today i had a meltdown. as much as i do not want to care i really cant ignore it. its a lesson i have to learn from the way everyone treats me in life. i've been taking these lessons for years but i have yet to graduate.

i try and try to get into people's good books but i need to understand that if i were never a page to begin with, i can't. i can do all the shit in the world but i will not get recognition or gratitude. all i get is more nagging. all they can see are flaws. no one looks at effort. no one. of course, being a 22 year old near adult, i am not going to sulk over it. neither am i going to demand that they see through my invisibility. all i can do is have a good tear bath and face them like nothing ever happened. after all, thats what i am to people. just a rock with no emotions.


on a lighter note, the heavens must have sensed my despair towards myself and the people in my life and thus, let me win mahjong today :) it is by far the luckiest day of all my mahjong days. hehe. :)

joshy and i are going to start running tomorrow! so excited for us both to lose weight :)
dental tomorrow at 230! will some kind soul please call me at 130 if you can hahaha. i doubt i can wake up in time.

better days will come.
im surprised at how easily i let things go nowadays. must be growing up. hm.