Closure

So I'm on MC today and everyone else is up to their necks with their own relationships/projects/work. And as my music echoes through the house which is about to be smothered by raindrops, I think of you. And my heart aches. Aches at the irony that we really are better off as friends. I know that you probably do not come to this space any more because you have so much pent up resentment. You gave me all you had, literally and I gave you all my love. We were too in love to realise where it was headed and I will not make that mistake again.

I'm not reminiscing - I'm holding on to some qualities and values that I want in a man. The qualities that you had but as fate had to have it, we were really not meant to be. We were too similar for our own good. We both had big dreams - which we used to belittle each other. We both felt like we were giving our 120% but it was never enough because only 10% of that was what we expected of each other. Of course it wasn't enough. That really brings meaning to the phrase 'Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.'

We were too quick witted for each other. You countered all my quick remarks (like Taylor Swift sang) but no matter how good we were at that, we were never that good at damage control. We loved hard but fought harder. For every bright light in our relationship; there were 10 more shadows to bring us both down. It didn't matter that no one saw what I saw in you. A man with big dreams both for yourself and for me to live comfortably, a man who didn't let people bring him down and takes criticism as space to improve (too good to be true but it is). A man who wouldn't settle for less.

But that's all.

I will not love the same way again. I will love differently and throw away my fear of change.

Goodbye my love.

nothing gold can stay

i don't know why but i tend to fuck up everything thats good in my life. my overly cynical character makes me suspicious of any good thing that comes along my way. i cant blame it on experience; i can only blame myself for letting it affect my outlook on people who truly care. 

someday i'll be cured. 

I have an attitude even my mother can't love. 

I'm feeling down again. After occupying my time with work and meetups I still end up exactly where I am supposed to be. And that's alone. 

A breather.

I really regret not doing anything useful when I had the time to. Now I stay in the office till 7 plus everyday and when the weekends come, all I wanna do is sleep. I can't help but feel like I'm wasting and have wasted my youth away. I heard this tends to happen when you hate your job haha. 

I really want to have a short getaway at the end of the year to get away from all this shit. So I'm going to save so hard from today. No usage of cards unless I absolutely need to! I just wanna disappear in another country and be by myself for awhile. 

Where are all my friends anyway? It's not that I need anyone urgently since I always manage to pick myself up but it would be nice to know that the people I have so much faith in actually gave a shit about how I'm getting along. Now I know why people prioritize their boyfriends over friends. In the long run you're going to lose both anyway. Silly me.

Right. 

Rebirth

It's the end of the storm with just drizzles left. While I stand and feel the light patter on my face, I feel a weight being lifted off me. I see the shadows follow the dark clouds into another dimension. A dimension that isn't mine to explore.

All the screaming, fighting, disagreements will follow the shadows. But the pain will remain. Hopefully with what remaining drizzles there are, it will all pass.

Tonight the drizzling will stop. And tomorrow will be sunny once again. because no one likes to be under black clouds. 

So for myself, tomorrow I'll be born again. 

Just tonight.

Tonight I feel awful.

I have never felt more alone in my life. I am so tired of crying. My heart cannot take anymore aching. I don't know how many people I have to lose before I truly understand the meaning of 'You never miss the water till it's gone'.

What is this that I am feeling? It's not guilt nor regret, it's literal heartache. I know that I am stronger than this but a part of me doesn't want to be. This part of me at this point of time just wants to wallow in self pity and ignore the world for a little while. The whole world but you.

Are you thinking of me too?
Are you missing me like I am missing you?

The worst part has got to be facing it alone. Because, where the fuck is everybody when you need them right?

Moving forward.

I've been so tired and busy that I, Cherryl, didn't have the energy and time to blog. I have to say that just after 3 weeks I already feel like a working adult (which I think I am) and I never ever thought I would remember bus and train schedules. Like ever. Well I'm proud to say I've only been late like twice in 3 weeks. And its mostly because I couldn't squeeze up the friggin train not because I woke up late. I've also mastered the art of walking at amazing speeds and dodging oncoming pedestrains like a ninja. 

All in all work has been so fun and I'm really starting to ignore people who look down on my job or who don't get that everyone has to start somewhere. Because these people are not going to grow with you so you might as well drop them like they're hot. I've come to realise that support is really important and it helps if your friends are at the same stage of life as you are or same situation. 

I was quick to judge the people in my class during the first week but now at my third week I'm really regretting judging them so quickly because they are actually all SUCH nice people. :') I need to kick my bad trait of being introverted. Believe me I am trying but there really are a lot of times throughout the day where I just feel like being alone. 

Most of all, I've found this new zest for life and my 20s. I'm not going to waste the prime of my life sulking and bitching about trivial people and matters. I hope my friends would grow with me and share the same passion for living life.

Wah type sibei long. HAHAHA the person upstairs was like my inner voice. and here i am! sound more normal right. anyway i had the worst day ever but tomorrow is a new day hahaha. okay im actually down with a flu and fever and i feel like there's an alien in my uterus slowly ripping it apart. if ya know what i mean. hehe night my little ducklings. 

