eternity. went to fareast to chill and shop. it was pouring that day and jwen and pea were so nice to acc me to take a puff outside even though the rain was just coming at us. jwen even opened an umbrella hahaha aww so sweet y'all. after pea left joshy gave jwen a lift to pasir ris where i bumped into terry my retarded cousin who just booked out of army. happy :) after which i realised i had dropped my key earlier in the day so joshy went back to orchard with me to try and find it. couldn't find it in the end and i was pretty sad aww. end night.

-did full face threading which was mofo pain and to which i had an allergic reaction to the powder they put on your face before they do the actual threading. but my face is as smooth as tofu now. went to serangoon pet mart to look at my tiny little cute animals. didn't buy in the end cos the shop was closing and i didn't want to make an impulse buy.

-went to do eyelash extensions at fareast. im pretty satisfied with it except for the fact that i worry day and night that they would drop out before the minimum 2 weeks period and its only like my 4th day having it. also, its really tough to wash my face. think i'll think twice before putting them again. but ohwell, small price to pay for beauty.

-accompanied jwen to fareast YET AGAIN with jwen cos she wanted to do too. amanda joined shortly after and we walked around fareast, AGAIN till joshy came and it was time to watch alvin and the chipmunks. AMANDA'S CHOICE. i felt so bad i turned and said sorry to joshy halfway through the movie hahaha. joshy and i went to play l4d with JJ after that. anyway, it was a pretty fun day :)

-met joyce for lunch today at aljunied. the chicken rice at GMSS is just oh so good. conned innzheng into coming down to the coffeeshop (just below his house) and we went up to his house shortly after to play with his cutey dog. tiff came after while and we went to joyce's house cos inn had to go out. kinda big change of plans today cos we were originally supposed to head to town. anyway hung at joyce's place like old times and we later decided to play mahj so i called joshy over. played awhile and tiff had to go so geok came over to play. and yup that was kinda it. surprisingly, meeting joyce and tiff after -insert time period longer than eternity- was not as awkward as we all thought it would be. we've changed and stuff but we're still the same when we all hang together i guess.

and thats about it! on a side note, thankyou joshy for taking a whole week to accompany me and for being so nice as to send my friends here and there after meeting up. i don't believe i could find anyone as sweet and as generous as you baby :) <3

anyway a new year is coming, again. i do hope its the end of the world though cos i totally wanna do over my life. just start all over. but we all know thats not gonna happen. 2011 was like the shittiest year ever in my entire life. i've never had this much shit thrown in my face ever. and as emotional as i may be i am so not exaggerating. anyway, resolutions? i'll have to think about those. dear god please be nice to me next yr so that i can be nice to people and santa wont have to give me shit.

love!

i think im a very unaccomplished person. how come i feel like there's nothing to look forward to anymore and time is still slipping away?

take not, want not.

People always say that u shld be w someone who makes you feel better about yourself... I guess they are right cos the other way, you just feel like killing yourself all the time.

I haven't been the best friend, daughter, sister, person. Far from it. I guess it's hard to spread the love when you're buried so deep in your own unhappiness. I even feel unhappy when I'm happy. I pity myself sometimes. When you are unable to feel happiness from the heart I guess you're no different from being dead.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

im bored out of my senses. really. im so bored i feel like crying man. stupid holidays..

The year is finally coming to an end. It has really been a year of trials and tribulations - not to sound cliche or anything. On this night where I've got One Republic's All This Time on repeat, it seems the darkness has covered the world with a blanket of silence; with nothing but the bittersweet taste of reminisce hanging around, toying my mind.


The song just makes you stare into space and think.

i have no faith in second chances.
and i've lost faith in love.
its true that the person you least thought would hurt you, can kill you.
living everyday on the edge of my seat..
wondering when the fuse would blow again.

i hate running nose i hate running nose i hate running nose. its like, SNEEZE and 2 seconds later it starts flowing. dude, i think they are all living rent free in my nose. where does the mucus even come from anyway. HAHA okay my biology teacher is probably gonna be like "NOOOO SHE'S GOT NOTHINGGGGG" if he reads this.

anyway i think i'll fill up the yellow form and donate all my other organs too when i die. yup i want to. just hope im not wearing red when i die haha. cos like what, either i'll haunt all the nurses or i'll haunt all the people who take each of my organs which is a lot of work to do.

hihi! im glad to announce that my hair is finally growing and i am not going to cut it in another gazillion years hehehe. bye.

