The worst part has got to be facing it alone. Because, where the fuck is everybody when you need them right?

Moving forward.

I've been so tired and busy that I, Cherryl, didn't have the energy and time to blog. I have to say that just after 3 weeks I already feel like a working adult (which I think I am) and I never ever thought I would remember bus and train schedules. Like ever. Well I'm proud to say I've only been late like twice in 3 weeks. And its mostly because I couldn't squeeze up the friggin train not because I woke up late. I've also mastered the art of walking at amazing speeds and dodging oncoming pedestrains like a ninja. 

All in all work has been so fun and I'm really starting to ignore people who look down on my job or who don't get that everyone has to start somewhere. Because these people are not going to grow with you so you might as well drop them like they're hot. I've come to realise that support is really important and it helps if your friends are at the same stage of life as you are or same situation. 

I was quick to judge the people in my class during the first week but now at my third week I'm really regretting judging them so quickly because they are actually all SUCH nice people. :') I need to kick my bad trait of being introverted. Believe me I am trying but there really are a lot of times throughout the day where I just feel like being alone. 

Most of all, I've found this new zest for life and my 20s. I'm not going to waste the prime of my life sulking and bitching about trivial people and matters. I hope my friends would grow with me and share the same passion for living life.

Wah type sibei long. HAHAHA the person upstairs was like my inner voice. and here i am! sound more normal right. anyway i had the worst day ever but tomorrow is a new day hahaha. okay im actually down with a flu and fever and i feel like there's an alien in my uterus slowly ripping it apart. if ya know what i mean. hehe night my little ducklings. 

Happy halfway-mark anniversary spiderpig! Thank you for loving me and accepting me for exactly who I am. ilu! 

Being content.

So recently I've felt like people are being freaking nice to me and I don't deserve it at all. Why would anyone bother to be nice to someone who, for the better half of her life, only bring people around me down? But there are really such friends who exist and I can cry thinking of how nice people are to me. Not enough words to express how guilty I feel for being so negative all the time, even when people are constantly trying to make me feel better. 

I think it really all boils down to how well someone knows you. Like Lucien was being really really sweet last week. After expressing what a shitty day I had on my first day and all, he said he would ask me how work went till I finally tell him that it went alright. Even if he doesnt do it after that, the gesture really goes a long way. 

And Peiwen and G were being so nice. This is kinda personal so I wont type it out but they are lifesavers and they know me the best.

And even this morning, Joshy surprised me and sent me to Joyce's ROM. Even if he didn't mean to surprise me it made me really really happy cos afterall he's in the midst of exams and all. Thank you babypie for understanding so well what I need :) 

And how did i get so lucky to attend joyce's wedding and be her maid of honor, i will never know. And furthermore i stepped on her gown and it ripped HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHAH I HOPE YOU STILL LOVE ME JOYCE. 

And recently i started talking to Nichy again. And the best thing was there was no awkwardness at all. Like, how did i get so lucky? He is really the only guy friend I love so much besides lucien. sigh. 

And my parents are so freaking nice too. ah i wont elaborate but HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY? 

I needa count my blessings everyday so that i wont end up emoing about stupid shit again. I LOVE ALL OF YOU! 

HOMG I'm so excited for tomorrow!!

I want to let go. I wish I could.

So I'm not sure if I'm just fickle like that or if this is called being open to new experiences. 

You know how sometimes you don't contact someone for more than a year and sooner or later they become like one of the old things you throw out from your room because you don't use them anymore. That sorta thing. Not throw out, in this case of course, just give up on the r/s. But as you know, my friends are really the second most important thing in my life, like a second family. So everytime I 'reconnect' with one of them it gives me this flicker of hope that things might go back to the way they used to. 

Maybe not the way they used to, but you get the gist. Not the awkward conversations and catching up but more of comfort and saying whatever the hell you want. I know I think too much and everyone nowadays don't really think of such stuff anymore haha. Anyway the point is, I was happy to be given the chance to talk to an old friend today and I really miss when it was just me and her against the world in the past. 

Well, I'm as bad at saying I miss you as i am at saying goodbye so -shuffle feet awkwardly- I miss you tiffanie and all the dumb shit we used to do together. 

Sigh, I don't know why I feel like shit all the time. I'm so sick of feeling like shit. I can't seem to find that place inside me where I am happy with what I have. I just keep wanting and wanting. I'm so sick of not being good enough. I need to work myself to death to be good enough. I'm going to work myself to death to be good enough.

I feel that the best 'conversations' are those which you need not speak yet every word you wish to say can be heard.

I actually have a lot of posts that I didn't have the discipline to finish so I'm gonna try and finish this one.

