in an extremely solemn mood tonight. no music, no phone, just me and my thoughts.

i think there comes a point in life where you realise that holy shit, you're not 20 anymore, you're twenty fucking TWO. and there are just some things that you shouldn't be playing around with anymore.

family is the first. i mean, if your relationship with your family is bad at this age, its probably going to stay like this for the rest of your life and theirs. after a certain age, its just plain awkward to make things right. unless of course, your life is a fucking dramatic tv series where you find out you have cancer and then the whole world suddenly seems to give a shit. well guess what? you are healthy and your relationship with your parents still suck. i think its quite sad that your family is never going to accept you for who you are and after so many years together they still think they can change you to be someone they want you to be. lack of effort, bad communication, you name it. im not going to lie. my relationship with my family is so bad i can cry when they do something nice for me out of the blue because i will feel so loved. other than that, silence. which of course, was cool during teenage years but now it just stinks.

i will never understand why they dont see eye to eye with me and they are never going to condone my behaviour, ever. relationship with my sister is no better. if we can live under the same roof just next door to each other and not talk for weeks, i think when we get our own houses and all, we wont be talking for years. which sucks, duh. because i do love her as much as she tends to be a bitch sometimes. i will never stop standing up for her to anyone who puts her down but thats about it. yes surely some of you are going "its never too late". fuck that shit. i'll trade shoes with you for a day and you'll see what im talking about.

secondly, friendships. okay, i give up. there are some people that are just NOT GOING TO GIVE A FUCKING SHIT NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU TRY. because they are fucking self obsessed in their own fucking world and everything is about them them them. at this age, i really dont give a shit if you call me up when you break up or when your exams were very tough and what not. so save me the trouble of entertaining you just because you are a fucking long time friend and just go bother some of your other 'friends'. im not afraid to say this because i know i've done my part as a friend. you know why? cos if you dont have a close family connection, the next group of people you will turn to are your friends right? so i used to treasure these fucking friends like damn a lot but not anymore. you dont deserve a single piece of attention from me, not even from my middle finger.

i dont get it sometimes. is it that hard to just call someone up if you miss them or wanna keep in touch instead of waiting to be called every single FUCKING TIME. where the fuck is your effort? yes im angry. because i wasted so much time on you bitches. if i could go back in time now i would surely tell past me not to entertain your snotty little bitch asses.

then of course there are friends like jiawen whom you know loves you and you will love them till you die cos seriously, friends like her are so hard to come by. the effort is just, inexplicable. friends like her, i am willing to do anything for (within my means) because i know she'd do the same. geok, who yes, likes to disappear but when you are in deep shit she will come running to you. and thats the kind of friend we all need cos at this age, I KNOW PEOPLE START RUNNING AWAY WHEN YOU ARE IN DEEP SHIT. and of course, friends like pea who you cannot imagine life without though sometimes you wanna bitch slap them cos they know you inside out but thats normal in our friendship hehe.

thirdly, relationships. ok im not gonna talk about this, was gonna but not anymore. cos i haven't learnt anything that i will carry with me for life. all im carrying are my regrets.

SO, i guess thats it for today.