KILL ME.

hi my dears! so i've been feeling alot better since my previous post. but thats what life is all about isnt it - the ups and downs. haven't been doing anything lately. its the hols and my school only starts next year. so, yay! just a short post about my bkk trip and the mlysia trip after.

i still remember the excitement i felt when i was otw to the airport and checking in hehe. this is us on the plane. about 10 mins after take off :) myanmar airways flight was cancelled so we got transferred to thai airways which was fine by us.


we touched down about 5 bkk time and headed to the hotel, put our stuff down then went out for a walk.

i love their drink bottles.


yup after walking at big C we ate chicken rice at some street stall then went back to the hotel to rest. joshy and i chilled downstairs and met a big white dog which was soooooo cute but so dirty though. anyway i told the dog to come back tmr night and wait for me haha. it did.

breakfast and some fresh air in the morning. they all had these concrete walls and sandbags outside each building in case the flood reaches them i guess.


after some fresh air. oh anyway we decided to go on a 1 day tour to amphawhat and like the train station rly rly rly far away which costs us 1000 baht for the whole day. yup we went on the second day.


ok supposedly right, the train would come through and all the vendors would pull their carts and stalls which were already equipped with wheels, inside so that the train wouldnt crush anything. but anyway we didnt get to see it cos the train got delayed cos of the flood or something.




they have like chickens!?!??!?! :D


wah the beef noodles damn good.


there was a whole long stretch of these kinda shops along the train tracks. yup.

the coke bottles were huge!


just very fascinated with this shop haha.


took a boat ride around the island to different temples and places.




there was this place where you could see like tons of animals haha. its like singapore zoo where you can also pay like 8 dollars to feed the animals? yea like that - only its free. and the vege used to pay the animals comes at any cost you wish to pay.





notice only geok didnt have a picture of her feeding the goat haha. scaredy cat.

this monkey damn cute!




oh yea anyway there was this fenced up cage with tiny holes but the top was still the normal size grills. so i thought the orang utan was so poor thing so i fed it vege and it reached out from the top and scratched me. THAT BITCH.

after that i called it a crazy monkey and that its no wonder no one wanted to be friends with him and the orang utan started jumping around in its cage in a frenzy. CRAZY BITCH.

supposed to be a temple in a tree, or something.


went back on shore and they gave us free time to shop. wine :D was damn cheap. one bottle was like 30 baht max? thats like.. not even 1 dollar??


went to see fireflies at night around the island.


heeee.

okay anyway no pictures of them because as you know they are minute and my lousy camera from 2004 cant possible catch any of that.

right. there aren't many pictures after this anymore because it was just shop shop shop all the way and im too caught up with paradise to take photos of anything hahaha.
outside platinum.


back in the hotel after a fucking long day and we were still going to khao san in abit. haha.


same thing the next day. just shop shop shop.

oh myanmar airways was cancelled again so we took cathay pacific home which btw, SUCKED BALLS? i am never taking cathay again. such a bad flight man.
i was so tired i could have died. oh oh thai massage was awesomezxz. right. anyway.
singapore sun set :)

ah. home sweet home :D

so i kind of regretted agreeing to go to malaysia the next day cos when the time came for me to wake up i tell ya. all i wanted to do was slip and fall into a concussion just so i could continue resting. proud of myself but i did it anyway. i got up and went to woodlands! with joshy of course. met geok and jace there and headed in.

actually we just went to malaysia to enjoy and walk walk. wasn't for the shopping or whatever. oh right. we went there for the seafood. we watched in time in the afternoon though. 3 sgd. i loved it! and seafood. we ordered a hell lot. and i really mean a hell lot. but it only cost us like 200 rm which was like 20+ sgd each for that much food. my god. so worth it.

yada yada. by the time i came back to sg i was so beat i wanted to die. oh like, no one was in sg cos my sis was in penang and my parents were in korea so, yay me! haha. didn't do anything much also luh. practically wasted my freedom away.

BUT WHATEVER. ITS MY HOLS AND THATS WHAT MATTERS WHOOHOO. BYE.

certain events have led me to believe that people are selfish and incorrigible in all ways. even myself. sometimes we would rather lose something and regret our lives away than put down our pride and make peace. but some things can't be compromised with. dignity. self worth. if you've got them, keep them. always hold on to them. because when you dont, you'll end up like me. always thinking of why i did what i did. ive more regrets than if i had just let go and kept it all. being the bigger person actually makes me feel this small.

as i have lost myself, im unable to look up to the world like i used to. not many would understand, but it stems from something small. unable to clarify my thoughts and make a right move now because everything is a blur and its really tough to continue faking happiness as contrary to what they say, frowning uses less muscles than faking a smile. well, maybe just for me.

when i look into the night sky i count the stars but as i notice how miserable they are in numbers i fade into my bed again, all alone, getting what i deserved.