I've come to realise that I am rather obsessive. and for this I actually think Whatsapp is a very very bad app for obsessive people because you are able to check when the person was last online and recently I get annoyed when people are online but don't reply. It's kinda consuming me so I think I'll try and stop.

Oh anyway I got a job like 2 weeks ago. Ohyea my first step into my successful career in a bank haha. Let me just make it clear that the process of looking for a part time job and a full time job are completely different. And people often like to compare which really really annoys me. I'd say that I'm satisfied with what I got because I have been diligently looking since last December without any help from anyone. Yep, no referrals. And being very sentimental I'm actually going to miss the entire process of reading up on all the companies to prep for the interviews, listing out possible qsts and answers, finding the right clothes for interviews, etc. But I guess what I miss the most is the thrill of being shortlisted for an interview that you really want. And this is the fine line between part time and full time jobs I guess. I believe your first job is extremely important to building a bridge to your dream career. I have friends who actually told me to just take any random admin job to get by first but I guess it wasn't in my plan to do so.

Another fine line is between the money and what you actually are good at. I'm glad I found a balance between the two for my first job. Bear in mind, what you're good at may not be your interest and you may not be good at what you're interested in. So, some things to think about.

Really excited to start work although I don't show it cos everyone around me seems to be having their own problems and all. Sometimes I think as we grow older there's no one left to genuine listen to your concerns. Everyone just wants a chance to say what's on their mind. So if you have any such friends left, do hang on to them. Cos people do get tired of listening, despite what they may tell you.


Goodnight!

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I ever had.

Death by a heartache.

I fucking hate myself and my lack of self pride and self love. I need to kill myself and scrub this earth of this useless piece of existence.

I think I have some psych problem. Cos the worse people treat me, the nicer I wanna treat them. And I won't quit till I'm truly exhausted.

There are bigger problems in the world than yours and mine.

Don't give up on me.

Opened my eyes, it was only just a dream.

Today's topic is 'Best Female Friend' aka BFF. (inspired by Xiaxue's latest video on clicknetwork)

I guess a lot of you have like a BFF that you share your dirty secrets with, your fashion sense, your  daily experiences and stuff. But sad to say I don't have one. hahaha. I used to have a lot of friends. Like, not boasting, but seriously, a lot. And I always thought of Cheryl as my BFF cos we used to be BFF until we went to different schools and everything. So obviously she can't be counted as my BFF cos we don't even know what's going on in each other's lives. I know there's a saying that best friends don't have to meet everyday and even if they meet after 10000 years they always know what to say and it will never be awkward. that's bullshit I tell you. how can someone be considered your best friend if you don't meet for 10000 years and you guys don't bother to update each other on what's new in your life right?

So anyway, I don't know what happened to all my friends hahaha. I guess life got in the way and nobody really cares about having someone there to talk to anymore. That, or everyone has got their other half to depend on. it's not the same though. like you can't possibly tell your boyfriend about how bad your cramps hurt, or how you think this girl is a bitch or blahblah. cos guys like to solve problems. and they will give you a solution and if you don't take it they will get annoyed. but us chicas just bitch about it together then forget about it. I'm missing that outlet nowadays.

I guess because I am such a vampire, I really don't feel like meeting anyone in the day. and as such I ended up losing half of my friends. And even if we meet up we don't really do anything constructive? so I don't really have much memories of hanging out with my girl friends. I miss just hanging out in school, or going to the nearest mall to eat, class gatherings and such. Nowadays everyone is so busy they only have like 1 hour to meet you for a meal and then its byebye. Seriously I rather not waste my make up and time. These are not the kind of memories I wanna keep or can actually remember.

I always think, whose gonna be my maid of honor when I get married? Geez, I don't have any BFFs to ask. Am I gonna get married in a room full of acquaintances?

On top of this, there are just so many things that make your life better than mine. hahaha.

Speechless

I've given up. I never thought this day would come. I thought I had all the patience in the world to try and try again.

It's funny how we love people who completely don't complement us. I thought I was smarter than this. I let down everyone who ever cared about me. I know I deserve better but I can't pull myself away. I don't even know what's keeping me from letting go. I know its feelings but I refuse to believe that I would be so stupid as to love something that hurts me. I feel like such a hypocrite when I chide my friends who confide in me about their relationships. I always seem to have it all together. I seem calm and collected all the time. Does anybody see me screaming?

This love is irrational. And the damage is irreversible.



And I know that it's complicated 
But I'm a loser in love 
So baby raise a glass to mend 
All the broken hearts 
Of all my wrecked up friends

I'm such a failure. I can't get a job. I tried my best. Still trying. Still hoping. I'm such a failure.

today, i forgot that i was someone unpleasant and undeserving of any love. 

not even a fucking hello.

I don't know if not being affected by my failures is a good or bad thing. :/ It's like I don't really care hahahahahahaha