tonight is just one of those nights where i have a lot of time on my hands thus i end up thinking of a lot of shitty stuff. the topic for tonight is that i am a pushover. im not even going to say im nice, im just plainly a pushover.

im sure we've all had those moments in life where we wanted to please someone just so that they would appreciate you and bond with you and be your best friend for life. i used to be this dumb. up till JC, i always had this urge to please people around me. i thought that if they were happy, i would be too. but there will never be a single situation where both parties are happy. i know what you're thinking, if its a compromise then both will be happy right? nope. the fact that you compromised means you didn't get 100% of what you want. and sometimes you only end up with 20% after a compromise because compromising means you will not end up with nothing but you will get at least something, which is that miserable 20%.

i guess i just need to thank life (and maybe any remaining brains i have) for showing me that its just not possible. something always cocks up; like people not saying thank you, or not even recognizing that i don't need to be doing whatever it is that made them happy but i did anyway. i probably just sound like im praising myself but im really not. because im a dumb bitch. people only miss the water when its gone. they are not going to remember you for something nice that you did. they are only going to remember that you exist when they want something done and don't have the right person for the job. that's the harsh truth.

i have probably made my fair share of mistakes in this department. i forgot people who were nice to me. made them give up and distance themselves. but at least i live with the regrets of what could have been. some people just live on without ever thinking about the mistakes they have made. usually not thinking about your mistakes and moving forward is the way to go but not for human relationships. keep making the same mistake and you lose everyone who ever cared for you. and you are stuck with everyone you care about who don't remember the nice things you've done for them either.

the saddest part is when you do something nice for someone but you are still invisible in their eyes. i guess everybody has their favourites.