yay i am a free woman now! i actually regret not doing anything for my 21st HAAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHA. ah whats new. i always do things that i regret. anyway baby surprised me at my house hahahaha








hahahaha yup. i was genuinely surprised. thanks joshy! love you! :)
couldn't stay long with him though :( cos i had to study for my exam the day after ZZZZZZ is life throwing me lemons or what.

anyway went to prawn after my exam though i was hideous and outrageously tired but i refused to go home. haha the place was so nice i had to take a polaroid hehe.




hahaahaha my birthday so i forced geok to take one with me. i had to stop myself from bursting out laughing.

after that i had dinner with my family :) quite happy ah. everyone i loved was there :) yea including joshy! haha how awesome is that.
anyway. sad sad. never do anything for my birthday :( no party no presents HAHAHA. okay fine.

anyway on a lighter note im going bkk in likeeeeeee 3 days hehehe. i know its flooding and all thanks for the concern mah peeps. i'll have a party with the snakes and crocodiles.

ah well. pretty bummed out about my 21st. i'll just go watch my show and day dream. byebye!

So the story goes on down
The less traveled road
It's a variation on
The one I was told
And although it's not the same
It's awful close, yeah

In an ordinary fairy tale land
There's a promise of a perfect happy end
And I imagine having just short of that
Is better than nothing

So you'll be mine
Forever and almost always
And I'll be fine
Just love me when you can, yeah
And I'll wait patiently
I'll wake up everyday
Just hoping that you still care

In the corner of my mind I know too well
Oh, that surely even I deserve the best
But instead of leaving
I just put the issue to bed
And outta my head

Oh, and just when I believe
You've changed for good
Well, you go and prove me wrong
Just like I knew you would
When I run out of second chances
You give me that look
And you're off the hook

You'll be mine
Forever and almost always
It ain't right
To just love me when you can, Oh
I won't wait patiently
Or wake up everyday
Just hoping that you'll still care

-Kate Voegele - Forever And Almost Always

super unhappy that i have exams on my 21st ): no mood to do anything now. ):

it feels good to get everything off my chest after so long. i feel like i've been just living a lie for so long, trying to be something im not by hiding what i think. but its all better now. :)

well exams are coming up and so is my birthday haha. pretty excited. anyway im not gonna put a wishlist because honestly i have not bought my friends presents either because im so broke and 21st presents are really expensive. so i dont want it to be a 1 way thing so im not putting up a wishlist which means for my bitches whom i did not give a present to please do not bother to get me anything, really!

still thinking how im gonna celebrate in the midst of my exams. hmm.

ughhhhhhhhhhhh unhappy.

i have this constant pain in my head and when bright lights (like cars) shine into my eyes my head feels like its going to explode with pain. thats just great. now strong sunlight hurts me and night lights hurt me too. oh well. everyday i just feel like lying in my bed all day long doing nothing like good old times. yea i dont actually care that people around me are moving and i am lying on my bed being stagnant. i just feel like there is nothing worth me fighting for right now. yawn. cant wait for the holidays. gonna sleep my ass off day in day out.

Well then, don't ask me what I'm feeling or thinking when you don't really give a damn.

well everytime i come back to this page i stare of into space for a few minutes then backspace everything and go watch a comedy. how in the good Lord's name did i manage to blog 4-5 times a day. its funny that i had well, more close friends back then but i blogged like a thousand times a week. and now as im growing up i just say what i wanna say to people that have remained in my life.

**the next paragraph is not directed at people who have actually been abused by their partners of some sort but to normal teenagers who were like born, what, yesterday?*

anyway i just HAVE to comment on people who post on fb that they're 'AFRAID TO GET HURT AGAIN' hence single. or tell everyone so that everyone thinks they have been abused or whatever by their boyfriends. gee girls, you are like what, 5 years old? and you talk like you've had 10 relationships of which none of them worked out because all of them dumped your sorry ass for some other girl or whatever reason that makes you so 'AFRAID TO GET HURT AGAIN'. what is this shit. we are young independent women who should never feel like they can't live without a male. or female, your choice. well the point is, YOU'RE WEAK. and if youre waiting for some fucking prince charming to sweep you off your feet and heal you from your wounds and finally propose to you then you can crush that little dream of yours because there is no romeo and you are no juliet. we live in the real world where, at 21 years old, people still date for fun and getting dumped shouldn't mean you have to hide in the darkest corner of your room and count the minutes without him in your life. wow, even saying that last sentence makes me angry.