Happy halfway-mark anniversary spiderpig! Thank you for loving me and accepting me for exactly who I am. ilu! 

Being content.

So recently I've felt like people are being freaking nice to me and I don't deserve it at all. Why would anyone bother to be nice to someone who, for the better half of her life, only bring people around me down? But there are really such friends who exist and I can cry thinking of how nice people are to me. Not enough words to express how guilty I feel for being so negative all the time, even when people are constantly trying to make me feel better. 

I think it really all boils down to how well someone knows you. Like Lucien was being really really sweet last week. After expressing what a shitty day I had on my first day and all, he said he would ask me how work went till I finally tell him that it went alright. Even if he doesnt do it after that, the gesture really goes a long way. 

And Peiwen and G were being so nice. This is kinda personal so I wont type it out but they are lifesavers and they know me the best.

And even this morning, Joshy surprised me and sent me to Joyce's ROM. Even if he didn't mean to surprise me it made me really really happy cos afterall he's in the midst of exams and all. Thank you babypie for understanding so well what I need :) 

And how did i get so lucky to attend joyce's wedding and be her maid of honor, i will never know. And furthermore i stepped on her gown and it ripped HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAH I HOPE YOU STILL LOVE ME JOYCE. 

And recently i started talking to Nichy again. And the best thing was there was no awkwardness at all. Like, how did i get so lucky? He is really the only guy friend I love so much besides lucien. sigh. 

And my parents are so freaking nice too. ah i wont elaborate but HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY? 

I needa count my blessings everyday so that i wont end up emoing about stupid shit again. I LOVE ALL OF YOU! 

HOMG I'm so excited for tomorrow!!

I want to let go. I wish I could.

So I'm not sure if I'm just fickle like that or if this is called being open to new experiences. 

You know how sometimes you don't contact someone for more than a year and sooner or later they become like one of the old things you throw out from your room because you don't use them anymore. That sorta thing. Not throw out, in this case of course, just give up on the r/s. But as you know, my friends are really the second most important thing in my life, like a second family. So everytime I 'reconnect' with one of them it gives me this flicker of hope that things might go back to the way they used to. 

Maybe not the way they used to, but you get the gist. Not the awkward conversations and catching up but more of comfort and saying whatever the hell you want. I know I think too much and everyone nowadays don't really think of such stuff anymore haha. Anyway the point is, I was happy to be given the chance to talk to an old friend today and I really miss when it was just me and her against the world in the past. 

Well, I'm as bad at saying I miss you as i am at saying goodbye so -shuffle feet awkwardly- I miss you tiffanie and all the dumb shit we used to do together. 

Sigh, I don't know why I feel like shit all the time. I'm so sick of feeling like shit. I can't seem to find that place inside me where I am happy with what I have. I just keep wanting and wanting. I'm so sick of not being good enough. I need to work myself to death to be good enough. I'm going to work myself to death to be good enough.

I feel that the best 'conversations' are those which you need not speak yet every word you wish to say can be heard.

I actually have a lot of posts that I didn't have the discipline to finish so I'm gonna try and finish this one.

I've come to realise that I am rather obsessive. and for this I actually think Whatsapp is a very very bad app for obsessive people because you are able to check when the person was last online and recently I get annoyed when people are online but don't reply. It's kinda consuming me so I think I'll try and stop.

Oh anyway I got a job like 2 weeks ago. Ohyea my first step into my successful career in a bank haha. Let me just make it clear that the process of looking for a part time job and a full time job are completely different. And people often like to compare which really really annoys me. I'd say that I'm satisfied with what I got because I have been diligently looking since last December without any help from anyone. Yep, no referrals. And being very sentimental I'm actually going to miss the entire process of reading up on all the companies to prep for the interviews, listing out possible qsts and answers, finding the right clothes for interviews, etc. But I guess what I miss the most is the thrill of being shortlisted for an interview that you really want. And this is the fine line between part time and full time jobs I guess. I believe your first job is extremely important to building a bridge to your dream career. I have friends who actually told me to just take any random admin job to get by first but I guess it wasn't in my plan to do so.

Another fine line is between the money and what you actually are good at. I'm glad I found a balance between the two for my first job. Bear in mind, what you're good at may not be your interest and you may not be good at what you're interested in. So, some things to think about.

Really excited to start work although I don't show it cos everyone around me seems to be having their own problems and all. Sometimes I think as we grow older there's no one left to genuine listen to your concerns. Everyone just wants a chance to say what's on their mind. So if you have any such friends left, do hang on to them. Cos people do get tired of listening, despite what they may tell you.


Goodnight!

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I ever had.

Death by a heartache.

I fucking hate myself and my lack of self pride and self love. I need to kill myself and scrub this earth of this useless piece of existence.

I think I have some psych problem. Cos the worse people treat me, the nicer I wanna treat them. And I won't quit till I'm truly exhausted.