you know, we've all had our fair share of dickheads (figuratively) and as teenagers we've all had our hearts broken but isnt it all part of the whole dating experience? so what if you gave him alot of things you shouldn't have? all the better, you've kept your end of the relationship agreement. by breaking down its like saying 'IF LIFE THROWS ME A LEMON, IM GONNA SUCK ON IT BECAUSE MY SENSES ARE NUMB FROM THE TEARS THAT I'VE CRIED FOR HIM, MAYBE I'LL RUB THE LEMON ON MY EYES AND CRY SOMEMORE.' wow, i am good. well BULLSHIT. omg im sorry but i can't stand girls who are weak and cry over shit. i really just wanna slap them all. if you're just gonna be so weak then you're just gonna be stepped over your whole life ok? well guess what, the world doesnt need you so get back in the dark corner of your room and suck on that lemon.

COME ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN I JUST WANT FEMALES TO BE MORE INDEPENDENT AND BE THE MAN FOR ONCE IN THE RELATIONSHIP. yea, if you think about it. women are heavily compromised in all areas. geez. getting all worked up now. but off topic. so girls, get your groove on please. go kick some male butt. AND DONT TELL ME LOVE SHOULD BE UNCONDITIONAL GIVING IN AND NO EXPECTATIONS. LEAVE THAT BULLSHIT FOR YOUR DREAMS.

p.s its not that im having side effects from all my failed relationships. im just growing up, bitch. oh and its for girls who feel like their world no longer exists after a breakup, not for couples who are happy :)

i can't take a pussy guy so if youre one would you kindly not step on the ground that i am walking on? you're doing a great job btw josh. you know when to give in and when not to. well, most times anyway ;)

headed to bkk in november btw! pretty excited because its actually my first official trip overseas with friends only (not counting perth in p6 cos there were teachers). and for those of you who know me, i am actually pretty protected so hence, the very first time. all smiles!

school is ending in 4 days. triple all smiles. then it'll be exams on 31st oct, 2nd nov and 5th nov. then thats it! thats the end of my school term. super happy. though, i do have exams on my birthday ITSELF so its a real downer cos i can't exactly have a party since i have exams before, after and on the day itself. heaven must be pleased at its cruel joke.

so anyway. have been really sick lately too. well, figuratively i guess. or not. i dont know. but i have been throwing up a shitload of food for weeks now. yea, so everything i eat i just throw up most of it after that. some days im good though, like today :D what irritates me most is that i spent a shitload of money on the food i eat because, well, i love the sight and taste of good food per se, but not so much when they're all in small chunky bits in my sink eh.

yup. thats all thats been up with me lately.

i fucking hate investment and finance and any subject related. fucking lame. and i just found out i have exam on my birthday. fucking stupid also. damn dulan now. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck my life!

I WANT A REAL 1960S RETRO THEMED PARTY SO BADLY.

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past can be undone

But we carry on our backs the burden time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything, I've held so dear

Though I've tried, I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up better
I should know
So don't come 'round here
And tell me I told you so
-Sarah McLachlan, Fallen

every night without fail, i put on a different sad song and really listen to the words and at the end of it all i just stare into space and ask myself what i am doing with my life. then i browse through facebook and blogs and see the happy faces of everyone in local universities and overseas trips and all and again i stare into space and wonder if that could have been me. ya its like party rock anthem everyday im shuffling but instead, everyday im questioning.

i know its no way to be happy but i think it has become a sick sick sickness as i am constantly trapped in the past. thinking of how i could have written a better history for myself. i knw right. crazy. why not deal with the present so that i can change my future. well, i dont bloody well know. i need help. i dont know where to get it from. every window is closing on me. its funny how the only people who will listen are those who actually can't do shit to help. not saying it out of ungratefulness though. im thankful there are people who are willing to listen to me talk shit though i believe they have no idea what im talking about sometimes.

blah blah blah constant struggle.

i think that i just have to come to terms that in my life i am never going to be 100% happy about anything. because everything is conflicting. i cannot pinpoint a single part of my life that i am even remotely satisfied with, let alone happy.

sometimes i have this strong blind rage and immense hatred for everybody. like now. feeling like a monster. i scare myself when i hear the echo of my screams in my ears. (though, since i do it in a pillow the echo is minimal). don't understand why life has to be so hard though. the people i love the most don't trust and understand me at all. they refuse to listen too. im a good person. i dont deserve all this.

i wish i was never born. seriously. i don't believe i was put on this earth for a reason. oh wait, thats right. it must be - to be miserable. maybe i stay out late every night hoping that something would happen to me and i would be one of those dead bodies you find in bedok reservoir or at the istana. wondering when it will be my turn. afterall, the pain of dying will definitely last shorter than being miserable your whole life.

i know i wont be missed though. the only thing people are going to miss, or rather, regret is all the effort they have put into helping to form my life for the past 21 years. so good bye. i'll fade slowly into the past and soon become only a part of your memories.

OMG HIIIIIIIIIII. first time in the history of my life i am so busy that i couldn't even find time to blog. really leh!!! anyway im done with my assignment which is due tmr aka a few hours time, and jiawen's bday. so now all thats left this week is joshy's bday. busy busy busy. ahhh nothing much going on in my life right now besides school. actually have la but can't type here also so. hahaahah. okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk im going to sleep now. god forbid i oversleep tomorrow. whoohoo! night!

p.s omg i think this period has proven that my mood is majorly affected by stress. cos im like damn high and happy now hahahaahhahhaa okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk BYE

i realised i don't mind going to lecture alone actually. totally 100% okay with it. cos if you sit with friends you're never gonna be able to listen to the lecturer properly cos of all the chatter and sometimes that just irritates me. i think i'll do fine on my own in life.

yea i think im really not a people person. i even hate group projects cos you have to work with others. ah well.

Being a very emotional person I think I've felt almost all the negative emotions in the world and really, heart ache is the worst of all. I don't know how we got here but I'm still trying. Are you? Impatience and frustration seem to be clouding your emotions nowadays. whatever happened to the person I once knew at the start? the one who would tolerate anything. Was it all an act? I'm not even sure.

Feel like I'm just floating around in this world. Souless. Aimless. No real place to go, to return to. Going according to everyone's plans. No opinion of my own. Or rather, no will to voice them out. Pointless. Feel weak. Feel like breaking down. I was never one who could act happy when I'm not. And so, I would never act unhappy when I'm not either. Most of the times I feel nothing. Blank. Feel like a pushover at times. Feel like everything i have to apologize for things that I didn't do wrong. Not because I want to, or feel like I have to for any reason. Just because I am a blank soul who goes with the flow. Like following a life's manual, next step: apologize. And there you go.

It's a sad way to carry on with life but it'll just have to do.

i think im the type of person who shouldn't be allowed to have friends or family. because i am such a jinx that i think i bring bad luck to everyone around me. im serious. and i cause people to get into trouble because of my own irresponsibility. yea the list goes on. i dont deserve anyone.

i'm thankful for the way i was brought up.

omggggggggggggggggggggg i miss the bloody holidays so much. sooooooooo much. sooooooooo much. soooooooo much. im a whiny angsty bitch now. every morning i go to school and whine to sam hahahaha. DAMN TIRED. DAMN SAD. still must do assignments. knnbccb!!!! where is the justice!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! i wanna rewind to 2 weeks back and let my life stop there. RIGHT THERE. in the holidays. ghaweoifhnwieo fnwoeif jwieofoiewfjweoifjoiwejfowocnwfeoiwe932rh230thg23ghnwoenvoewfj3o2ihr9h32goiewnvoineovenvevneovnoiernvo

sigh. okay. snap fingers. back to reality.

Top 10 lies men tell:
10: sorry, my phone died
9: she's just a friend
8: i'm fine!
7: hey, you look nice
6: which girl? i didnt notice
5: i'll be rdy in 5 mins
4: im out with the boys
3: can't talk, im in a meeting/busy
2: im on the way!
1: i never lie

LOOOL from herworld magazine. i think 5 is more for girls but the rest, yep. HAHAHAAH JOSHUA WE ALWAYS ARGUE ABOUT NUMBER 6 HAHAHAHAA damn funny.

baby told me that he loves me and he swears on the moon and the stars.
to me, love is like the moon. it doesnt show its true self everyday. then once a month on a special day like an anniversary or something, it becomes full and glowing. its not a signal that love is the strongest then. its just that on that day people do things in a full blown manner to let the other person know that they love them. and every other day even during an eclipse, you may think that the love is not there anymore. but what you can't see doesn't mean its not there.

i know to josh its just a song he heard on the radio hahahaahahahaha confirm. yup but baby this is what it means to me.

feelings of loss, despair.
too familiar.
so tired of becoming frustrated and not being able to do anything about it but cry.
the feeling that your chest is collapsing and you are gasping for all the air you can get when you are trying to stop the tears from falling. a million 'why's and 'how did it end up this way' swirling in your head.

you know you've lost the battle when the first tear falls.

i just realised that it doesn't matter if you say sorry first after an argument. cos no matter who apologises first the other party will surely feel a sense of achievement and some what subconsciously feel that they are right. thus, everything you screamed to them during the argument which you sincerely hope they change and do something about it just goes to waste. cos you lost and they won. its all just a game isnt it. there will always be a loser and a winner.

well and if you don't apologise then you are the bitch who refuse to let the argument die down. either way you're screwed. its just short term or long term.

im pathetic. i can't control my own emotions.

i can't believe i have to go back to school tomorrow and start doing all those shit assignments that i know nothing about, all over again. damn fucked up ah. no mood, dont even wanna stay in bed all day cos its so bloody hot. and i'll probably be changing my sheets once a week not once in two weeks cos of all the sweat. gross? yea. my house has no ventilation whatsoever.

oh boy, what a bad start to the first day of school. totally blaming myself too cos if i didn't fail i would be starting school next week. fml much srsly. and there are s many things i wanna do but money is such a mofo prob nowadays. bloody stressed. FMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFMLFML K BYE.

happy half year baby. i guess its true that time flies when you're having fun :)

"Dr Marti Olsen Laney, author of The Introvert Advantage found that introverts get their energy from their own selves. Like their emotions, ideas and impressions of the world around them. In other words, talking to someone about their problems only works if you're an extroverted person. For introverts, Laney argues that the best thing you can offer is silence to give her the chance to process her thoughts."

-Cleo, July issue

LOL SEE JOSH ITS BAD (for me) IF I TELL YOU EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME.

oh something else.

"When men are feeling down, they don't tell each other "Whats going on bro? Go ahead and cry." They head to a pub to watch soccer. It might seem cold but what it tells the other person is that when you're ready to talk, im here to listen."

so true. i hate it when people force me to tell them whats wrong. if i wanna say, I WILL.

Pandora
by Micha F. Lindemans

In Greek mythology, Pandora was the first woman on earth. Zeus ordered Hephaestus, the god of craftsmanship, to create her and he did, using water and earth. The gods endowed her with many talents; Aphrodite gave her beauty, Apollo music, Hermes persuasion, and so forth. Hence her name: Pandora, "all-gifted".

When Prometheus stole fire from heaven, Zeus took vengeance by presenting Pandora to Epimetheus, Prometheus' brother. With her, Pandora had a jar which she was not to open under any circumstance. Impelled by her natural curiosity, Pandora opened the jar, and all evil contained escaped and spread over the earth. She hastened to close the lid, but the whole contents of the jar had escaped, except for one thing which lay at the bottom, and that was Hope.

SUPER interesting haha. no wonder girls like to cry. made of earth and water lmao. and and girls have EVERYTHING. haha like all the talents.

ya but apparently girls cause alot of trouble --

-i was actually rudely interrupted at this point by a small black jumping spider. you know, the ones that you can never catch with a tissue cos they will jump and you'll be like "homg (run for cover)" so i drowned it in deodorant and water then slammed an old magazine on it. WHOSE JUMPING NOW YOU EIGHT (i actually typed EGG, lol, proof reading ftw) LEGGED FREAK.-

anyway, girls cause alot of trouble -mostly self inflicted-, then start crying in despair cos pandora, being a bitch, left Hope in her stupid box. HAHA SO COOL. i love mythologies.

went for facial w cheryl just now! ya, 10 hours ago and my face is still like, blotchy red leh. damn sad ah. cheryl's was like clear after 30mins -_- i think my blood circulation not good, SAD FACEEEEEEEE. anw finally intro josh to her haha.

oh fuck i just checked my timetable for next sem and 90% of my lessons are 830am lessons. omfg omfg omfg omfg i think of squeezing on the mother f* MRT all the way to dover i really wanna cry. fucking no mood sia. i was gonna say i wish i was working but if im working i may have to reach earlier sometimes and i can't even be late so NO I TAKE IT ALL BACK.

fml ):

i guess a lot of people don't understand when i tell them about how bad my day was when i have a fight with well, them. last friday i had a fight with them and on saturday there was this dinner with everyone else. i waited and waited the whole day for them to call me and tell me the details of the dinner. time, venue, whether im turning up, etc. but nothing. you might say they were punishing me for the fight on friday but it was more than that to me.

i felt like i was not wanted anywhere. trust me, i am not inflicting this pain onto myself. it just comes. and they won't hear me out. they will never apologise for something that was obviously their fault and irresponsibility. its been like that my whole life. dont get me wrong, its not the apology im looking for. its the acceptance. they may think its not a big deal that they did not inform me of the details and stuff. but i just suffered yet another blow from their negligence. emotional negligence.

i still well up everytime i think about it. which is why i like to put eyeliner on my bottom lid. to force myself to keep the tears in. its hard to explain the pain in my heart. that's why when people ask me about it i can only say i dont want to talk about it. because i dont know how to and when i do, it always sounds a lot less serious than it is. you will never understand how i felt when i walked into the restaurant that day and saw them sitting together, looking perfect, without me. you seriously cannot imagine the hurt. and there's no use talking to them. because all i have to say is either 'rude' or 'useless'. my whole life i've been trained to shut the fuck up and this is why i only pen down my thoughts and why i am referred to as many of my friends as a 'mute'. because my whole life, i have been watching quietly from the outside, having no say. its become a habit. but its good i guess. cos it stops me from screaming shut the fuck up bitch to everyone that pisses me off.

i too, will never understand why they so gladly accept her him but not my him. stereotyping was never something i liked doing. which is why i never ever ever judge a book by its cover. its the heart that matters to me. not money, not their prospects (for now). yea, maybe im so pathetic that i feel close to anything that can give me emotional assurance. because i am so fucking in need of it.

don't tell me im lucky i even have them. i rather not have them and live the rest of my life not knowing how good it could have been than to have them and know that its never gonna get any better.

i dreamt that i was eating a banana and halfway through i looked down and the banana was like black in the middle. then i turned around and asked josh if the banana is spoilt and he said yes and i bent over and vomited and vomited over and over and over again.

i have bad dreams.

give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take. give and take.


and most importantly, find that moment of peace.

i never used to think of myself this way but now i think i am ready to admit that i do bear grudges. and some for a very long time. most, maybe.

anyway, dont really know whats the whole hype about xiaxue's post on 'Trust'. like duh, you don't trust ANYONE totally right. i'm not agreeing with her, im just saying its a matter of fact that everyone keeps a little something to themselves. duh. i mean sometimes i dont tell joshua what i'm doing and who i'm texting not because i dont trust him but believe me, i find it utterly ridiculous to give him a play by play of my life. seriously, who makes their other half do that anyway? i know, a alot of people. self check please, your partner is not your puppet which you control with strings.

i still take my stand that i do not like josh to check my phone and so, i will not check his either. privacy. super important to me. i know that when my mom clears my room for me once in a blue moon, she goes through all my stuff. and a part of me hates it cos there are so many things lying around that if i wanted to show her, we would have been best friends already. so i strongly believe that privacy comes first. despite what people say, "if he has nothing to hide he won't be so pissed w me checking his phone/stuff". BULLSHIT, I SAY. slap yourself in the face people. you DARE tell me SERIOUSLY that when your partner checks your phone, there even isn't this TINY, TINY, TINY bit of unwillingness in you? despite you telling your friends that its mutual and you dont mind? i dont believe. everyone wants to have a part of them that they can keep to themselves that's why no one is really willing to open up to just anyone that they meet or let anyone go through their things for the sake of it.

and if its about cheating then i think its all in perspective. like, believe it or not, i trust that joshua will never ever cheat on me. no matter how jiawen insists that all men cheat hahaha. i said this before sometime back, but people only get suspicious of people when they themselves are doing the same thing. and more often than other its true. if you talk to other guys behind your bf's back (guys that your bf stated very clearly that he does not like you talking to them), then you are bound to suspect your bf of talking to girls that you don't like, thus checking his phone and in turn making him want to check yours. mutual irritation. if you backstab your friend, you will be wondering what she's saying behind your back too. i guess its like karma. you are the one who did something bad first, and in the end you suffer.

anyway. this is not a topic on trust so please dont tell me it has no link whatsoever. just thinking of the small things we put our partners through when i believe most of the time we are just thinking too much. if you believe that your death has been predestined, then please also believe that everything that happens in your life has already been planned, written and read a thousand times by the big guy up there.


ANYWAY, VISIT &SUPPORT JIAWEN'S BLOGSHOP K?



ehh,i blog alot so i will push up your ad jiawen hahahahaha.

It's funny how I have a blog but no one really knows who I am.
laugh.

i think, i'm really lonely inside.

hihiii please visit jiawen's blogshop above and support pls! awesome accessories! click click click above!


:(( the stupid SIM invoice put very very clearly that my ER is a repeat subject. fuck sia i thought i can just hide it from my parents till i graduate. rahhhh. low morale now. fucking sian also. like forever making my parents unhappy ah. zz.

自责 自责 自责 自责 自责 自责自责 自责自责自责 自责 自责 自责.........

awww everytime i watch 13 going on 30 i cry. its undeniably my favourite movie ever.

sometimes i feel like there's nothing to live for. while everyone is bustling about with their lives i'm standing still. i'm the only one thats left who can see whats wrong with everything and yet i alone can't do anything to change it. like swimming, constant struggle shall only drown you in the end.

Britney's Femme Fatale album is starting to grow on me. pretty good in my opinion.

oh wow i haven't charged my itouch in like more than a week and its still full bar HAHAHAHA didn't know the batt could last so long.

i feel like these few days im just on autopilot and i don't remember much of the day or anything significant. anyway, i think yesterday (wed) was one of the days where i travelled a shitload and didn't cab at all. yay me. went to school (clementi) to get my enrollment shit done. then travelled to airport to meet jiawen for awhile while she was working. then travelled to josh's house to see him like for 2 hours cos he was having nights out. yep by the time i was home i just blacked out on my bed.

i was just thinking, there is something common among guys who've never had a girlfriend before. or you know, a proper serious adult long term relationship. being someone who has had her fair share of being a guys first girlfriend i noticed that they all have tend to treat their girlfriends like a princess. its not a bad thing for me duh, but its not good for them you know what i mean? they need to know that real relationships are not what they see on television, all rosy and happy and everyday is like anniversary day. its really sweet and all but just, unrealistic? i dont know. i know i sound like a party pooper here but i guess im just more towards reality. i have my fairytale dreams but i dont ever expect them to come true.

putting eyeliner at the bottom of your eyes is an awesome way to stop yourself from crying. we dont want black streaks down our face now do we?

Note to self: do not get too attached to anyone because they are all going to leave one day.

okay im tired and im having a headache, yet i can't sleep. super annoyed right now because i'm hungry too. its not like i didn't try, i went to sleep at 1plus and here i am now. it annoys me even more that i have no snacks at home. pfffft.

anyway i don't know why people think its lame to blog. maybe because i have so many thoughts that i would just implode and die if i didn't release some of them somewhere. blogging has changed since secondary school. people dont give a play by play of their lives anymore, its kinda more like just a place for you to be a little more pensive and reflect on your life as it passes? i dont know. but blogging is definitely not lame.

i think its bad enough that im not doing something that im interested in and this degree will follow me for life uh. then i'll spend my entire life doing something i hate uh. nevermind, will make the best out of it. sigh, spent my whole life being a nobody. when will i be a somebodyyyyyyyy. i try not to let failure affect me but i can't uh. im easily swayed and right now i really believe my failure is going to affect me. ugh, nevermind. i need to start hanging out with people with goals in their life who can inspire me. mm. im barely halfway through my life. i will get somewhere. yup i will.

TIME TO BUCK UP.

how do we deal with criticism? i guess sometimes we just get angry when people are spot on with whatever they are criticizing us with. my take is that we just don't care for criticisms that we are already aware of. sometimes there are just certain topics that are taboo. one of them for me, is studies. and i know people are supposed to want to do better when they are looked down on for something but not me. criticisms just bring me down further until i give up. so if you wanna see me fail in life, please, go ahead and keep talking about how stupid i am and what a failure i am.

i guess thats why sometimes friends are better. because they dont invade into these private spaces that are inside the corners of your mind. just tucked away because you are ashamed of the fact that you couldn't achieve what you wanted to. but i guess life isn't always a bed of roses and people who are closer to you are there to remind you and wake you up to reality.

i dont know which to be thankful for. but it doesnt change the fact that it annoys the shit out of me when people talk about such topics. i need to convince myself that people are just doing it for my own good and not judging or anything.

aiya everything is just fucked up now. super unhappy with my life. dont even feel like meeting with anyone but if i dont then maybe i will really lose all my friends so, bo bian.

sometimes i like to push people away and see if they come back. i believe that if someone really regards you as a friend of importance they will keep coming back. i do it to everyone. i push everyone away at some point. just that sometimes, they dont come back and i have to go chasing after them because im scared to lose them too. fail. maybe i should stop doing that. because i really believe that if you love someone, you will break through all the walls to get to them. you wont give up even if they push you away. its a simple concept but not many people understand it. im getting tired of explaining myself. guess i shall just go with the flow, have no stand or takes on how i should be treated. because people just dont understand. im tired.


I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don’t believe it makes me real
I’d thought it’d be easy
But no on believes me
I meant all the things that I said

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don’t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it’s so crazy that nothing could save me
But it’s the only thing that I have

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I'm trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own
-sum41, pieces

a song that always speaks to me.


its just one of those days where i just wanna lie on my bed and watch the world go by. just wanna feel what its like to be dead. to leave the worries to someone else. just cry it out. cry it out.

after today, i conclude that there is absolutely nothing to be thankful for in my life.

You know what Napoleon gave Josephine as a wedding present?
It was a gold locket & on the inside he made an inscription:
Destiny.

-The Terminal

its a beautiful show people, i swear.